UFOs - They Ain't Jes Fer Rednecks No More

In the dead of the night, when families are sleeping soundly in their warm, tiny little beds, something sinister travels across the world at the speed of sound. This horrifying and frightening entity can find its way into almost any house or building with the greatest of ease, sliding across wires and radiating right through solid walls. It beckons to the criminally insane and conspiracy-minded crowds of people, pulling them towards it in countless masses and holding their attention for hours. Yes, there is no stopping Art Bell.

The local Los Angeles KFI-640 AM radio station recently decided to pick up Art Bell's syndicated show, "Coast to Coast With Art Bell," which runs from 10:00 PM to around 4:00 AM. This coveted "drug user and insomniac" spot was previously filled by repeats of the ever-helpful Doctor Laura, a world-famous talk show host who became popular by offering common sense advice to the braindead yahoos of the world.

CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I gots a problem. My baby's in the trash compactor and won't stop crying. What do I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Take her out of the trash compactor."

CALLER: "Thanks Dr. Laura! You're a true genius." (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I need your advice. Should I invite a Neo-Nazi to my son's Bar Mitzvah? The Neo-Nazi bags our groceries at the local Food Hut and he often tries to stab me with a knife, but I think I'd feel bad if I didn't invite him."

DR. LAURA: "You shouldn't invite him."

CALLER: "Thank you Dr. Laura!" (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Hey Doctor Laura, my 89-year old mother has been acting cranky for the past week. She keeps shouting and crying. What can I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Is she in the trash compactor?"

CALLER: "Let me check." (Pause, filled with screams in the background) "Yeah she is. What should I do?"

Repeat this kind of drudgery for three hours a day and bam, one show of Doctor Laura is done. To be honest, I really give Dr. Laura all the credit in the world. Day in and day out she has to deal with the complete idiots that call her show, asking for painfully obvious advice that anybody who hasn't been convicted of repeatedly molesting a charcoal grille would be able to figure out. If I was Dr. Laura and I had to wade through nonstop questions from people with an IQ smaller than their firearm collection, I'd probably go crazy and jump into a hot tub filled with radios tuned to my show. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have to answer all the email to Jeff K., accusing him of not being a "real hacker."

So anyway, Dr. Laura is now out and "Coast to Coast With Art Bell" is in. If you live in the remaining 19 square feet of the world that doesn't pick up Art Bell's nightly escapades, let me explain what his show is all about. Imagine the most ludicrous episode of "The X-Files" that you've ever seen, magnify the raw unbelievability of it by one billion times, and then throw in some guy that only speaks in a monotone drawl under fear that the government will implant tracking devices in his testicles if he raises the pitch of his voice by one cent. Each episode of "Coast to Coast" seems to top the previous in the sheer amount of gullibility required to believe a single minute of it. Now many people may claim, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, you're just putting down Art Bell because you have a close mind! If you were receptive to new ideas and would bother opening your mind a little, you'd find the show much more enjoyable!" That's the problem right there, folks. If I was open-minded and listened to Art Bell's show for even 10 minutes, you can bet your black ass I'd instantly start building a fallout shelter behind the local Arby's and strapping on the tinfoil helmet. Listening to Art Bell's show with an open mind is essentially setting yourself up for insanity because, as a general rule, each episode of his show deals with the following subjects:

Aliens and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could float into your home and start shoving lawn furniture into your rectum if they really wanted to,
Bigfoot and how he's everywhere and can't be stopped and how he could tear your wife in half and force feed her corpse to your kids if he really wanted to,
Deadly diseases and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could kill the entire world's population if we don't IMMEDIATELY start investing in canola oil and pork futures,
Ghosts and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could possess your wife and force her to start performing slightly embarrassing dance moves during an important social event.

Occasionally Bell "spices things up" a bit by interviewing some guy who claims to work for the government on an ultra-top secret project which either made visible things become invisible or invisible things become visible, but these clowns easily take back seat to the alien scientists. The alien scientists are Art Bell's favorite guest, as they often have the best evidence to back up their bizarre theories. Note that when I write "they have evidence" I mean "they don't have any evidence." Each time an alien scientist is on, he invariably claims to have conclusive proof of alien existence that can not be refuted by any scientist either alive, dead, or a combination of the two. Unfortunately, the alien scientist is never able to bring the proof or show it to the media because it's in the lab being examined or he accidentally left it on the subway or it's being tuned up at the local tire store. But hey, this evidence is REAL and it'll be available through his members-only website or $29.99 hardback book entitled, "What the Fuck Kind of Crazy-Ass Shit Has Been Implanted Into My Nose, Huh?"

So the monotone guest alien scientists come on and Art Bell attempts to temporarily suspend all rational thought on his part so he can stretch the conversation over a two hour time span. Usually this isn't particularly hard to do, as 99% of the mentally imbalanced folk out there have severe problems shutting up. When was the last time you saw somebody committed to a mental asylum because they were too quiet? Well, besides in "Hellraiser 2"?

