Girl be swinging a hammock full of basketballs!I have always considered myself something of an artist. Most other people do not, but I still like to entertain the fantasy that I have some small vestige of natural talent that wasn't washed away by the oppressive formulism of the construction paper assemblage art my 2nd grade art teacher subjected me to. Cut this, paste that, put the googly eyes on the turkey! We're not penned sheep, Mrs. Schroeder! We are born to spread our wings and fly sheep.
Luckily for me Erotic City Strip Club in Boise, Idaho has recently introduced an all-nude artist night for aspiring sketchers such as myself to explore the human form in all its splendor.
The club in Boise, Idaho, charges $15 (£8) for a sketch pad, pencil and dance performance, in what is billed as an "Art Club Night", Reuters agency says.
A city law passed in 2001 forbids complete nudity in public unless the display has "serious artistic merit".
Seeing as how I am the living embodiment of "serious artistic merit" it took me roughly ten seconds to book a flight to Boise on Travelocity. Four hours and two of those little half-shot bottles of Scotch later and I was making my landing approach into Erotic City. Actually the plane didn't land at the strip club, it landed at the cleverly named Boise Airport. For those of you who have never been to Boise, imagine a picture of London at the turn of the 20th century, then photocopy that picture, squint your eyes, and tear it up. Because Boise is nothing like London at the turn of the 20th century. It's sort of like Peoria. Also not too different from Dallas. I suppose if you've never been to either of those cities, just picture a non-specific city with very little of interest and there you have it.
A quick lunch of boiled potatoes in potato sauce, a brief ride in a cab to seedy South Central Boise, and I arrived at the Erotic City. It is a black-painted structure with quaint cutouts of nude silhouettes on the blacked-out windows and doors, cast in the flickering glow of a pink neon sign. The population of this forbidden metropolis was predominantly working class, which surprised me as I expected a more Bohemian set on "Art Club Night". I spent the entire "Art Club Night" at Erotic City drawing and observing the gorgeous ladies performing for my intellectual betterment. I try to be a humble man, but I'm very proud of the work I did there and I would like to share my drawings and notes with you fine readers.
Description: Recent DD implants, long platinum blond hair, seven fingers, wooden teeth, and a firm posterior with light meteorite damage possibly caused by the Leonid Shower.
Specialties: Capable of sliding down the pole without using her arms or legs thanks to constant kegels, can simulate orgasm believably during the chorus of "Funky Town", can prove that tiny pieces of toilet paper fluoresce beneath black lights.
Review: Angel was one of the younger strippers in the club and milked the innocent schoolgirl routine for all it was worth. While the crowd seemed enthusiastic I felt that the believability of her performance was disastrously undermined when she gripped both buttocks and spread them apart three inches from a mustachioed fat man's face. What she lacked in dance ability she made up for with limberness. Her routine was uninspired writhing and undulating but her pole slide was something that Plato would have written a riddle about.
Description: DD implants, long red hair, a large befanged prosthetic lower jaw made from cast iron, three right arms and a left arm consisting of a length of aluminum storm drain full of baby otters, and a protuberant backside tattooed with a likeness of Ronny Cox.
Specialties: Can insert a large pepperoni pizza into her vagina, can make Ronny Cox talk poop and pee if you pay her enough, can spin on the pole using only her teeth.
Review: Things were going great for Boomerang, especially her jaw-gripping spin on the pole, until the centrifugal force of her spin went haywire and failed to contain the baby otters inside her storm drain arm. Erotic City had to shut down for nearly an hour while the staff and even some of the artists in attendance chased down baby otters with truncheons.
Description: DD implants, short "dyke cut" black hair, a line of lit cigarettes in her fish-like mouth, gelatinous translucent skin, a sassy demeanor, and a tight youthful backside resplendent in shimmering platinum scales.
Specialties: Can regurgitate her viscera onto a paying customer and partially digest his top layers of skin, can submerge in a tank of Jello for nineteen minutes without surfacing, can project her dreams across the sun's heliosphere.
