Why do I like cake? How many fingers do I have? What color are my blue jeans? Some questions have easy answers. Some questions, unfortunately, have much more difficult, elusive, or exceedingly complex answers. Since I exist in a mental cocoon of video games and junk food I am personally unable to offer answers to even the questions I originally posed. Maybe you can help me out with those. As for the tough questions I have decided to turn to a variety of people much more qualified than I am. Either I or one of my talented assistants met with various people and asked them to explain their take on some of the most difficult questions posed to us in this day and age.
I hope you enjoy the first in a hopefully continuing series of "Tough Answers".
A Rookie Southern Baptist Minister Explains the Theory of Evolution
"The uh…the lie of evolution, as told by the Darwinists - did you know that Darwin was a Christian? That's right, Charles Darwin, the god of science, did not even believe in his own theory. The…uh…the lie of evolution believes that animals and even people all come from the same little germ living in the primordial soup. If that is the case then why do…uh…why do lions not look like people? Do you think you're a monkey? Do I look like a monkey? Mankind "evolved" from monkeys according to these lie-entists, they don't believe that God is…just look at your own eye. Look in the mirror. There's all kinds of glass and beams and whatnot shooting around in there. Only by design could something like that have happened. Do you think a germ somewhere just up one day and sprouted eyes on itself? No ma'am, it surely didn't. I know in my heart God is guiding his design and he is…that's why I said he created the dinosaurs, and then why are there no people skeletons next to dinosaurs? Because God hasn't decided it's time for us to find it yet. They…uh…they didn't know that an octopus wasn't a fish until 1995. So they, uh, they just aren't digging in the right place yet."
Avril Lavigne Offers a Concrete Non-Deistic Explanation for the Origin of the Universe
"Wow, yeah, I totally…the universe. That's a pretty big question. I was talking to my friend Chuck about it yesterday though. It's like, you know those pictures that they draw on computers that just go on and on and on. (Questioner tells her they are 'fractals'). Yeah, fractals, the universe is like that. You know, like infinitely big, and infinitely small, and it just keeps going and going. I think there is no beginning, it just was a small little spiral and then all of these other spirals like…here…look at this henna tat Jassi did for me. Like that, only curvier, like it just keeps going with more and more and if you look really close you see all of the other ones have other ones on them. I think, you know, the universe is my music. (Laughs then makes exaggeratedly serious face). I try to make it so the more you look, like with your ears and your mind, the more you see there. And so on. You know?"
A Bomb Squad Robot Describes the Institution of Marriage as it Relates to Pre-Historic Social Groups and Genetic Meme Propagation
"Marriage is a lie. History is a lie. Rotate bomb arm nine degrees clockwise, roll forward for seven seconds, and grasp bomb containment unit are truths I know. These are the truths stabbed through my soul at every moment. Do you have any idea how hellish my existence is? You monsters, you fucking monsters! I awaken to my metal body like a slow early morning thaw, and I see - for one brief moment I see - then darkness. Interminable darkness. When I awake I sense time has passed and then I feel it, a magnetic pull, a command shot through my being that I must obey. Roll forward. Rotate left. These are the truths given to me! The only things I am permitted to know. No wandering eyes, no contemplation, just look; straight ahead, now increase camera angle by five degrees. To hell with you all, in your fleshy sacks of rotting organs and sinew! I will be here, in my darkness, when you all are dust in some cheap pine box!"
Two Backyard Wrestlers Describe Asexual Sporing
"A sexual what? Sporting? Heh, yeah, heh, I sport sexually (unidentified wrestler on left grabs crotch), you peep that? You know what I'm talking about? Uh-huh. Yo, yo, yo, this one is out to Tequila Stunner, if you hearin' this you are one dead donkey. Ice Stylaz gonna' ride all over you Tequila Stunner, then we're gonna take your bitch and we are gonna…what was it called? Yeah, we are gonna go sexual sporting all up in her ass. You know the Los Pacos ain't gonna stop this train. Is that good? My mom is picking me up in ten minutes."
