Awesome. I can't wait for this... large thing with cables sticking out of it, whatever it is.
Mankind is speeding headlong into oblivion and turmoil with every jack-booted step, or maybe he is just speeding in general because he's a Speedy Pete who flirts with disaster and runs amok, etc. It's fairly hard to tell these days, but it is obvious that a lot of the visions from back in the day of what the Future would be have not exactly come to pass. I know that I tend to talk about the Future a lot, but it is a constant source of misery and disappointment to me that we are not yet in hovercrafts and that I still have to worry about growing old and dying in this day and age. It's 2003, for shit's sake, people. This stuff was supposed to be taken care of three years ago, at least. Not only do I refer to the fact that there are no robots in every home and no flying cars glittering in the night skies; I also speak of simple things like no disease, perpetual youth, and maybe the complete absence of Wiccans, because the existence of Wiccans is a clear token that man is taking enormous steps backward on the evolutionary scale. Regardless of these inaccuracies, I would think that we could have at least come up with some better ways of moving around by now.
Even just on a transportation scale, why is it that we are no longer happy riding horses from place to place, driving cars at high speeds at which man was never meant to move, or even flying in jet planes high above the land, and yet we have not done anything truly noteworthy to improve our mobility methods? We now turn our focus to bigger and supposedly better things to move us from place to place. These are the vehicles of the Future, but it is not the brilliant, sparkly Future that was predicted for us. It's more like a gerbil being moved into a slightly larger cage that contains a little running-wheel and is cleaned of it's gerbil-poop on a more regular basis. Our own two (or in some circus cases, three) legs aren't good enough for us, but we haven't really come up with any good alternatives that don't have at least some very large drawbacks.
I can't wait to drive this car with the giant metal anus on the back of it.
Remember when companies would come out with "Future Cars" every year and people actually cared or paid attention? In the 1950's and everything, those cars of tomorrow were always enormous, curvy boats with the headlights in strange places and hoses coming out of them this way and that. People didn't give a second thought to fuel or natural resources, but boy howdy, they liked those big-ass cars. The car companies never really sold those things, though. It was more of a, "Look what you will get to purchase from us if you keep living!" idea. Eventually folks realized that gasoline wasn't really a good fuel source, but this really didn't start happening until the 1980's when some smartish people realized that we were fucking up the Earth on a grand scale and if left to our own devices would deplete our natural resources in a very short amount of time, leaving us to revert to a hunter-gatherer society and live out of the wrecks of abandoned gasoline-powered automobiles. I don't remember that stuff very well because I was really pretty ignorant when they made the first gasoline / electric hybrid car and the first solar powered car came out before I was born (1977). I do remember that those cars that they claimed would soon be all over the roads of tomorrow were really curvy and looked like a sort of fucked-up waterslide bubble-things rather than a vehicle, and that everyone who ever tried to drive them said that they sucked. Needless to say, they haven't caught on. Maybe people want to go from speeds of 0 to 60 in less than five minutes, who can say.
I'm not sure what the problem is with concentrating our energies on finding a better way to move from place to place. This is a pretty big world, and I would think that because we all have to go places that the people in charge of researching new methods of transportation or improving upon old ones would have come up with some better things by now that ye olde gasoline-powered engine. I don't doubt the capabilities of scientists in this day and age to make neat transportation stuff, but that whole Segway thing was pretty lame, and not much has happened since then. That thing was hyped way too much for a dumb upright scooter. Ooh, wow, it's a two-wheeled thingy that goes 30mph and doesn't tip over very easily. That's great, guys, way to invent useful things. I can get to the store on the other side of town in two fucking hours now. World peace is on the fucking way because of this thing. It only weighs 65 pounds, too, so that means that I can portage across the river with it on my back and continue on my very slow way on the other side of said river. I am so lucky to have been born in this modern time of ease and prosperity.
Luckily, there is hope for our doomed race of monkeys. I was fairly surprised to see and/or hear recently that scientists in their top secret science labs somewhere on our planet recently teleported some light particles a distance of over a mile. Now that's progress! I am sure I am not alone in saying that it would be extra super-rad if people figured out how to teleport objects and other people from place to place. Not only would Gene Roddenberry rise up from his nerd-encrusted grave to gloat over us all and force us into lives of slavery on the moon, but hot damn, we'd be able to instantly move from point A to point B in no time at all. Not only that, but we would officially be living in The Future, which I personally have been waiting for for a hell of a long time. After teleportation, all that would need to follow are flying cars and those crazy outfits made of shiny metal. Soon, cyborg cops will follow and humanity will launch itself into the Future in an official and very satisfactory fashion.
