Fort Grizzly (1993) - If you're willing to accept Billy Idol as a cowboy, this is actually one of the better westerns of the early 90s, and definitely one of the best longform music videos. Billy's music was in its "Cyberpunk" era at the time, which can make the rock sequences a little jarring, but if you can look past these psychedelic multimedia/virtual reality freakouts, the underlying tale of a simple rancher helping his mentally retarded uncle (David Carradine) raise a pig amid much provocation from local outlaws is quite a touching one. $5.00
Apache Moon (1985) - If you're willing to accept Julian Lennon as an Apache Indian, you're a far more charitable a critic than I. A hackneyed and quasi-racist story, redeemed only by its excellent soundtrack and longform music video sequences-- some vintage Julian here. If you only know him for Valotte, this film will show you why he surpassed his father in critical reputation as a musician, if not as an actor. $5.00
Cowboy & Cowboy - (1993) - If you picture the purest platonic form of a western starring the Barbarian Brothers, you're pretty close to the mark. The BBs are in tip-top comedic form as a pair of bumbling, bantering co-sheriffs who have to run a crooked railroad tycoon out of their town-- on a rail!-- all the while, of course, ducking the affections of a sultry pair of brothel-employed lady twins. Vintage Beebs. Rare! $12.00
Alan Garry's Pro Smokeoff (1983) - Any smoker who come of age in the 80s can probably credit their habit to Alan Garry, whose series of instructional smoking videos taught more kids to smoke than a thousand Joe Camels. Those tapes are collector's items now, since the government came down pretty hard on them in the early 90s (particularly "Alan Garry's First Drag"), but this is something even rarer still: footage from the international smoking tournament he hosted in Helsinki. Features some of the most radical stuntsmoking you'll ever witness: ear smoking, underwater smoking, smoking through an entire cat and even a guy smoking through his urethra (off screen, thank god). $18.00 - sorry to price this one high, but I hate to lose it.
Wheels of Heat (1989) - Not one of the better Santa Cruz skate videos, but it was pretty legendary when I was a kid. I think they were trying to sell more tapes by pandering to the young male crowd that watches skate videos, but as an adult the weird mix of skating and softcore porn doesn't work very well on either level. The two main highlights are Hosoi doing a Christ Air onto a naked chick on the beach and Natas Kaupas doing a 540 spin on top of a boob. $9.00
Fishing With Skeet (1997) - Skeet Ulrich doesn't really have enough good insights about fishing to make this worth watching all the way through, but it's pretty relaxing. I used to put it on while I fell asleep because the sound is so soothing: water noises, birdcalls, and Skeet telling you which lures he's using. I remember he catches a pretty big bass at one point, but not amazing or anything. $1.50
Weekend at Betty's (1991) - Really, really, really not a great idea for a porno spoof. I cannot overstate how ill-advised the premise of this film is. Not an ideal product. $2.00
Bikini Fish Hatchery (1992) - The setup seems like a bit of a reach: an entrepreneurial young woman runs a struggling trout hatchery, but she's late on the payments-- how's she going to raise ten grand in two weeks? Maybe all her bathing suit model friends can help! Would that so many innocent mix-ups in my own life result in female toplessness. Alas. $4.00
Twice as Nice (1998) - This is way, way past the Barbarian Brothers' prime. You don't even want to know what's going on in this one. It's really, really awkward to watch, and sometimes it looks like they've been crying between takes. This is for serious BarBros completists ONLY. $4.00
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.