DECLARE YOUR NAME, WARRIOR
BEHOLD THE KINGDOM OF ASGARD. I AM ODIN, RULER OF THIS PLACE.
Hey there Odin, what can I do you for?
YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED HERE BY THE VALKYRIES, PLUCKED FROM WHERE YOU HAVE FALLEN TO JOIN ME IN THE FINAL BATTLE RAGNAROK.
I saw that big golden tree over there. Looks like a lot of dead fall around the base. Prime vector for arboreal nesters. You're gonna want to clear that. Have your lawn guys take it away and they can mulch it. You see a lot of wing casings around the windows and doors?
WHAT? NO, MORTAL. YOU ARE TO JUSTIFY YOUR PRESENCE IN VALHALLA, THE GREAT HALL OF WARRIORS. WHAT FOES HAVE YOU DEFEATED?
Hm, well, I work the entire west and north side. Got about 50 regulars I spray for ants and termites. Do out calls for wasps. Fogged for bed bugs, but honestly, once you got them you might as well move out of the place and burn everything. What's your problem here? Mind if I take a look around?
DARE YOU TREAD UPON THE THRESHOLD OF WARRIORS PAST AND FUTURE?
Threshold is fine. Wood looks dry. That's good. Lot of spilling drinks, what is that, beer? Oh boy-o, let me tell you. Let that dry on the floor and you've got a cockroach feast. You just leave the windows open around here? You're gonna get nesting fliers in your rafters. Up by all those golden shields. Wasps, African killers, hornets. How long has it been like this?
ALL OF ETERNITY
Sounds about right by the look of these mud tubes. Your timber is dry but the humidity is out of control in here. You have leaking faucets or anything? Looks like mold spotting. I don't do mold, but I can give you the name of a guy I know does complete drywall tear-downs and cleans out mold, raccoon droppings, rats, whatever. Gus Rooney. We did a 48 hour full tent spraying and broke into the wall. Honeycombed to hell. Must have been two or three tons of bees. Africanized, natch. Gus came in with his guys, broke it out with sledges and hauled off these whole big sections on a bobcat. Too bad the fogger we use is toxic. Could have made a fortune on all that honey.
DO YOU THINK WE NEED TO SPRAY?
Spray, I don't know from spray. Not advised unless you're doing purely preventative. This here looks to me like you need a tent, full fog, maybe some chisel breaks on your structural. If it's chewed through we can get in there with shims, lift everything up and clean it out like barnacles. You're gonna need someone to come in to make sure everything is up to code. Maybe buttress everything. It's not as bad as it sounds.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.