Now this is a strike I can get behind!As you know there is currently a writer's strike going on which means that Something Awful is without its usual batch of masters of the written word. Contrary to popular belief, when you see a name like Hassan "Acetone" Mikal, Josh "Livestock" Boruff or Rich "Nothing is Truer than a Grandmother's Love" Kyanka above an article, that isn't just one person but a team of talented writers that shape our characters' personalities. Without their help we would merely be the equivalent of a guy with a 14-year-old's mentality shouting his stupid opinions at the top of his lungs on his IN YOUR FACE web site like it's the best page in the universe.
We've been trying to hide it, hoping to ride out the strike by running material written months before it started, figuring our readers wouldn't notice since no one on the Internet reads anymore, instead preferring to watch two sluts eat shit out of a cup to pass the time at their dead end IT job.
I mean, if your greatest ambition in life was to work in front of a computer with Internet access so it kinda doesn't feel like work then, well, congratulations on making the most out of life.
Having exhausted our reserves of content we are faced with the uncomfortable task of writing for ourselves and dare I say, being ourselves. It's not a pretty sight. The late night talk shows have already used up all of the "You're telling me this crap is written?!" jokes and I ran all out of ideas six months ago.
In the meantime, those looking for a daily dose of comedy are advised to visit Old Man Murray's web site, the guy that everybody loves because he hasn't updated since the Dreamcast was the promising new console from Sega. Look, I love the man as much as anyone else but trust me when I say that if he continuously updated his site every day for the past six years you'd all hate him by now and talk about how much funnier he was when the Dreamcast was the promising new console from Sega. It happened to the Simpsons. It happened to us. It would have happened with Old Man Murray. Cut the bullshit already.
Instead what you'll find here is a poorly written rant about those deal web sites where you take surveys and sign up for free trials for services that no one in their right mind would otherwise sign up for had they not been lured by the prospect of a free ipod or a free hip replacement for grandpa. I mean, that's where it's headed right? Health care costs in this country are so out of control that your life is going to rest on how fast you can sign up for spam. FILL OUT THIS SURVEY FOR A CHANCE TO WIN FREE CHEMOTHERAPY.
In reality the writer's strike does not affect us. I made it all up. I'm just a guy sitting at a $30 Walmart desk trying desperately to think of something interesting to write about before I am found out for the fraud that I am. In the meantime, here's what I think about those stupid survey sites!
You're promised everything from games to high-def televisions to love, just for taking surveys. Like most things on the Internet, from that hot MySpace whore who wanted to bone you who turned out to be Perverted Justice, AGAIN, to the prospect of more Fireman Comics from Fragmaster, are too good to be true.
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.