There are a hell of a lot of things I don't know. I don't know why doves cry. I don't know why it can't rain all the time. I'll never know that I'm your hero. Of what little I do know there is only a tiny sliver of information that I would be able to provide in any coherent fashion if asked. Luckily, I don't have to answer anything! With the help of the Something Awful field team I bring you the second installment of my series "Tough Answers". These articles allow great minds throughout the world to finally put to rest some of the most difficult or controversial questions of our time.
Enough from me though, let's get to the masters and their five magics.
Liberal Windbag Michael Moore Describes the Impact of Geothermal Power on the Energy Industry in the United States
"Our Selected President has claimed that he wants to support cleaner emission standards by investing heavily in hydrogen fuel cells, but the joke is on our environment, because the Commander in Chump wants to generate these fuel cells by using dirty-burning coal electric plants. How is that going to solve anyone's problems Shrub? If Bush had instead invested in 100% clean and renewable geothermal power we wouldn't be in this mess in Iraq. The Iraq war is just another diversion from getting the real terrorists and if you look at the pattern of deception and misinformation used by this administration to bait the American people into supporting this war you will see the tragedy of it all. Did you know that in Iraq the United States has been responsible for killing more babies than Iraqi soldiers? Do you think that sort of thing happened under Saddam Hussein? Do you think the streets run red with babies in France? No, it is only in Iraq under American hegemony that the sweet, succulent, babies are being slaughtered by the millions in their delicious barbecue sauce blankets and rotisserie cribs. The juiciest babies are going completely to waste, their fresh milk-fat flesh smeared inside a crater by a…a…do you know where I can get a baby right now? My normal dealer is out of town and - come on, please help me out. Don't go! I need babies! I crave them!"
Conservative Windbag Bill O'Reilly Explains the Symbolism Featured in Religious Paintings by Late 15th Century Dutch Surrealist Hieronymus Bosch
"Dutch surrealist who? No, now you wait a minute sir. I gave you a chance to talk, I- (Questioner attempts to clarify the line of inquiry). Shut up, cut his mic. Can somebody cut his mic?! Okay, now listen to me. You come on my show- (Questioner attempts to explain that they are not currently on the set of O'Reilly's show). Shut up! You had your chance! I gave you time to talk now you let me finish. I swear, if you interrupt me again we are going to have it out right here on the air. You come on my show pushing your fringe European liberal elitist agenda. Do you know how many people care about Dutchland? Do you know what the Dutch have done in the last twenty years? Nada! Zip! We here in America have been promoting the arts, film, technology, leading in science and learning, we have brought peace and democracy to the better part of the free world, and you have the- No sir, I will not calm down. I was calm, perfectly calm, when you came here but I will not tolerate insults and slander in the No Spin Zone. I will not tolerate this sort of intellectually dishonest bullying you are trying to push with your appearance. I will not give a platform to people like you. This interview is over. No, we're done."
80's Kitsch TV Icon Mr. T Explains Post-Keynesian Economic Theory as it Applies to Current Markets
"Hey, thanks for this, I am just happy to be working. I always say the only thing I ever turn down is my collar. (Questioner relates the topic of discussion to Mr. T). Oh yeah, economics, and whatnot. Well, we all got a piece in economic pie. I grew up in the ghetto and didn't have much of anything to speak of. My mom broke her back scrubbing floors and when my daddy wasn't working he was preachin'. My momma raised me on no money at all, but she gave me a lot of other important things. I mean, I was raised in the ghetto, but the ghetto wasn't raised in me. I had a lot of jobs, I was a bouncer, and a bodyguard to Mohammad Ali. I made great money doing this, but I thought that there are things that is more important than just making money. I thought I could get the message out about being strong and true to yourself, and finding the strength you need in God. So I went into TV and I became a role model for a lot of kids. Whenever I see a kid I say to him; 'just respect yourself and pray to God when you is lost'. People I think, they get distance in their lives. They forget about the important things of God and family. They only care about money and jewelry. I ain't no hypocrite either, I got all this jewelry to remind me of the shackles that weighed on my ancestors. People ask me if they is heavy and tell them that nobody asked those slaves if their chains was heavy. So, I think, yeah. Economics are important, but you can't lose sight of what is real important."
