This article is part of the The Legend of Tooth Tooth series.
So where we leave off at? Think I told you bout how Tooth realized how if he--
Let me tell you, god, no disrespect, but Tooth ain' been too heavy in the streets these past days.
Of course he ain't been too heavy! He poisoned! O, the trechery of the white devil, the Yacubian abomination what seek to destroy the poor righteous teachers of supreme mathematics lest they with their wisdom endeavor to civilize those who in their ignorance cannot access the essential power of the original black man! O, the folly of that white-ass devil Jeremy Birdcastle, who sought to corrupt our boy Tooth by feeding him the toxic breads of the unclean animal, the wretched swine! O, the horror of Yacub, the primordial white evil, and his unholy followers. Let me tell you, cousin, this shit be--
Man, why we got to talk about this? We all love the boy Tooth, but now we all talking about this new kid.
Oh, word? So when a white devil make an attempt to debase the very righteousness of our most righteous leader, you just forget about the boy and get on some new shit? Please, cousin. That shit ain't right.
Yeah, but. Yeah, but. You seen this boy? Be real, god. This new boy dress pretty dope.
Oh, you talm'bout my boy How He Look So Fresh? Damn, cousin! Why you ain't say so? I mean, you know I love to talk about Tooth and how righteous he is, you know I love to spin a wild-ass plotline about the immaculacy of my boy and the many threats he face. You know I love to talk about that eagle he roll with, how that eagle reserve a swift talon for the eyeball of a bitch-ass whiteling who try to do the righteous man wrong. But, shit, maybe we bout to take a strange interlude.
Aw shit. Aw shit. We all up on a strange interlude about How He Look So Fresh. Yeah, kid. Yeah.
Shit. You know bout I seen that boy How He Look So Fresh on the corner the other day? I just stepped out to get my glasses shined over at the machine works, right, and I see that boy How He Look So Fresh posted up by that dog statue. And he got this hat on, god.
The shit was made entirely out of glass. Word is bond. How He Look So Fresh was posted on the corner in a glass hat. Had the words "SPIDER KING MMXII" etched right in the glass on the front. Glass sticker still on there, too. I was like, Damn. I go, Damn, How He Look So Fresh, is that hat from two years from now? You get that shit two years hence? And he just looked at me, put up two fingers, kissed the fingers and then made a peace sign at the dog statue. Again, I was just like, Damn. I go, How He Look So Fresh, where you get that glass hat?
Not a damn thing, god. Word is bond. He just ran his thumb and fingertip across the bill of the cap, only he did it in slow motion. It took six minutes.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
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It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.