Review: Most of Corduroy's act was mundane stripping followed up with a tedious bit of gyration inside of a glass tank full of Jello. Shortly after completing my drawing of Corduroy she regurgitated her internal organs onto me and dissolved my retinas. It was magnificent.
Description: DD implants, a crown of mechanical snakes painted in an autumn fleck tarn pattern, a single enormous compound eye in the center of her face, a mouth full of collapsing Russian dolls, and a disconcertingly boyish backside.
Specialties: Can lactate cat's milk, is adept at piloting a class IV hydrofoil, can detect lymphoma by scent alone, has forgotten more about being an astronaut than John Glenn will ever know, can immolate herself at will.
Review: Helicopter's performance got off to an amazing start when she was lowered from the ceiling on a class IV hydrofoil. Her performance almost immediately degenerated into the most generic shake and stick strip routine I've seen since Ohio. This continued until I had nearly fallen asleep at my sketch pad and I was prepared to give Helicopter a big thumbs down. Then she burst into flames and burnt down to a few glowing embers on the stage. Now THAT is how you do a frigging strip tease!
Description: DD implants still with livid red pop-tops, long platinum blond hair, 785 feet tall, a tetrahedral backside that reflects the deepest desires of the person looking into as a dizzying display of colored light.
Specialties: Ensorcelling, casting glamours, cantrips, reading forgotten runes, female ejaculation.
Review: An 800 foot tall sorceress in go-go boots? Sign me up! Hermione was almost as bewitching as Lindsay Lohan's portrayal of her namesake, although her raw red implant incisions were more than a little disconcerting. Everything was going great, but then she had to prove that "female ejaculation" listed in the playbill wasn't just boasting. Turned the whole place into a swamp AND it wasn't even real female ejaculation, just 5,000 gallons of water she'd been clenching in her uterus.
Description: Natural DD (long), long platinum blond hair, entire vascular system visible through paper-thin skin, possibly alive during Biblical times, toothless mouth formed into a permanent penis-shaped cavity, prehensile vagina, buttocks resemble twin loafs of ergot infested rye bread.
Specialties: Counter-rotating breasts, pasties no longer require paste portion of equation, is capable of lowering panties to ankles with vagina, alcohol redolent exhalation forms fleeting apparitions of dead Comanche warriors, will perform oral sex for gum stuck to bottom of customer's shoe.
Review: Lola was fantastic! Her swinging breasts were like the winking eyes of a clownin' God and her blowjob fit like a glove of oiled leather. I admit, it was a bit disconcerting to watch her arteries and veins thrash around like the limbs of an epileptic, but it was a small price of admission to ride that dream wheel to the kingdom of Shangri-La. Unfortunately, one of the patrons got his face too close to her backside and ended up successfully persecuting the DJ for witchery. On the plus side I finally found out that "drawn and quartered" isn't actually where they tie your arms and legs to four different horses.
Description: DD implants, long platinum blond hair, a partially formed elderly man with psychic powers extending from the abdomen, pubic hair shaved into a "U" with an oomlaut over it, and a posterior that just won't quit. Seriously, it won't quit.
Specialties: Can eject venom from throat sac when threatened, arms and legs can extend up to three times their original length, head can shrink to one third of its original size, when you pay for a private dance from her you get a twofer from the withered old man on her stomach.
Review: Quaaaaid had some top grade high octane dance moves, and her cheerleader costume was just the right mix of naughty and nice. I totally fell in love with the tiny greasy old man's adorable little pom-poms and the way he wiggled his arms when she was wrist deep in herself. Then he used his psychic powers to project the ancient knowledge of Martian terraforming machines into my mind and that was pretty awesome too. I think Quaaaaid was my favorite.
It was a very eventful trip to Erotic City and I have to say that their unexpected support of the arts leaves absolutely nothing to be desired. I intend to travel there on a regular basis to keep abreast of developments in the art world. No, that was not a pun. If you thought it was then you don't know me. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.