This article is part of the Unlike My Opponent series.
It is that time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of winning elections. With the distinct aroma of politics in the air, I cannot help but feel obligated to run. Trust me when I say that it is not a false sense of entitlement that compels me, nor is it what Dr. Martin Luther King called the "fierce urgency of now." It is simply the knowledge that unlike my opponent...
I am always eager to shake your hand. And when my normal human hand grips yours, I won't crush it or give you a deadly infection due to open, festering sores.
I don't let my two obese manchildren roam the streets at night yelling at dogs and banging pots and pans together. I lock mine in the basement where they belong.
I believe in the magic of cat whiskers. It is the secret to my eternal youth and I'm not too selfish to share it with you.
I have never advocated spending tax payer money to turn the city zoo into a hunting range for wealthy European aristocrats. No, I joined other community leaders in bulldozing it to make room for a Super Wal-Mart parking lot.
My victory in the Tri-City Dance Competition was won fair and square through patriotic popping and locking. What is patriotic about my opponent's vulgar bump and grind routine? Absolutely nothing.
I refrain from using my shapeshifting abilities to con people and break up marriages. Can my opponent say the same? Oh, he can? Well, he is lying.
I am not a liar.
I have never flown a plane into a building that was taller than three stories.
I never tried to drive a bus full of kidnapped senior citizens into an abandoned quarry. If it were up to me, I would have driven that bus straight to the Old Country Buffet and treated them to lunch while listening to their stories.
I support alternative energy sources such as wind and solar and reject the idea that we have to continue burning widows and orphans in furnaces.
I have never asked any sort of Greater Dark Lord for power, offering a portion of my lower class constituency as tribute.
I respect the Police Department and the job they do. I would never try to fire them for telling me that it is wrong to force different animals to mate in my backyard while I videotape it.
My experiments with cannibalism were brief and ended long ago. Ask my opponent why he is never seen without a meat-covered human femur in hand.
I have never tried to disenfranchise voters by rounding them up in a barn and setting it on fire.
My opponent, who USED to own multiple barns, can't go on the record and say he's never started a fire.
I am perfectly happy appearing in public on a full moon. In fact, I insist on it.
I have never performed any sort of patricide for political gain.
I believe the forbidden art of necromancy has no place in our schools. I will fight to keep our children in the Lord's good graces.
I have never spent my entire welfare check at a liquor store, racetrack, or adult toy store. Furthermore, I do not accept welfare as I am filthy rich.
You won't find a room in my basement where I store hundreds upon hundreds of dolls.
I strongly opposed the installation of bacon vending machines in our schools.
I have never put a saddle on a dog and forced a baby to ride that dog for the enjoyment of depraved Japanese businessmen.
I have never tied a constituent's daughter to train tracks and laughed diabolically as a train approached. If I ever did, you could bet your bottom dollar that I would have a damn good reason.
I have never tried to kidnap children for purposes of starting my own personal youth army.
I never have and never will utilize bees and wasps as a means of breaking up rival campaign rallies.
Not once in my extensive career have I ever purchased an industrial freezer and filled it full of live cats and snakes for my own perverse amusement.
Ask any prostitute in this town if I ever tried to murder them. They will tell you, "No, he was a gentleman." They can't say the same about my opponent.
You will never find blood on my hands. If you do, it is because I shook my opponent's bloody hands out of gentlemanly courtesy.
The facts are as clear as day. The writing is on the wall. Never before has there been such a need for change. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that change. Please elect me as your noble mayor and I promise that I will do my best to protect you from the horrors of my opponent.
Liberals have once again used the media to attack Trump. We have the leaked script for Rogue One that exposes all of their vile lies.
All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
An ongoing list of reasons why you should vote for me and not my cowardly, lecherous, corpse-robbing opponent who never washes his hands.