UFOs - They Ain't Jes Fer Rednecks No More
In the dead of the night, when families are sleeping soundly in their warm, tiny little beds, something sinister travels across the world at the speed of sound. This horrifying and frightening entity can find its way into almost any house or building with the greatest of ease, sliding across wires and radiating right through solid walls. It beckons to the criminally insane and conspiracy-minded crowds of people, pulling them towards it in countless masses and holding their attention for hours. Yes, there is no stopping Art Bell.
The local Los Angeles KFI-640 AM radio station recently decided to pick up Art Bell's syndicated show, "Coast to Coast With Art Bell," which runs from 10:00 PM to around 4:00 AM. This coveted "drug user and insomniac" spot was previously filled by repeats of the ever-helpful Doctor Laura, a world-famous talk show host who became popular by offering common sense advice to the braindead yahoos of the world.
Repeat this kind of drudgery for three hours a day and bam, one show of Doctor Laura is done. To be honest, I really give Dr. Laura all the credit in the world. Day in and day out she has to deal with the complete idiots that call her show, asking for painfully obvious advice that anybody who hasn't been convicted of repeatedly molesting a charcoal grille would be able to figure out. If I was Dr. Laura and I had to wade through nonstop questions from people with an IQ smaller than their firearm collection, I'd probably go crazy and jump into a hot tub filled with radios tuned to my show. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have to answer all the email to Jeff K., accusing him of not being a "real hacker."
So anyway, Dr. Laura is now out and "Coast to Coast With Art Bell" is in. If you live in the remaining 19 square feet of the world that doesn't pick up Art Bell's nightly escapades, let me explain what his show is all about. Imagine the most ludicrous episode of "The X-Files" that you've ever seen, magnify the raw unbelievability of it by one billion times, and then throw in some guy that only speaks in a monotone drawl under fear that the government will implant tracking devices in his testicles if he raises the pitch of his voice by one cent. Each episode of "Coast to Coast" seems to top the previous in the sheer amount of gullibility required to believe a single minute of it. Now many people may claim, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, you're just putting down Art Bell because you have a close mind! If you were receptive to new ideas and would bother opening your mind a little, you'd find the show much more enjoyable!" That's the problem right there, folks. If I was open-minded and listened to Art Bell's show for even 10 minutes, you can bet your black ass I'd instantly start building a fallout shelter behind the local Arby's and strapping on the tinfoil helmet. Listening to Art Bell's show with an open mind is essentially setting yourself up for insanity because, as a general rule, each episode of his show deals with the following subjects:
Occasionally Bell "spices things up" a bit by interviewing some guy who claims to work for the government on an ultra-top secret project which either made visible things become invisible or invisible things become visible, but these clowns easily take back seat to the alien scientists. The alien scientists are Art Bell's favorite guest, as they often have the best evidence to back up their bizarre theories. Note that when I write "they have evidence" I mean "they don't have any evidence." Each time an alien scientist is on, he invariably claims to have conclusive proof of alien existence that can not be refuted by any scientist either alive, dead, or a combination of the two. Unfortunately, the alien scientist is never able to bring the proof or show it to the media because it's in the lab being examined or he accidentally left it on the subway or it's being tuned up at the local tire store. But hey, this evidence is REAL and it'll be available through his members-only website or $29.99 hardback book entitled, "What the Fuck Kind of Crazy-Ass Shit Has Been Implanted Into My Nose, Huh?"
So the monotone guest alien scientists come on and Art Bell attempts to temporarily suspend all rational thought on his part so he can stretch the conversation over a two hour time span. Usually this isn't particularly hard to do, as 99% of the mentally imbalanced folk out there have severe problems shutting up. When was the last time you saw somebody committed to a mental asylum because they were too quiet? Well, besides in "Hellraiser 2"?
As you can see, the problem isn't because I'm close-minded; the problem is due to all the open-minded people out there. Although I will admit that "Coast to Coast With Art Bell" is incredibly entertaining and amusing, I'm not sure if it's for the intended reasons. Until the night aliens break down my door and force me to ride in their trans-dimensional spacecraft while they get loaded and drill holes through cows' skulls, I'm going to remain a cautious skeptic. Luckily for me, Dr. Largenbus predicts I'll be picked up by the aliens tonight, so you can expect a sincere apology and retraction tomorrow.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
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