This is just a brief note to let everybody on staff know about what is happening on the third floor. Many of you have asked why there were men in safe suits carrying steaming crates into the conference room. We know all the drilling and drumming has been distracting. We get it that you don't understand why there is a man in a turban with a sword outside the conference room day and night. This note is intended to clear all that up.
We would like to acknowledge that the shift to Kinja and the pivot to video have both been unpopular moves. We have seen your complaints about having to yell about movie trailers into a camera and how trying to explain a news story that someone could read in half the time is thankless and stupid. We understand that nobody comments on your articles anymore and if they do it's to complain about the auto playing videos.
We have heard you! And also revenue is down heavily. Thankfully, we think we have figured out a way to get this site back in the black. Starting Monday, we will be pivoting to the Strange Object.
You may feel a sound inside your head when the Strange Object is activated. This is the connection tone and it is part of the process. All of your articles are now going to be about the Strange Object. Is it blue or is it gold? Will you believe the Strange Object? Is it going to put the last nail in the coffin of the Trump Administration?
The Strange Object is available day and night. In fact, it demands visitors day and night, so please go to the conference room on the third floor whenever you have any down time. Look upon the Strange Object. Caress the Strange Object.
Do not be alarmed if you hear moaning or screaming from the conference room on the third floor. Employees may become spontaneously sick or dizzy in the coming days. This is perfectly normal for the Strange Object. Tough it out, put in the hours, and get your grind on, because the only way is forward. Don't worry if you collapse and have an accident. We'll put some spare shirts and pants in the break room or bring something fun from home. You have permission to "go casual" after your first serious nosebleed.
Please do not harass the Strange Object. We mean any sort of harassment. Don't drag its outfit, do not create a diss track on your Strange Object mix tape, don't tell the Strange Object its sandwich looks like a dirty diaper, and do not call the Strange Object a "bench" or whatever it is you are saying now.
There is nothing to fear about the Strange Object. The owners do not know where it came from or how it works. They only know that it gets results.
Well, they don't know that. Not really. We have no idea what it will do. It might destroy the whole building and make you all sterile. It may turn all your articles into 90,000 words of gibberish that forms sinister shapes if you stare at the text long enough.
But people are using ad block so it's what we have to do.
BREAKING NOW: a story so dangerous that there are those within our government that might kill to keep it from getting out.
Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase?
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