Stewart Scott: Welcome to SportsCenter everyone, this is Stewart Scott sitting alongside my co-anchor Linda Cohn. We've got a mad bananas show for you tonight so don't even think about going anywhere, yo. Later on we'll run some highlights while using the same tired catchphrases to describe home runs and slam dunks that we've employed for the past two years. After that, a ham fisted feel good story about someone remotely involved with sports who faced some form of adversity, like getting athlete's foot or losing a Super Bowl ring in a prostitute. Expect that feature to have plenty of time-lapsed fisheye lens shots of a baseball or football field set against piano music as clouds pass by, as well as several moodily lit close ups of the story's central character staring at the camera as it moves in random directions at equally random intervals. Also, our top plays of the day! As cool as the other side of the pillow.
Linda Cohn: That's right, Stewart! Now I will stare into the camera for the remainder of the show with the same sort of bewildered and vacant smile that a polite ten year old would give someone who just told a joke about Jimmy Carter's handling of the Iranian hostage crisis.
Stewart Scott: That's straight bananas, Linda. Now on to tonight's main story. University of Central North Dakota basketball coach James Kromwell finds himself in the middle of a whirlwind of controversy that's straight bananas. It all began yesterday when we aired this startling and audacious comment which the coach made to one of our reporters after Friday's team practice:
Stewart Scott: Kromwell held a press conference today to address the shameful scandal, and had the following to say:
Stewart Scott: His apology seems to be a day late and a straight banana short though, as our analyst Stephen A. Mariotti explains why most of the country hates James Kromwell and why those who don't already should begin to.
Stephen A. Mariotti: At the end of the day, Kromwell's comments obviously reveal what kind of man he is. At the end of the day, Kromwell tries to pull one over on the general public with carefully worded statements, but at the end of the day I'm sure his coaching staff and players know the full extent of his vile and perverse nature. At the end of the day, the man is now under a cloud of suspicion and it is our duty as journalists to speculate that he probably uses steroids without having any actual proof. At the end of the day, it's safe to say that he heads home and vents his shame of the many horrible things he does on a daily basis by beating his wife.
Stewart Scott: Thanks Stephen! That leads us to this bananas poll, which you can take part in by heading to espn.com:
Stewart Scott: I know what I'm voting for! Ha ha. Speaking of bananas, here's Chris Berman with his top plays of the week!
Chris Berman: Thanks, Stewart "I'm not George C." Scott! Welcome to my Top Plays, which are just like SportsCenter's daily top plays but somehow they get their own segment because I chose them! Me, Chris Berman!
We start at number five, this clip of me at a charity golf game with Curtis "my favorite" Martin! It's sports, but it's me doing it! Woop!
Next at number four is this clip of some guy hitting a game-winning home run at the World Series, but when we slow this part down and zoom in... there! You can sort of see the press box I was sitting in! I was hoping Carolina's quarterback Jake "daylight come and you gotta" Delhomme would be at the game too so I could say the wacky nickname I made for him, but destiny did not favor me that day.
At number three this week is a clip of me going to see a movie a few nights ago. The movie was okay, but the popcorn had too much butter! Woop!
Number two is, of course, this clip of me presenting last week's Top Plays. Way to go Chris "it's cold outside therefore I'll rub my arms briskly and say" Berman!
And number one is Tedy Bruschi, the Patriots linebacker who suffered a fatal stroke three days after last year's Pro-Bowl and rose from the dead to play in this Sunday's game against the Bills. The fact that he was able to recover and give an average and in no way spectacular performance which somehow singlehandedly won the whole game without his teammates is perhaps the most significant event in the course of human history, and judging from this poll our viewers overwhelmingly agree:
Chris Berman: Every single person in Gillette stadium cried in joy for the entire duration of the game until their tear ducts were so overworked that they bled and then they all just kept crying blood. Tedy was so inspirational that the entire stadium literally separated from the Earth and hovered several feet above the ground. I would gladly give my own life for Tedy Bruschi, but then again if he needed it he would simply take it by willing it to happen before I knew what was coming. He is an incredibly noble and beautiful creature that can not even be considered a human being because he is obviously the next evolutionary step forward, if not a god of some sort. If all were right in the world, humanity would be ruled by the noble and just triumvirate of Tedy Bruschi, Michael Vick, and Brett Favre. We would hibernate in the offseason in order to stay awake during the entirety of the rest of the year so we could properly bear witness to Bruschi's holy acts of greatness.
Stewart Scott: Thanks Chris! Tedy Bruschi is indeed as cool as the other side of the banana. We'll be back in a minute folks, but in the meantime enjoy this commercial break featuring an ad for SportsCenter which is infinitely more entertaining and informative than the actual show itself.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.