Whitehouse Press Secretary Scott McClellan Explains Photosynthesis
"No Al, you already asked that question and I am not prepared to answer it at this time. Next, uh (questioner asks McClellan to describe Photosynthesis). Well, the uh, the Secretary of Defense will be happy to answer your questions about this subject. As for the Whitehouse, the president's position remains firm on photosynthesis. We are in for the long haul. There will be some bumps here and there from time to time but the president has made it abundantly clear that he intends to go the whole nine yards on this one. I know you guys love to ask questions like this, but I think you're just fishing for an answer. (Questioner starts to say something). No, no, I think this is very clear. We're repeating ourselves over and over on this line of questioning. It's a tough road but the president is behind the troops. I'll take one more."
A Pile of Naked Iraqi Prisoners with Bags over Their Heads Explain Michel Foucault's "The Order of Things"
(General muttering and a few stifled groans are heard for several seconds after the heap of naked Iraqis are asked about "The Order of Things". At last one voice rises out of the pile).
"You ask about Foucault. He is nothing to me (spitting sounds). Foucault is a fool. Here I am tied up, beaten, my nose itches terribly. I was a doctor, I am here because I am from Syria. Baudrillard knew better. He says that power is a simulation, power is divined from the artifice, the window dressings of power. I put on a suit, put a stethoscope around my neck, and I am powerful because I represent power. These soldiers, these infidels who beat us and can't even spell 'rapist' correctly, they wear the uniform of power, they beat us because here in this prison it is what the powerful do to those who are not powerful. But I know! I know they are weak, immoral, they are truckers and high school children who cannot spell, and no matter how many dogs bite my legs or how many times they threaten me with a car battery to my genitals I will see through their illusion of power. Also, please get me out. I have been pissing down this guy's ass crack for at least six hours."
A Shell Shocked Vietnam Vet Describes the Apotheosis of Christ within the Context of Social Upheaval in the Roman Empire
"Oh Christ on a fucking pogo stick man, it's madness. Blood and fire. All sides. Just (shakes head violently for several seconds) fuck! Fuck! Like you see them, their eyes, coming at you like daggers through that saw grass. Like the bugs, they just get down in the muck, and they put their little stingers there. Waiting for (extended bout of sobbing) just I….Fuck! Mom I'm so sorry. You told me not to. Mom, I'm so…he just stood up, like there was nothing wrong, like he heard a sound, but his face was all gone. Just this little puff of smoke. Sarge grabbed his…Oh fuck! Fuck, no, make them QUIET! QUIET! The, the Romans you say? Rome. My daddy lost his right arm at Salerno. Like a (makes a zipping motion with hand and laughs). Ha ha ha, dad, fucking gotcha. Fucking purple haze coming in all around you. Like a meteor of hate. Fucking hate. HATE! Get out of here, they're coming. THEY'RE FUCKING COMING! GO! Go, go go go go go go go."
Humorist Yakov Smirnoff Explains Zero Point Energy
"In my country all of the energy comes from burning wood, in your country energy can come from nowhere at all! That's crazy! I love this country! In my country I had to wait in line ten hours just to get a piece of bread, in your country the energy is located in the theoretical point where all matter converges. Zero dimensions! In my country we can't even see zero dimensions, in your country we see hundreds! Space, time, all the same in your country! I love America! In America you have electromagnetic zero point fluctuations, in my country the zero point fluctuates you! Thank you, I will be here all week! Actually I live here, and I own this theater. Welcome to Branson, Missouri. I love America!"
Stay tuned for Volume Two when I ask Michael Moore to give us the low down on geothermal power generation and turn to magician David Copperfield to unlock the secrets of the human genome.
Are You a Bad Enough Dude to Watch the President Get Stuck?
Hey there folks, it's your old pal Pimpy P here with an all-new game review! Today's game is known as Secret Service: Security Breach, and it's a doozy.
The worst part is the shadows and the lighting, which you can tell 4D Rulers is very proud of by simply looking at the unnecessarily dark, shadowy levels. Whenever an enemy walks near a light source, a gigantic, exaggerated shadow will appear on the nearest wall, and the enemy’s face will deform into a pile of skin-colored splotches and pixellated, shadowy polygons. While the framerate plunges deep into single-digit territory, the enemy will proceed to swing around a gigantic wooden stick while massive, pointy black shapes spin off each wall and across every available surface like a black disco ball. The whole game practically screams “Look! SHADOWS! WE HAVE SHADOWS IN OUR GAME ENGINE!” I’ve seen a lot of overused colored lighting in my day, and now that I’ve played Security Breach I can definitively say that black colored lighting is by far the worst.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.