This article is part of the Unlike My Opponent series.
Yesterday the new healthcare bill was signed into law, and the political landscape is looking as unstable as an abandoned mine full of giant spiders. In the wake of this historic event, there is growing uncertainty as to who will ultimately prevail: Democrats or Republicans. All bets are off, and anything can happen. That means it's time to start campaigning, and HARD. Because of this, I have no choice but to abandon my duties and return to the campaign trail. For unlike my opponent..
I take "baby killer" as a compliment in the same way I take being called "ladykiller" as a compliment. So what if babies find me exceptionally charming? It's my eyes.
I have not gathered the city's children and tied them together for the express purpose of having motorcycle stuntmen jump over them
I have always opposed the excessive motorcycle stuntmen budget. I believe we could cut as many as 30 from the budget, saving taxpayer dollars for more important things, like improving our crumbling stunt ramp infrastructure.
I will not seize your land and build strip clubs on it, no matter how badly I want to or how convenient your property is to me.
I have never eaten dog meat, let alone the meat of a dog belonging to one of my constituents.
I have never attempted to divert emergency services and educational funding to finance a trip into space aboard a Russian rocket. Instead I would use those funds to start a local space program.
My appetite for blood can be satiated.
I acknowledge that the Vietnam War is long over, and do not sneak around at night setting traps at Vietnamese restaurants.
I do not spend three hours a day in a tanning bed trying to cover up the fact I am a sickly, pallid ghoul who scares children. I spend a modest 15 minutes a day tanning as part of my gym, tan, laundry (GTL) regimen.
I have never sealed live prostitutes and hobos in a barrels, let alone employed carnival strongmen to hurl these barrels off of rooftops at innocent citizens.
I believe children are the future, which is why I endorse keeping them in secure vaults until such a time that they have fully matured.
I have not flown my helicopter extremely low and at an angle so as to decapitate citizens as they exit church.
I oppose making any deals with the orc clans on the basis that orcs cannot be trusted. Need proof? Just review Clan Gorefang v. Fast Panda Catering.
I have not offered to let greedy Hollywood fatcats blow up our entire city in exchange for letting them shoot a movie here tax-free. There's simply no benefit in letting them do it free.
I keep my clothes on at all campaign functions and at all times as I believe nakedness is an unforgivable crime.
I have fought tooth and nail to keep the government from harvesting your vital organs. If they want them, they need to give you a fair deal and me a 10% finder's fee.
I don't believe in dirty politics or mudslinging. I don't fault my opponent for doing such things, because he was conceived in a filthy bog and still lurks there to this very day.
I don't believe 9/11 was an inside job. The only reason my opponent does is because he helped plan it.
I believe we are the greatest natural resource available, not as fuel or food as my opponent suggests, but as tenacious agents for change.
I voted to ban "Hug a Hog Day" after it caused the recent outbreak of swine flu that killed so many.
I fought legislation banning Team Edward members from attending public schools.
I don't travel to campaign stops in a hearse and I have never popped out of a coffin to greet my supporters.
My record on defenestrations is unbeatable. Just ask the good folks at the Guinness Book of World Record.
I have never used the Key to the City as a marital aid.
America, the choice is clear. It's time to vote your heart, however useless it may be.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
An ongoing list of reasons why you should vote for me and not my cowardly, lecherous, corpse-robbing opponent who never washes his hands.