September 14, 1987
Clearly this graph indicates some sort of science!Dear Concerned Parent(s),
With both Communism and the popularity of Phil Collins on the rise, it may be easy to overlook the problems of your children. Yes, the frantic pace of the 80s may grab you by your power tie (or possibly, your sensible shoulder pads) and never let go, but how important will your career be when little Bobby or Susie asphyxiates in an abandoned refrigerator? The answer: temporarily slightly less important.
But it can be hard to get inside our children’s heads, and many of us remember the stomach-churning episode of 60 Minutes where a well-meaning pre-school took a very literal approach to this strategy. We don’t suggest that you go this far. Luckily for you, we - Doctors Eastman and Laird of the Sheraton Inn Boiler Room Psychiatric Institute - have developed a test that allows you to know your child without resorting to horrible things such as talking to them and hearing “Daddy, my brain hurts,” even though you know they’re faking it. Children – as simple and stupid as they are – fall into four basic personality types, which are very similar to those from what many ignorant people call the “dark ages.” We’ve created an assortment of characters to fit these personality types, and from viewing the enclosed video (“Danger at Technodrome Cove”), your child will no doubt identify with one of them, and perhaps will want to dress up in pajamas designed around said character (please see enclosed coupons).
Simply ask your children the following questions after viewing the video, keeping a safe distance at all times. The results will give you a firm grasp of your child’s future, and save valuable hours which can be spent at cocaine parties (please see enclosed coupons).
Kevin “Doctor” Eastman
Peter “Backup Doctor” Laird
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
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