Hey y'all, hope you're having a good day and the Lord is smiling upon you. This is Trevor, our usual Newsletter gal Henrietta has fallen ill with a pox and is busy at the prayerfirmary receiving all of the healing light she needs to get well. I will be taking over her responsibilities while the Lord battles her so-called "metastasizing bone cancer" and we all pray she will be back in a jiffy to fill you in on anything I miss.
This is a very exciting Newsletter as the schedule and guests for the Third Annual Advanced Creation Sciences Seminar have been announced! Signups are still open; we've got about 230 seats available and 60 rooms in the Boise Day's Inn. You may have to bunk up with someone but we have requested cots so that no one is tempted by sin while sharing a bed. For more information contact Tammy at 1-800-567-3463 or 1-800-LORDGOD, she will fix you up with accommodations and a full itinerary in a jiffy. Remember the Seminar is completely free including lodgings, but we strongly recommend a $200.00 dollar donation to Scienta Ministries, Inc for a videocassette of all of our guest speakers. If you don't donate then you might get some dirty looks and miss out on the donuts. Ha, little Christian joke, donuts are of course filled with sin and will not be served at the seminar.
First off I would like to welcome keynote speaker "Doctor" Ewalt Jacobs to our Sunday Morning Technology Sermon where he will be talking about his most recent book Christian Cellular Biology. He will also be holding an open question and answer session about his recently published paper on human cloning called "The Lord's Photocopier". Following "Dr." Jacobs' sermon and Q&A session there will be a sex-segregated Christian mixer at the Waffle House adjacent to the Day's Inn. Free coffee, milk, and water will be available and waffles will be served.
The next morning classes will begin and I am pleased to bring you the most recent list of classes so that you can begin filling out your signup sheets. If you don't have a signup sheet you can have one sent to you by Tammy if you call the numbers I mentioned earlier.
Beginner Level Screaming Self-Righteously About Creationism - Reverend R.H. Hume is proud to offer an introductory level class on promoting the spread of Scientific Creationism throughout the populace and particularly at schools. The good Reverend's course will educate attendees in techniques like "sending angry letters to the school board about evolution just being a 'theory' whereas creationism has proof in THE BIBLE" and "Picketing geology classes that claim tectonic activity on earth more than 6,000 years ago". You will be provided with a number of printed pamphlets about the science of Creationism that you can leave in restrooms, gas stations, and inconspicuously stacked in biology classrooms.
Advanced Level Screaming Self-Righteously About Creationism - Sometimes the sheep that believe in evolution will make the mistake of attempting to engage scientific Creationists in intellectual debate about the subject of Creationism. For times like these Reverend Michelle Hume can provide you with a number of pointers for successfully winning such debates. These techniques include pointing out that Darwin believed in the Biblical FACTS behind the world's creation and pointing at your eye knowingly and then launching into an invective filled diatribe about intelligent design. Also included are important facts that will help you counter the arguments of evolution believers. Did you know that the Piltdown man was a fraud put forth by evolution zealots to profane our Lord?! You can learn this and much more in Reverend Michelle Hume's advanced level course.
The Myth of the Primate Connection - Scientific Creationism scholar Lloyd Llewellyn will prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that there is no possible evolutionary link between primates and mankind. Mister Llewellyn will demonstrate the physiological and brainological differences between man and ape by bringing a live silverback gorilla into the classroom. The inoffensively witty Mr. Llewellyn has named the gorilla "Darwin" as a hilarious jab at the supposed creator of evolution. He will ask a member from the audience to assist him. He will then ask the gorilla to identify a number of objects by name and repeat the same series of tests for the volunteer. You will be amazed at the disparity between the answers! This class is particularly useful for those of you who are having a crisis of faith after watching sin-cursed children's educational television that might have referenced EVILution. Note: Due to Federal Wildlife License issues "Darwin" will not be appearing. Instead Mr. Llewellyn will be bringing in his border collie "John Wayne".
Why Secular Scientific Dating Methods are Wrong - Every Christian knows by now that the world is only 6,000 years old, but the scientificians continue to push their "million year" agenda on us. To support this they have devised a number of relatively complex parlor tricks meant to fool the public into believing that they have located objects like rocks and bones older than 6,000 years. "Doctor" Anthony Goodchilde will open your eyes to the reality of methods like Carbon-14 and radiography that rely on lies and half-truths to date the age of remains and objects well beyond the earth's creation as stated in the Bible. "Dr." Goodchilde's findings will be presented and he will hold an open discussion portion for examining the correlations between sin and the heretical lies of scientific dating methods.
Man's Peaceful Brothers: The Dinosaurs - God created the earth and all life on it in seven days, including the dinosaurs that are unfortunately now all but extinct. Learn from Houston area renowned Christian Paleontologist Debra Irving about how the tribes of Israel rode on the backs of brontosauruses and patrolled the skies on pterodactyls. Find out how "Goliath" might have actually been a type of predatory dinosaur used in battle. Discover how God gave mankind various types of dinosaurs to serve as beasts of burden and even livestock. Where did the dinosaurs go? Learn why Noah was unable to carry them on his ark and also how the world-covering flood diluted salt levels in the oceans and killed off all aquatic dinosaurs but very few fish!
Formation of Oceans and Continental Mass During the Sumerian Civilization - Little is known about the ancient Sumerians since they were not mentioned in the Bible, but it is believed that Sumerians were a hardy pagan culture. God created the earth, but it took several hundreds years for the oceans and continents to take the shape they are in today. Of course this was guided by God's Will and not the theory of plate tectonics and Reverend R.H. Hume will explain how the rapidly shifting landscapes of ancient Sumeria ultimately lead to the downfall of their people. Additional time allowing, Reverend Hume will discuss Native American and Eskimo people's relation to Adam and Eve and how the Germanic race may in fact be descendents of the Canaanites.
We have a number of other courses available and I will be providing details on those as they become available. In the meantime, here are the names of the other classes you will be able to sign up for at the seminar.
Healing Homosexuality: Guiding the Confused into the Light
Fantastic Voyage of Noah and His Ark
Are UFOs Angels? The Bible and "Aliens"
Christian Snake Bite Treatment Techniques
Buddhist Levitation or "The Wind of False Idols"
Baptists Are From Mars, Methodists Are From Venus
Kid Gloves: Converting Islamic Fundamentalists
Prayer as a Treatment for Chemical Depression
Parent's Corner: My Child Likes Rock and Roll Music
Parent's Corner: The Matrix Movies and False Religion
Parent's Corner: Bed-wetting and Demonic Possession
Is Your Baking Holy Enough?
Wiccans, Atheists, and Other Satanic Cults
Foot Massage: Dangerous Gateway to Sin
I look forward to seeing all of y'all at the seminar and be sure to keep Tammy in your prayers. The doctor says her cancer is inoperable but chemotherapy offers a 50% chance of recovery. Tammy told that doctor she KNOWS that prayer works with a 100% joy of the Lord.
God bless y'all!
Assistant Newsletter Administrator
"My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins" - Kings 12:10
Hell in the Grocery Store
Hello to you, various readers, it is I, Livestock! Be sure to take 5-10 minutes out of your daily activities to click a link not unlike this one, taking you to the legendary Photoshop Phriday for this very Friday. The theme is rumored to be "Recalled Foods II" and is fabled to be abundant in pictures somewhat similar to this one:
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.