Dave: So, since this is Something Awful and everything, are you ready to talk some shit?
Texas: YES! I'm scared and excited. The hair on my neck is standing up.
Dave: Let's hit the ground running: which adult actor or actress smells the worst?
Texas: Tiffany Taylor. No question. No hesitation.
Dave: Please describe her smell for the good people at home.
Texas:Worst smelling vagina OF ALL TIME. Low tide exploded inside her cervix.
Dave: Would you go so far as to say that her vagina could be used to strip the paint off a battleship?
Texas:Yes, I could say that. I think her vagina was actually filled with the "dip" from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Whew, even remembering that makes me cringe. I hear she won Jenna Jameson's "pornstar challenge show"...like, how funny is that show, for real? It's like a beauty pageant for beauty queens whose uncles gave them one too many hugs...
Dave: So did you say anything about her vagina, or did you just let it go?
Texas: I was really in a pickle in that circumstance. I can be really shy at times, especially if someone is completely rank like that. I mean... she's already acting like a fucking cunt and ruining the scene... so now I'm going to tell her that her vagina smells like a dead skunk inside a trash can? I kept trying to hint to the director, but didn't have the balls to just up and say it. Really, there was no way to win that situation. In hindsight I should've just vomited and fainted. Maybe that would've made it more apparent.
Dave: Who wins the award for bitchiest? Besides you.
Texas: Again, I'd have to say Tiffany Taylor. She was incredibly moody, and difficult. Argued a lot with the director, just came off really snotty and spoiled. Granted, this could be due to the fact that her pussy smelled of vinegar and fish guts. That probably put me in a pretty shitty mood, too. Second, id say was a director... shit, what was her name... for Metro. Brandi, or something. She was literally famous for shoving baseball bats up her asshole. And she's giving ME attitude?
Dave: That tends to diminish a person's credibility a little. So, are all male porn stars basically just unfrozen cavemen?
Texas: God, I wish I could talk shit here, but in actuality, some of the coolest guys I know are male porn stars. Something to be said for a guy who gets to fuck hot-ass women all day long, and make $1,500 a day doing it. They're the most laid back, no-bullshit kind of guys. Maybe I was just lucky.
It takes a certain amount of patience. Hot women are fucking insane. And you're combining hot women with hot women who clearly have issues. These guys see some shit.
Dave: So would you say that female porn stars are actually smellier and more maladjusted than male porn stars?
Texas: Absolutely. I'd wear a t-shirt. "I'd rather be a male porn star"
Dave: Being close to the industry, did you ever hear any awesome gossip that you were sworn to secrecy about, but which you'll repeat here because it's funny?
Texas: Yes... this is a horrible story, actually.
Dave: Horrible stories are the best.
Texas:I wont use her name, because I actually do like her,.but I always think of it whenever I see her in movies now. Even though she's smokin' hot and a great performer... I can't ever stand to watch...
So, she's younger... like 20, which in the industry is like MILF age now. Anyway, she meets this guy on MySpace, and he's like this little small town podunk backwoods marine or something, and he's even younger than her. Completely naïve. He's never even SEEN a porno, and this girl is like hugely famous in the industry. She has the dirtiest mouth I've ever heard, fucks the biggest dicks, does anal, double penetration, the whole 9, and she's dating this 18 year old kid.
So they fly back and forth to see each other. And she's crying to me, telling me that she feels so bad, she doesn't want to tell him everything she's done (which I understand) and then she launches into this tirade on all the STD's she's gotten over the years (most of them before porn; they test you in the industry). And im thinking "oh, she got the clap once or twice or whatever, and it can't be that bad, yadda yadda yadda."
Oh boy was I wrong. She's like "I've had gonorrhea four times, I've had warts burned off three times, Chlamydia like who knows how many times, and the list goes on. I'm sitting there trying my fucking hardest not to burst out laughing, because I think it's just fucking amazing what she's saying to me... but of course, absolutely horrified. I mean, you can clear up most of that stuff, but WHAT THE FUCK!?
Dave: So she had dozens of STDs before she was even in porn? Porn cleaned up her vagina?
Texas:Yes! And that's the funny part! It fucking put a leash on her glaringly obvious sexual addiction.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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