TV Chef Emeril Lagasse Finally Resolves Concerns about the Feasibility of a German Cross-Channel Invasion of England during the Second World War
"Oh, hey, I'm in a hurry, I have a book signing at Borders in about forty-five minutes but I'll answer what I can. So this is about my live show or- (Questioner explains question and format). Oh, jeez, okay…uh, wait. Did Germany invade England? I thought they just had planes and things like that over there. (Questioner explains that it's a hypothetical question). Oh, okay, well the Germans wanted to invade England and so they had all of their armies ready to go. So then they take a little bit of aerial supremacy, let it simmer until the RAF is good and gone, then they go in with their navy and you know, keep that land based airpower simmering. Then they sweep out the channel, you know England can recall their Mediterranean fleet to kick things up a notch, but that just means more targets for the land based aircraft and BAM! Then, you see this bottle of cooking bourbon? This is like the Germans in their landing craft, you just need a little bit for a toehold (splashes a small amount into pot, then raises eyebrow and looks at questioner, then pours the entire contents of the bottle into the pot). That's fun for the whole family. Then the Germans can keep landing troops once they seize the airfields and that will kick it up another notch. Is that good? You can just make out the check to Emeril Enterprises Ltd."
Softcore Porn Legend Shannon Tweed Determines the Culprits behind the 1898 Sinking of the USS Maine that Prompted the Spanish-American War
"Are you from that website? (Questioner replies 'yes') Oh, okay, did you have an outfit you wanted me to pose in or what? I told my agent I will do full frontal but no close up shots on the downstairs. Not for what you're paying anyway. (Questioner explains that he is not there for a photo shoot and asks Tweed about the USS Maine). Nautical theme, I can do that. You want like one of those round hats or more like a classy sea-captain uniform type deal? I've got both. Just give me a second. No, hang on. Well, what do you want? I could like start out, maybe unbutton the top, maybe I could rub ice on my chest and then we could go into the bathroom and finish out the shoot with a bubble bath or something. I could maybe put a toy boat in there and you could do a shot with the boat like it's going to go in my hooch. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like in that movie they used to show right before mine on Cinemax where the woman has the toy- (questioner interrupts to explain what he wants). Oh, just answer a question? Okay. The Maine thing was pretty sad. That was the one with the rubber raft and the terrorists, right?"
Magician David Copperfield Reveals the Secrets Locked Inside the Human Genome
"The human genome. Land of ancient mystery. The secrets of magic have thrived there for millennia. But what if all of this mystery was suddenly to vanish? Tonight, before your eyes, I will make the human genome vanish. (Smoke generator begins filling the room with smoke even though the interview is being conducted in a Marriot conference room). The sensual human body. (Copperfield stands as a woman with a Parisian masquerade mask and a bikini on enters from what questioner believed to be a vacant supply closet). It has as many mysteries as the forbidden East. It contains within it a powerful code, responsible for guiding our growth, our change, our…magic. What happens when that magic is gone? Watcccchhhhhh. (Copperfield holds a paper file folder in front of model and smoke billows completely obscuring her. When the smoke clears she is gone.) Vanished. Magic. The human genome's hold on this reality is as tenuous as our fleeting ghostly existence. Thank you, I am David Copperfield. Just a man. Or am I? (Pyrotechnics explode setting the curtains on fire)."
Self-Aggrandizing Internet Humorist Maddox Explains the Impact of the Treaty of Versailles on Global Political Developments of the 20th Century
"I get over one million hits a day and over 5,000 e-mail messages so I don't have time to respond to every question I get about the greatest site on the Internet. I guess the Treaty of Versailles, that was what, with Hitler? (Questioner replies 'no') Yeah, Hitler is a lot like Bush, just telling pirates like me that we can't watch porno with lesbians or listen to songs about killing cops. Hey, when you post this answer on whatever web site that is you fags do can you put a counter on my answer so people know that more people read my answer than the other people's? Don't try to do it on someone else either because that was my idea. I called it. Counters on websites are all me. Whoa, okay, I just loaded your page what is this crap? You've got all of these graphics and layouts and whatnot, I am about protest so I use gigantic fonts and gray on black text because hey, your computer monitor is not a sheet of paper right? So that's why it's black, like paper is white, and then my site is black. You see the difference? Okay, so are you going to pay me good money for this, because I have been writing on my web site for 10 years now and even though it is the most popular web site on the Internet and everyone loves me I can't make any money - which is because I don't want to - but when I bring up paying me people freak out. So don't freak out. Hello? Hello?"
Monday I'll bring you something other than another Tough Answers, but some day soon you can look forward to hard hitting discussions from such luminaries as Ross Perot's vice presidential running mate Admiral Stockdale and Morbid Angel guitarist Trey Azagthoth.
The Furure is Not Now
Hello chums and chum-like readers, it's your old friend Livestock here. In an entirely predictable twist of fate, there is a brand new Photoshop Phriday up and ready to be gawked at. The theme this week focuses on products from no less than the future. Here is an example that you may look at:
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.