Tardiness:
If you must come to class late, please don't bother. There are 5,000 students and 4,500 parking spots. If you cannot make it on time, then you have no right to be in school. With such a pathetic life, you really have no reason to show up late. The instructor reserves the right to lower your grade and call your grandmother for showing up late. I have no problem making Nana cry over your immaturity.

Classroom Decorum
: Students are expected to bring the appropriate books and materials to class every day. At over thirty pounds, the dictionary you'll be carrying around will make a man of you regardless of your sex. Please remember to turn off cell phones/pagers, and remove headphones and breathing apparatus if worn. Other rules include: no talking, no moving or getting out of your chair, no food or drink during class or one hour before, no laptops, no pens, no women, no beards, and no eye contact. All denim must be skin tight. No smiling. No Frowning. Only that weird dead face you make in your sleep. No sleeping. No notes unless it is a word by word copy of the greatness that comes from my mouth. Like the words of Allah funneling through Mohammed, you're only chance is through my exact speech. Online notes will be available when I feel like uploading them (never.) Be attentive. That is my only warning. And, above all else, remember that I am in charge and you are to treat me and my pet dogs with the same respect you treat all other greater beings.

Grading Criteria
: The grading criteria for each paper varies depending on my mood and the Steak and Shake coupons I receive in the mail. Unless your paper is the equivalent to a Double Melt Burger, your chances of passing are slim. Tests questions are based on classes I used to teach and stories my mother told me as a child.

Late Papers
: Despite the vague/nonexistent due dates on all assignments, I do not accept late papers. All work is due at my office at 11pm Saturday even if I am not present. All work slid under my door is destroyed without reading.

Rewrites and Revisions
: are not accepted.

Participation
: Focused classroom discussion is vital to proving my superior intellect, so students are expected to be ready and willing to say stupid comments whenever I allow them to speak. Being a participant in a discussion means more than just coming with the generic statement "I stupid." While that is always the case, students should formulate specific questions or comments, such as the following: "I pooped and need wipey" or "go-go-ga-ga I am a minority" or whatever else you idiots think. Crying does not count as active participation. Laugh at my jokes and references even though you will not understand them.

Assignments and Point Breakdown:
Essays: 200 points
Tests: 200 points
Attendance: 200 points
Whatever I want: 1400 points
Total points available: 2000 points

The Section of The Grading Scale You Need To Know About:
F: 65 and below

Reading and Assignment Schedule

Week 1Introduction, go over syllabus, and take the first exam based on week 9's reading.

Week 2 Assignment #1: Odds Maker. Flip coin. If Heads, you fail. If tails, flip coin again.

Week 3 General bragging about how much better I am than you.

Week 4 Conferences: five minutes of personal, 1 on 1 insults from me to you.

Week 5 Planned movie except I cannot get the VCR to work so instead I pontificate on why your parents got a divorce

Week 6 Assignment #2 due: Though I did not introduce the assignment, all five pages are due today.

Week 7 ?

Week 8 Deciphering this:

Week 9 I bring in stale cookies and teacher evaluation day

Week 10 I encourage you to try again next semester in an effort to give more of your money to the university.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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