Teleportation could be used in any number of very interesting ways, all of which would make our lives easier and more full of Futuristic devices. No longer would people be forced to lift their arms repetitively, sometimes causing stress-injuries and soreness, in order to move food into themselves. The food could be teleported directly into people's mouths, or even better, directly into their stomachs. Perhaps the fatties would actually lose weight that way because they wouldn't be tasting all of that yummy cake that they shove into their gaping maws. Not only that, but teleportation would mean that, upon installation of a small teleportation unit in your toilet, you could send your poop instantly to somewhere of your own choosing. Imagine the satisfaction of eating a large burrito dinner and then sitting down to shit, knowing that your feces would soon be landing upon the head of Barbara Streisand as she drunkenly belts out a song from the hit musical "Cats" in front of 50,003 overweight housewives and gay people. That'd be pretty neat. I'd pay good money to see that let alone being able to live in a time where such things are common place. People that I didn't like would be sent to the moon or other non-fun places (such as England) in a flash! It'd be great. I'd be the most popular kid on the block until someone sent me to the moon or to England themselves. If my head didn't instantly blow up when I was on the moon, I would teleport back right into their head so that their cranium exploded with a great blast of gore. Everyone comes out on top.
All of those poor pedophiles posing as 13-year old girls on the internet would have problems to deal with, because the person that they are talking to could just teleport into their house in the hopes of getting some omg hott pre-teen love action. The days of internet anonymity would come to a sweaty, furry-filled close. Think of all of the "replacing" you could do with a teleporter! You could exchange things for other things like there was no tomorrow. I am not just talking about your average small-scale replacement of pickles instead of onions on the hamburger you ordered at "Hardee's." I am not even talking about replacing your whiny, bitchy mother with a nice and subservient one who cooks and cleans for you (the way a woman should) and who gives you money. I am talking about large-scale havoc that could easily be wreaked upon the unsuspecting masses with the help of a teleportation device. You could take over the world! The first step to taking over the world would be simple as a very simple thing. One would have only to--
You know, before I go on for ever about this, I'd like to say that I'm sure that I could sit here for hours and come up with use after use that teleportation could be applied to, but that might get a little dull and then I'd have written one of those updates wherein I just make a big list of things instead of actually discussing anything. To prevent and evade that end, I'll leave off here by saying in summation that I am happy to see some progress in the Future transportation department but am disappointed that more progress has not been made to date. There really is no excuse for slacking off and failing to produce flying cars by now and it is also depressing that human beings have not yet found a way to travel at ridiculously high speeds, but a teleporter would be an excellent start. I hope that when modern science does invent something cool like reliable teleportation for people and such that it won't have a bunch of annoying regulations that keep people from killing each other or putting milk into the lactose intolerant guy's coffee, because that would be a great loss for all. I can't wait for the Future. Good thing I am being forced to wait as the slow, slow minutes tick furtively away into the dawn of my own lonely demise.
State Og Declares War Is Bitchin'
This is your State Og Representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell reporting in, hoping to show you the latest and greatest in Og technology, and kill you in the process. I meant inform. Inform you in the process. This week, State Og has been called upon to provide military products for the upcoming war Desert Storm 2: Desert Hard With a Vengeance.
Today there is a new era of artillery with the launch of State Og's Orbital Bombardment Platform. The $167 trillion satellite employs all the latest sensor, targeting and maneuvering technology to be the most accurate weapon in existence.
The awesome power of the Orbital Bombardment Platform is truly realized when one considers its payload: 12 wooden sticks, all sharpened to dangerous pointiness. The system has already been used to jab spacewalkers in the ribs, an experience they described as "really annoying", and they asked us to "cut it out."
If you don't go inform yourself right now, I swear I'll cut you. I'm probably kidding, but the only way to keep your fingers and face intact while in the presence of an Og employee is to do what he says, so go check out the latest State Og.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.