This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
Money SoapCLEAN YOURSELF UP!
Tell a loved one "you are so filthy I have to pay you to clean yourself" with this exciting bar of soap containing actual American money! Once they've washed themselves to the point of riches, they can shove it down the ass of their fart bank and laugh and laugh and then laugh some more. The perfect gift for that weird kid who spends all day torturing bugs out behind K-Mart. Also works as a great puzzle and torture device for the homeless. There's money in hygiene - literally!
The only thing I feel is afraid.
Give your dog the experience of being a doomed submariner trapped beneath the surface, as oxygen supplies run low and morale gives way to complete and total soul-shattering dread. Let him feel the horror of knowing he will never see his family again and that he will die in a metal coffin in an environment so hostile it would crush him if it could. At the same time, turn your backyard into a futuristic zoo where kids peer in through your sci-fi fence bubble and observe your well-kept lawn riddled with miniature deities, evil disco owls, doggy staircases, and Elvis-themed collapsible beach chairs.
Singing Toilet Paper
This is the soundtrack to your to life.
The future is here! Wipe your ass with MUSIC! Now you can put your mind to ease during those monster-free bathroom visits listening to your favorite Christmas ditties dismantled by machines and turned into soulless digital simulacra of once great hits. Finally, an end to the pangs of never having horrible digital renditions of music while on the toilet. You'll certainly wonder how mankind has survived all these thousands of years without such a device.
Waving Flag Hat
The American Dream, yours now in novelty hat form for $24.98!
At some point patriotism meant something real. Founding Fathers put forth noble ideas that changed the shape of the world, and we celebrated those great men and those great ideas. Now it is an industry primarily fueled by thoughtless Chinese-made merchandise, miniature flags, bumper stickers, fireworks, and meaningless slogans.
This cheap hat reduces American pride to the level of the beer helmet. What better way to show you love America than to look like a stupid clown, taking a little bit of America's dignity down into the gutter with you. The Waving Flag Hat is ideal for political campaigns, 4th of July picnics and parades, and poignant vigils honoring the victims of terrorism.
With that, I must go prepare my order, lest I miss out on fantastic savings and fine quality items vital to modern living!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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