This article is part of the Unlike My Opponent series.
Unless you live in a cave, you probably already know that America has been taken over by some kind of Arab spaceman with diabolical plans to give poor people health care. Naturally, this has put quite the proverbial Africanized killer bee in the bonnet of the far right. Not a day goes by that we don't hear some talk of sinister death panels waterboarding grandma, plans to augment illegal immigrants with cybernetic implants, and a complete and total socialist overthrow of the American government.
Many believe that pouring tons of money into a bloated, corrupt system that routinely screws over millions of Americans is working perfectly fine. After all, charging lots for health care is a sacred tradition, dating back to Biblical days when Jesus would charge tons of money for healing the lame and resurrecting the dead.
Well, I'm here to tell you there's another way to get things done. Forget about the republicans and the democrats. If you elect me President of these United States, I will enact real change. For unlike my opponent...
I will not waste taxpayer money constructing terrifying island colonies for the sick. Instead, we will use that same money to construct terrifying island colonies for the healthy.
I value the healing properties of colloidal silver and swamp leeches.
I believe that no family should ever have to bear the expense of having grandma's severed head cryogenically frozen, nor should they have to pay for expensive consultations from cryogenic specialists.
I say "yes" to insuring persons with pre-existing conditions and "hell naw" to fatties.
My plan will include most animals except geese, cats, and small dogs.
My plan does not cover extreme body modifications, which my opponent calls "wicked" and "100% mandatory for all teenage girls."
I believe that no one should be able to come between you and your pharmacist to tell you that you can't pay for your prescription with an advertisement tattooed on your belly.
My plan will not cover illegal aliens. Instead, it will train them to be doctors so that they can cover us.
I believe in preventative medicine, such as maintaining the delicate balance of the four humours through regular bloodletting.
My public option will not subsidize the prostitution of golems made of discarded embryos.
I will put a stop to America's organ trading black market instead of using it as a personal buffet.
My death panels will be properly trained to handle any situation, not just executing grandma and grandpa.
Out of respect for the terminally ill, I will not televise death panel executions except in cases of extreme sickness.
My plan has a beautiful black cover with a picture of a human heart done in the style of those Twilight novels, which my opponent has never even read.
My plan does not cover vampires, as they are immortal and do not need health care.
My plan will reward women for giving birth to normal human babies instead of hideous insect babies engineered to fight in underground wars.
My plan lacks nasty language and colorful descriptions of female genitalia.
My plan spells the word "VAGINA" correctly all 3,425 times it's used.
I will end expensive premiums and copays for routine doctor visits. No American should ever go broke just to have a doctor blast some medicine up his or her butthole.
My plan does not cover supernatural curses. If you angered a mummy, werewolf, or dead pirate, that's your mess to deal with.
I believe the only way we're going to defeat swine flu is to think like the pig.
Let's be completely honest here: the competing plan's ultimate goal is to turn us all into dumb, immotile trees.
We will solve the problem of workers' coverage being tied to their employer with one simple solution: lose your job and you will be hanged.
I am morally opposed to stacking sick people at the base of a large volcano, just as I am morally opposed to dropping hydrogen bombs into said volcano.
My plan is intended to stand alone and does not end with a cliffhanger.
My plan will not only cover abortions, but every American woman who gets one is automatically entered in a prize drawing for a FREE MAKEOVER.
I believe that immortality can be achieved, just as soon as we figure out how to suck the youth out of our children.
My plan will finally fill a need that has long gone unfulfilled: the installation of surplus body parts.
I support time-tested medical practices such as trepanation and mummification.
My plan allows the government to negotiate prices on the emetics our seniors need.
I know the pain that not having proper health care puts on a family. During my brief metamorphosis into a cockroach, my loved ones were forced to get new jobs and care for me.
I firmly support the use of modern medical technology to save money and improve the quality of care for patients.
I promise to put an iron lung in every American household.
So, basically, you'd be an idiot not to elect me.
A special thanks goes to my friend & associate, Guapo Hussein the Street Cactus, for his invaluable contributions to this article.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
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An ongoing list of reasons why you should vote for me and not my cowardly, lecherous, corpse-robbing opponent who never washes his hands.