The Super Bowl. Also known as the big dance. The big game. The motherlode. The great pumpkin. The hoverbike level in Battletoads. It's by far the most important sporting event of the year, and an American tradition every bit as iconic as living in America and asexual reproduction. Something Awful is so enthusiastic about the Super Bowl that Lowtax gave me the thumbs up to go all out this year, sparing no expense in my effort to bring you the most high-tech and professional coverage you'll find anywhere, provided I pay for it out of my own pocket.
Take that, ESPN graphics department! That cinematic masterpiece only took me three hours in ImageReady. Two and a half if you don't count the time I took trying to find out how to make each frame last more than 1 microsecond.
The Super Bowl is a veritable media circus. First there's the gigantic crowd of reporters wearing brightly colored wigs and red noses, and then there are all those bears on unicycles using plywood ramps to jump through hoops of fire. Some say that even though the media circus is pretty good as far as circuses go, it's gotten out of hand and only distracts ordinary folks from the game itself. After all, what's really important is that two teams overcame incredible odds by slogging through sixteen regular season games and the playoffs for the honor of participating in what could be the most significant game of their lives, assuming they never get the chance to play Risk. That shit is fun.
Let's meet the teams that will be playing between all those great commercials!
The Steelers are a storied franchise. Ever hear the story about Beowulf killing that dragon, or the swiss kids who tried to eat that witch's house? That was the Steelers.
They pride themselves on playing a particularly brutal brand of football, and are perhaps the most physical team in the league. Allow me to explain their hardnose style with a metaphor. If beating your wife were a sport and that sport were football, I don't think it would be as popular as it is. For one you'd have to get approval from the censors just to get the sport on television, and I really can't see that happening. Insurance rates would be pretty insane too. It's just a bad idea.
For the sake of full disclosure I must admit that I'm a lifelong Steelers fan, having been born in Pennsylvania the year after they won their last Super Bowl. If the Steelers don't win the big game this year then in all likelihood my very existence is the problem and they won't win a championship as long as I am alive. Should they lose, I'll have to make some very tough choices this offseason.
Keys To The Game For The Steelers:
Have to score more points than the Seahawks without accidentally leaving the stadium before the game is over.
Pittsburgh's 2nd year star quarterback Ben Roethlisberger looks a lot like that Jim guy on The Office, which happens to take place in Pennsylvania. Look for this to be a deciding factor.
The Seahawks surprised sports analysts everywhere this year by actually existing. The revelation that they were in the NFL was a stunning turn of events for everyone living outside of the 2-block radius surrounding Seattle's Qwest Field, and although several league officials had to take several weeks to check, they eventually confirmed that the Seahawks were indeed an NFL team. The Seahawks further shocked the nation by reaching the Super Bowl in their first year (I think) in the league. I'm told that they've done an excellent job getting to this point, and that their uniforms are green.
Keys To The Game For The Seahawks:
Can't score less points than the other team or attempt to hold their breath for the entirety of the game on a dare.
Seattle's league MVP running back Shaun Alexander looks a lot like a Real Doll version of the New York Giants' running back Tiki Barber, who happens to be a badass. Look for this to be a deciding factor.
Now that you're familiar with the teams, it's time to get ready to enjoy the game. I'll go ahead and assume that you're lonely and plan on watching the game by yourself at home since that's exactly what I'm doing.
You might think that watching the big game by yourself is sort of sad and lame, but nothing could be further from the truth. After all, would you rather watch the Super Bowl alone or watch it with a sexy lingerie model? From what I hear models are pretty self-absorbed, so NO THANKS LADY. I don't even think we'd get along. There's no way I could hold an entire conversation about lingerie, or even say more than "I like lingerie". I'm just not knowledgeable about the whole topic. How am I going to talk about that shit day in and day out, much less find new ways to talk about how great the sex was after we make passionate love every night? The whole thing's a big hassle.
Going solo is clearly the best option, and as an added benefit it also makes the task of preparing for the game much easier. Sit down with a cold beer in one hand and a plate full of taquitos in the other, then start the car and drive to a Circuit City or something. You're going to need a tv.
Get the absolute biggest set they have at the lowest price. Those 60" Panasonice HDTV-Kinda Ready sets that only cost $999 are top-notch from what I hear. When you're back home, drink some more beer and a few shots of tequila to steel your nerves. Installing a new television is a dangerous endeavor that requires all the courage you can muster, and you probably shouldn't have waited until half an hour before the game starts to do this. If all the differently colored wires start to frustrate you, drink more tequila. Soon the colors will be meaningless as your vision becomes obstructed by a blurry swelling of tears. Go ahead and sleep it off for the night behind your new tv. Its poorly constructed frame will shield you from the harsh rays of unwantedness which barrage you.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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