Greetings viewers and welcome back to another exciting Something Awful broadcast! We've got one heck of a matchup this evening on Thursday Night Holy Wars, pitting the top two rivals against each other in a no-holds-barred competition that will determine, once and for all, the heavyweight champions of the Middle Eastern Division! I've got to admit that in my 27 years of broadcast journalism I've never seen such a heated competition that mattered so much to not only the teams involved, but the entire league as well. Our broadcast engineer, Jim Bagleaducia, just remarked to me that the tension in the air here at Big Fucking Smoking Crater, Golan Heights, is simply mesmerizing. You can tell something big is happening and is happening soon. We've got mothers and children getting ready for the crucial competition by finding the best concrete bunker seat they can find, and there are grown men and boys buying patriotic explosives and armor-piercing rounds to support their home team. It's just electrifying here as we prepare for Thursday Night Holy Wars XXXXXXVIII, with the league leading Israeli Jews challenging the underdog Palestinian Muslims for league supremecy in the Middle East.
The sidelines are abuzz with excitement here as the Israeli Jews are warming up in their fighter planes, helicopters, and humorously large tanks which recently had their gun barrels upgraded to kill human beings better. If there's one thing the Jews have, it's high tech firepower and the backing of a phantom conspiracy figurehead which runs everything from the United States pencil industry to the underwater city of Atlantis. This impressive payroll has many analysts comparing them to the New York Yankees, only not as expensive. New to the team this year is the Jericho-3 missile system, which not only can cause people to explode in a more impressive fashion than the Jericho-2, but it also uses an onboard camera system to broadcast live footage of the missile flying through the air to the official Israeli LiveJournal website. When it reaches its target and detonates, an animated gif of the explosion from Duke Nukem 3D is shown on the webpage along with an embedded Real Audio clip from "Fight Club." Israel has had a relatively short trip to the big leagues of world superpowers, having developed most of its "pro-exploding people" agenda within the last 50 years. Let's take a quick look at some of Israel's vital stats here courtesy of the Zyboxen Pharmaceutical Industry At-A-Glance Outlook. Zyboxen Pharmaceutical Industry: helping millions of Americans help themselves by helping them help us. Try the new Zyboxen Pharmaceutical Industry drug "Trutherin" which will help you forget your wife is cheating on you with another man who is less fat and more intelligent than you. For all the tough times in life, there's Trutherin.
A Palestinian cheerleader.
The UN created Israel in 1947 under joint financial backing from HarmCo Precision Guided Weaponry Incorporated and the National Association For Religious Bickering (NARB). The country of Palestine was split into two sections, one dubbed "Palestine" and the other "Detroit." Once all the Israelis moved into Detroit, it was renamed to "Israel" to avoid confusion with Detroit, Michigan, which is a city in America where nobody wants to voluntarily live.
Israel caused over 500,000 Palestinians to move out of the country during the 1967 war by threatening to make them eat all their goofy Jewish food if they didn't leave.
In 1974, the General Assembly declared the Palestinian's rights of "self-determination, national independence and sovereignty, and to return" to their homeland. Then they reminded them that Israel still maintains the right to make them explode if they ever get uppity in any fashion. The PLO was granted the status of observer under the United Nations, meaning that whenever they had a problem with the Jews being jerks to them, their group would be reasonable for bitching nonstop and getting ignored by everybody else in the free world except the evil Russians.
June 1982 brought the exciting "Blood Bowl XXXXXXXXXXXXV" event where Israel invaded Lebanon in an attempt to eradicate the PLO, which had been named the Palestinian Impact Player for that year and had its contract renewed for the next seven years. A cease-fire was arranged and resulted in the slaughter of countless Palestinian refugees in Sabra and Shatila during an event which can be seen on the "Too Hot to Handle: Muddy Refugees With Stab Wounds" video series available through Time-Warner Communications.
The Palestinian population staged a massive revolt in December of 1987, causing many of them to die or get black eyes from abuse which the Israeli government later claimed was the result of "falling down the stairs." Counselors were called in, but suffered from an extreme case of bodily explosion when they attempted to investigate the matter.
A peace conference on the Middle East began on October 1991, with the ultimate goal of either peace or six hours without somebody blowing up a bus stop. To date, neither has happened, although there was once a 12-hour period in 1997 when a record low three religious temples were opened fired upon by automatic gunfire.
A computer guided Israeli hits its target, a three-mile target of potentially dangerous apartment homes and restaurants which violated key health codes.
Israel has fought long and hard to overcome their rookie mistakes, and it really seems like they're pulling together and coming up with one of their most productive and promising season since that one year where their helicopters blew up a school bus of enemy Palestinian children who could've possibly grown up to become deadly soldiers in about 10 or 20 years. We've seen a lot of positive leadership in their upper ranks with the general manager choosing to evenly distribute their tremendous wealth upon such pivotal resources as helicopters which cause other people to die, guys with large guns, and old white guys who show up at UN meetings and talk really slowly while other members nod and drink water. Israel has been a favorite among bookies and Las Vegas gamblers for the past decade or so, and they have done nothing but build upon the solid foundation which has given them such a strong reputation. Tonight's Thursday Night Holy Wars XXXXXXVIII will be a make-or-break game for them, either supporting what so many casino bosses have believed for years now or resulting in a tremendous upset and possibly causing them to lose control of the Middle East Division.