ART BELL: "Greetings everybody. We're at the bottom of the hour and our special guest Dr. Biff Largenbus was just starting to explain the connection between the recent UFO sightings in Eastern Nevada and the government's refusal to comment on the abundance of sodium in the new Gatorade 'Mega Melon' flavor. So Doctor Largenbus, what were you saying about UFOs in the previous segment?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Well Art, I was just establishing the fact that nobody, including you, Art, has ever seen a convertible UFO before. Tell me Art, have you ever seen an UFO with its top down, Art?"

BELL: "Fascinating. No, I can't say that I have."

DR. LARGENBUS: "So it's obvious that the aliens, Art, who I have already established are time-travelling humans working with the Pleiadians to terraform the Earth for their species, have a weakness against sunlight. Do you see, Art? Their skin actually combusts under natural light, Art, as I have proven in many experiments at my scientific laboratory which I recently upgraded to provide both hot and cold running water, Art. Have you ever noticed that when people are abducted it's usually during the night, Art? Art? Have you? Art?"

BELL: "Intriguing. This really makes you think, doesn't it?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Well Art, back before the accident with the farm thresher, Art, when I was working for the government on their top secret Majestic-28 project, Franklin D. Roosevelt actually visited us and gave an order to destroy all evidence linking the alien visitations with the rise in popularity of Pepsi-Cola and ICBMs. Tell me Art, when was the last time you heard of Pepsi-Cola sponsoring an alien research study? Huh, Art? Art, Art, Art, Art."

BELL: "Incredible. I can't believe I've never heard this theory before; it makes perfect sense. Let's see if any of my listeners haven't overdosed on heroin by now. Ray in San Bernadino, are you there?"

CALLER: "BLUUUUGGGGGHHAAAAA!!!" (Horrible screeching sounds and echoes reverberate in the background) "BLLUUUUAAAGAGA GROOOOOOLIE."

BELL: "Ray, Ray! You'll have to turn down your radio, Ray! We can't hear you. Ray? Ray! TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO, RAY!"

CALLER: "MAAARMA HORRRRRDAAG." (More ungodly noises fill the background, like a pig being rubbed up against a cheese grater)

BELL: (Pause) "Oh wait, my producer just informed me that your radio isn't turned after all. You claim to be an alien who is currently traveling across the ninth dimension and this is your method of communication. Sorry Ray, but you'll have to call back on 'Alien Free For All Night' this coming Friday. Carla in Rosedale, you're on."

CALLER: "Hello?"

BELL: "Hello Carla, you're on the air with Art Bell."

CALLER: "Hello? Am I on?"

BELL: "Yes Carla, this is Art Bell and we're talking with Dr. Biff Largenbus. Do you have a question?"

CALLER: "Hello? Art?"

BELL: "Yes ma'am, this is Art, go ahead with your question."

CALLER: "Art who?"

BELL: (Disconnecting) "Jay in Birmingham, you're up."

CALLER: "Hello Art, I love your show. I have a question for Dr. Largenbus. You wrote in your previous book, 'Laughably Vague Predictions For the New Millennium', that humans would be granted incredible psychic powers in the year 2000 which would allow them to construct entire cities just by merely using their mind. Do you have any clarifications you'd like to make on why that didn't occur? Because I tried doing this the other day and nothing happened except my dog looked at me funny but my dog always looks at me funny because he's been dead for the past seven months."

BELL: "Excellent. Fascinating question."

DR. LARGENBUS: "As a remote viewer, I have no exact perception of time. All I can do is make a rough estimate. It's like a blind NASCAR driver attempting to plot out the entire solar system while engaging in a one-handed swordfight and memorizing the entire Bible in Latin. You surely can't expect me to beat such odds, can you? It's an imprecise science, as I've explained in my recently published book, 'Where Are We Now and Where Did We Come From and Why Aren't We There Now Where We Were Before Now?' which you can pick up at finer K-Marts across the US."

BELL: "Amazingly interesting. That's totally incredible. Doctor, using your professional judgment, would you say that these aliens will kill us all?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Probably."

BELL: "How very intriguing."

As you can see, the problem isn't because I'm close-minded; the problem is due to all the open-minded people out there. Although I will admit that "Coast to Coast With Art Bell" is incredibly entertaining and amusing, I'm not sure if it's for the intended reasons. Until the night aliens break down my door and force me to ride in their trans-dimensional spacecraft while they get loaded and drill holes through cows' skulls, I'm going to remain a cautious skeptic. Luckily for me, Dr. Largenbus predicts I'll be picked up by the aliens tonight, so you can expect a sincere apology and retraction tomorrow.

PS: If you'd like to read more about "Coast to Coast With Art Bell," check out his website or see which station he's on in your area.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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