This article is part of the Unlike My Opponent series.
It is that time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of winning elections. With the distinct aroma of politics in the air, I cannot help but feel obligated to run. Trust me when I say that it is not a false sense of entitlement that compels me, nor is it what Dr. Martin Luther King called the "fierce urgency of now." It is simply the knowledge that unlike my opponent...
I am always eager to shake your hand. And when my normal human hand grips yours, I won't crush it or give you a deadly infection due to open, festering sores.
I don't let my two obese manchildren roam the streets at night yelling at dogs and banging pots and pans together. I lock mine in the basement where they belong.
I believe in the magic of cat whiskers. It is the secret to my eternal youth and I'm not too selfish to share it with you.
I have never advocated spending tax payer money to turn the city zoo into a hunting range for wealthy European aristocrats. No, I joined other community leaders in bulldozing it to make room for a Super Wal-Mart parking lot.
My victory in the Tri-City Dance Competition was won fair and square through patriotic popping and locking. What is patriotic about my opponent's vulgar bump and grind routine? Absolutely nothing.
I refrain from using my shapeshifting abilities to con people and break up marriages. Can my opponent say the same? Oh, he can? Well, he is lying.
I am not a liar.
I have never flown a plane into a building that was taller than three stories.
I never tried to drive a bus full of kidnapped senior citizens into an abandoned quarry. If it were up to me, I would have driven that bus straight to the Old Country Buffet and treated them to lunch while listening to their stories.
I support alternative energy sources such as wind and solar and reject the idea that we have to continue burning widows and orphans in furnaces.
I have never asked any sort of Greater Dark Lord for power, offering a portion of my lower class constituency as tribute.
I respect the Police Department and the job they do. I would never try to fire them for telling me that it is wrong to force different animals to mate in my backyard while I videotape it.
My experiments with cannibalism were brief and ended long ago. Ask my opponent why he is never seen without a meat-covered human femur in hand.
I have never tried to disenfranchise voters by rounding them up in a barn and setting it on fire.
My opponent, who USED to own multiple barns, can't go on the record and say he's never started a fire.
I am perfectly happy appearing in public on a full moon. In fact, I insist on it.
I have never performed any sort of patricide for political gain.
I believe the forbidden art of necromancy has no place in our schools. I will fight to keep our children in the Lord's good graces.
I have never spent my entire welfare check at a liquor store, racetrack, or adult toy store. Furthermore, I do not accept welfare as I am filthy rich.
You won't find a room in my basement where I store hundreds upon hundreds of dolls.
I strongly opposed the installation of bacon vending machines in our schools.
I have never put a saddle on a dog and forced a baby to ride that dog for the enjoyment of depraved Japanese businessmen.
I have never tied a constituent's daughter to train tracks and laughed diabolically as a train approached. If I ever did, you could bet your bottom dollar that I would have a damn good reason.
I have never tried to kidnap children for purposes of starting my own personal youth army.
I never have and never will utilize bees and wasps as a means of breaking up rival campaign rallies.
Not once in my extensive career have I ever purchased an industrial freezer and filled it full of live cats and snakes for my own perverse amusement.
Ask any prostitute in this town if I ever tried to murder them. They will tell you, "No, he was a gentleman." They can't say the same about my opponent.
You will never find blood on my hands. If you do, it is because I shook my opponent's bloody hands out of gentlemanly courtesy.
The facts are as clear as day. The writing is on the wall. Never before has there been such a need for change. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that change. Please elect me as your noble mayor and I promise that I will do my best to protect you from the horrors of my opponent.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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An ongoing list of reasons why you should vote for me and not my cowardly, lecherous, corpse-robbing opponent who never washes his hands.