What tech 'tudes were rocking SXSW 2014 this year? We sent a cool black teen who likes indie rock to stand around outside a venue and listen to all the buzz. He looked super cool and non-threatening w/ glasses and cool jeans and a zip up hoodie.
App store for your cigarettes. 4 GB VAPE wearable scuba cigarettes. Strawberry vapes underwater. The future of "smokelike" has arrived as vape technology actualizes its potential thanks to angel investors from Saudi Arabia.
Vape your high vape score to Vapr, the Twitter of e-cigarettes. E-cigarette idea marketplace allows custom vapes and bespoke vape blends.
The idea of New Phones was discussed. These are to phones of 5 years ago what the phones of 10 years ago were to those phones, which is to say they are almost unrecognizable. Call two people at once, one for each ear. A bigger camera.
Get ready to have your world changed by this phone paradigm shift. Bigger phones or smaller phones, depending on what you like. A sexy voice for your phone. A new color. 3D printed cases with your cat's face on the back.
It's coming. It's going to be cool this time. Aviators that show you hip multimedia projects. Crime solving uses.
It's like all the coolest VR stuff you've seen before, but now it's wearable. Digitize your apartment to VR feed your cat. Multitask from VR workspaces. Perform surgery on a thin and pretty white girl while you are curating your craft beers. Download the latest apps and watch the latest shows on a TV that floats around in the air.
Don't like this world? Swipe to replace it with something cooler. All the plastic is wood. Steampunk cars. Everybody is a thin white girl in a sweater, especially you.
Store your photos in your hoodie. Access your favorite live streaming video from the inside of your shoe. Cover your body with cameras and microphones. Stream content to the cloud from your t-shirt. This is going to change the world.
New disposable pants for refugees that measure their Klout rating. Rubber gloves that play music for your hands. A shirt that thumbs up Youtube videos while you are asleep. Seven different kinds of socks that are waiting to discover the next content creator. A pair of glasses that tells your friend list when you are dead.
One thing is for sure, the next new thing in tech is going to be on your body. Even if it's a dead body.
Invite the whole world to participate in your life. Users bid on brushing your teeth. Idea auction for breakfast. Compete to do laundry. Gamify your creativity, including rewards for new ideas. Slowly transmute your life into a worldspace of innovation by group participation. Carrotize your task structure with crowd activity.
It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a whole interconnected world to convince a white guy in suspenders and jeans that his beard is okay and actually pretty cool and he should get out of bed and do the most basic task of self-preservation.
Meet and interact with people the way you want. It's Grindr for villagers in China. It's Tinder for war refugees. Connecting your turtle to a like-minded turtle with similar relationship desires.
Adventurous tech bros meeting in a VR aviator space and they all look like thin white girls. Vaping their strawberry tech clouds. Cool beards, bros. You won't believe the new phone we got. It's steampunk. It's wood. Welcome to the future.
For more breaking tech news check out Zack's Facebook page even though Facebook is already obsolete.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.