This article is part of the The Great Authors Series series.



Safe and environmentally-friendly toys to tickle your little one's imagination ARE COMING....

Peek-a-Boo House Baby and Toddler Toy (1+ Years)
MELISSA

Melissa turned it over in her hand. Hard to believe such a simple thing of wood had laid waste the entire army of her cousin, Corwyth Grimfrost. Hidden beneath the articulated panels of wood were the leering ursine faces. Mother. Father. Baby. Each panel, when removed, unleashed a different misery upon her cousin's army. By the time the men began to die it was surely too late.

"Its wild magic has been exhausted," assured Ibrahim Emmanuel, the Jew of Delaware, as he handed the wooden house over to Maester Jeff. Melissa snapped the peek-a-boo doors closed, not wanting to gaze upon the grotesquely merry bears any further. She stared out instead across the carrion field, hands massaging the fluffy egg of fur in her pocket, the corpses swirling with vultures and teeming with rats, where lay the rotting scraps of her cousin's banner men and army. But where was Corwyth? And how had Doug's witch whore known Corwyth was here at all? Betrayal was the only possibility.

Picnic Basket Fill & Spill (6+ Months)
DOUG

"More wine?" laughed Doug, waving the BPA-free grape juice toy bottle in front of the swollen face of Corwyth Grimfrost. Hung by his heels from the beams of the great hall of Hartford, Corwyth's face was grotesquely engorged with blood. Foam drooled from his lips and slipped upon the baby-soft fabric of the picnic basket with which Doug was mocking his wife's defeated cousin. "You can have all the watermelon you wish, a nice ham sandwich, if only you will tell us where she is going."

Corwyth choked with laughter. "You will never have her, Doug. And none of your franchises will survive from Danbury, to Waterbury, to Griswold. All of Connecticut will belong to Melissa."

Sharvella Blite appeared at her lover's side. "The old gods hunger, my love. This fool has no more to tell. Give him his picnic." Doug stared into her dark eyes and kissed her, savagely, a hand down her dress. He tore his mouth away from her tender flesh only long enough to snarl to his brother, the Red Stag of San Diego, "A picnic, brother. Cut off his prick and feed it to the dogs."

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About this series

Famous authors of renown and infamy find new inspiration when unexpected sponsors pay them to write. Not even death can stop them!

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.