Rounding out my contribution to the much-maligned Top Ten Week I would like to offer everyone my top ten favorite top ten lists. You see, I have thousands of top ten lists just sitting around waiting to be hung out in the public eye. In fact I spend every moment not working or sleeping writing down top ten lists. I find it really relaxing to categorize "the ten worst cartoon dogs" or finally codify "the ten most frequently wet beds in America". I think it brings a little order out of chaos, and I hope that this top ten list of top ten lists will prove both calmingly organized and amusing.
10. Best Movie Titles
10. Ninja vs. Mafia9. Tallest Mountains By Guesstimate
9. You Got Served
8. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace
7. Darkman III: Die Darkman Die
6. Hell Up In Harlem
5. Attack of the Chainsaw Mutant
4. Taste the Blood of Dracula
3. 2020 Texas Gladiators
2. Puppetmaster 6: Curse of the Puppetmaster: The Human Experiment
1. Masked Avenger Versus Ultra-Villain In The Lair Of The Naked Bikini
10. Mount Rushmore8. Body Parts Most Commonly Eaten By Serial Killers
9. Mount Fuji
8. Space Mountain
7. Mount Kilimanjaro
6. Mount Saint Helens
5. Pike's Peak
4. Mount Vesuvius
3. The Sears Tower
2. Mount Everest
1. Mount Olympus
10. Torso7. Most Nauseatingly Sappy Album Titles
9. Eyes and/or ears
5. Entire fetus
10. Heart Beats: Now and Forever - Timeless Wedding Songs6. Worst Book Titles Attributed to Stephen King that Stephen King Didn't Actually Write
9. Sting - Inside - The Songs of Sacred Love
8. Especially for You
7. Forever More
6. Wildflowers - Songs of Love
5. Heart Beats: Love Plus One
4. Infinite Embrace of Love
3. Butterfly Hearts
2. Passion to Remember
1. Unforgettable and Other Classics to Sit By the Fire With
10. Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six 14: Ding's Hawaiian Vacation5. Cartoons Most Frequently Subverted By Pornography
9. In the Company of Meteor Men
8. Earth Versus the Giant Version of Earth
7. Emeril's There's a Chef in My Family!: Recipes to Get Everybody Cooking
6. Master of Fright: The Totally Unauthorized Biography of Stephen King
5. Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot
4. The Stand 2: Randall Flagg's Trip to the Dark Tower on Salem's Lot
3. Rose Madder
2. E.A.R.L.: The Autobiography of DMX
1. Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling's Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book
10. Animaniacs4. Celebrities Most Deserving of a Punch to the Genitals
9. Tiny Toons
8. Chip N' Dale's Rescue Rangers
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
6. The Jetsons
5. Kim Possible
3. The Simpsons
2. Lilo & Stitch
1. The Lion King
10. Fred Durst3. Best Porn Movie Titles of 2000-2004
9. Jessica Simpson
8. Michael Jackson
7. Berkley Breathed
6. EA CEO Larry Probst
5. Rupert Murdoch
4. Barbara Streisand
3. Toby Keith
1. Bill O'Reilly and/or Michael Moore
10. Young Girls in Dark Territory2. Rappers Least Likely to Be Shot in 2005
9. ASM: The Art of Ass to Mouth
8. Dude Where's My Cunt? #4
7. Old and Hungry for Love
6. Let's Play Lick the Can
5. She Male Sex Pistols at the Hard Rock Café 2
4. Up and Cummers 107
3. Gang Bang Jizz Jammers (originally 1995, being released on DVD at last!)
2. Hey, Grandma is a Whore #8
1. Shit Hole Pounders
10. MC Paul Barman1. Best Lessons Criminals Can Learn from Sheriff John Bunnell
8. Tupac Shakur
6. Sean Combs
4. Bubba Sparxxx
3. Thomas Dolby
2. The Beastie Boys
1. Big Boi will be lucky if he can even get slapped hard in 2005
10. No matter how fast your car can drive, you can't escape the long arm of justice.
9. Police must often make the hard decision to let a criminal go so that a high speed chase does not endanger the lives of innocent bystanders.
8. For one unwise criminal a simple traffic stop just turned into time behind bars.
7. This is one criminal who is lucky to have survived to face the fate in store for him in prison.
6. The madman behind the wheel swerves to avoid hitting the spike strips and ends up learning a hard lesson about guard rails.
5. Being drunk is no excuse for endangering the lives of innocent bystanders.
4. The crazed driver tears through the intersection and barely avoids a brutal collision with an oncoming tractor trailer.
3. Sometimes police turn to their eyes in the sky to aid in pursuit and when they do, there is no escaping the long arm of justice.
2. Officers in pursuit attempt to box the driver in before his rampage turns deadly in the nearby residential neighborhood.
1. A tractor trailer driver attempts to aid police by blocking the crazed madman, but this simple traffic stop has endanger the lives of innocent bystanders and when the long arm of justice catches up with him he will be doing his rampages from behind bars.
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Photoshop vs. Phriday: The Movie
Hi gang, Livestock here. Another week brings us another fresh Photoshop Phriday, and this week is all about movies. In particular, this week is all about movies crossing over with one another. It's a fantastic premise that you just know is going to deliver laughs, and boy does it ever!
Please click here, on this link, to read Photoshop Phriday. Be empowered, be wise.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.