The Palestine Muslims come out looking for a victory as the fan-favorite underdogs, a group of ragtag misfits who battled the odds and somehow managed to remain alive for the past decade. Despite have a much larger fan base and populated minor league farm system, Palestine just hasn't been having much luck conquering their division rivals due to international pressure and a simple lack of large expensive devices which can launch precision surgical strikes on entire city blocks. You just can't help but feel a little depressed if you're a Muslim fan, since it seems as if their last major victory against the Jews came when their MVP, Mohammad Bassam Hommous, swallowed an entire barrel of gunpowder and detonated Wile E. Coyote style in an enemy daycare. Despite their constant setbacks, budgetary disasters, and condemnation from countries around the globe, the Muslims refuse to give up their fight and instead continue to make their own citizens explode in crowded public places until they've achieved a victory and dominance in the Middle East Division. Here's a look at some of the movers and shakers on this dynamic Palestinian team, courtesy of the Zyboxen Pharmaceutical Industry. Zyboxen Pharmaceutical Industry: helping millions of Americans help themselves by helping them help us. Ask your doctor about the new FDA approved Marsupill, the only prescription medication which prevents you from suddenly becoming a kangaroo in the middle of an important business meeting.
NAME: Naim Saeeda BisharaPalestinian public enemy #1.
WEIGHT: 152 lbs
THROWING GRENADES: Right
DESCRIPTION: Naim was born in the southern Gaza Strip, growing up in a strict Palestinian family. His father bought him a book for his fifth birthday, which instantly exploded when he opened it. For his tenth birthday, Naim was given a puppy dog which exploded when he tried to pet it. The day of his 15th birthday, he was allowed to visit the popular Palestinian amusement park, Explosion Land, which instantly exploded after he entered. This training gave character to the young boy, teaching him valuable life lessons about blowing up, which he has carried into his professional career. In a recent interview, Naim was quoted as saying, "I love this job; it's absolutely dynamite!" which of course doesn't make sense in Arabic because the pun wouldn't translate at all, not like it was just an absolutely hilarious joke to begin with.
NAME: Yasser "Powder Keg" Shlaim
WEIGHT: 149 lbs
THROWING GRENADES: Right
DESCRIPTION: As the leader of the Palestinian Suicide Bomber Cheer Club, Yasser is one of the most vocal supporters of detonating in public places. Despite the numerous times he's tried to blow himself up in crowded Israeli locations, he has never actually succeeded in doing so, as evident in the fact that he is still living. He suffered what many thought would be a career-ending injury in 1989 after he pulled the pin on 20 grenades stapled to his body inside a crowded melon shop. Unfortunately, the medical authorities were able to save his life and revive him to full health, much to the disappointment of friends and family. "We really hoped he was dead and would ascend into the great paradise above," remarked his brother Mahdi. "When our mother and father learned of his failure to die for Allah, they cried for three days straight and asked what they did to deserve such an unfaithful son." Yasser tried to pull off a successful suicide bombing the following summer, but failed when his plastique vest fell off and rolled down the hill, detonating and killing an Israeli family of six without taking his own life in the process. Following his subsequent 16 failed suicide bombings over the next decade, Yasser became terribly depressed and refused to show up for Spring training in 1998. His current record of 273-0 (273 civilian deaths and 0 suicides) may be quite impressive, but the big "0" in the suicide column has left Yasser in an unmotivated slump and resulted in a decreased level of confidence. Many insiders believe that these emotions will give Yasser the edge he needs when he saunters into an Israeli blind and handicapped orphanage next week, thereby allowing him the opportunity to successfully kill himself in the holy name of Allah.
The future is indeed looking bright for these struggling Palestinians, as their determination and grit may just allow them the chance to pull off a dramatic upset. We were able to get Yasser up here to the broadcasting booth for an exclusive network pre-game interview.
SA: "Yasser, it's a privilege to meet you."
YASSER: "Likewise. I love your show, I catch it every week."
SA: "Thank you very much. Now before we begin the interview, I just have to know what your jacket is made out of. It appears to be very lumpy and making a delightful ticking sound. Is this the new fashion line out of P-"
YASSER: "PRAISE ALLAH!!!! DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!"
Note from the editor: Yasser's record is now 275-1.
Ape Lincoln Would Be Ashamed
Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons here and back from hiatus with a brand new Horrors of Pornography piece for you. I have just finished enduring a wonderfully horrible "Planet of the Apes" themed pornographic movie entitled "Planet of the Babes". If you've ever wondered what Carol Channing would look like as an ape then this is the review for you!
The trio of futuremen do the logical thing and strip naked as soon as they see a drainage ditch to splash around in, leaving their future suits hanging on bushes. Let's take stock of the situation. Their ship crashed into a pond, they're on an unknown planet in an unknown time, and the first thing they do when they see a puddle of brackish water is strip naked and splash around like tattooed syphilis addled children. One thing leads to another and someone robs the astromen of their astromen suits, leaving them to wander some more - naked of course - and happen upon a colony of primitive humans. The humans they find don't speak English or wear any clothes, but they have at least discovered saline implants, makeup, labia piercing, and tattoos; the fundamentals of early human civilization.
So climb into your spaceship and set sail across the inky black seas of the cosmos with the destination of horrible pornography!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.