Meteoric streams of tracers populate the cornfed steak-stink of Applebees. Pre-diabetic logoed hills shiver and shake. Flensed by bullets, they slide down kindling chairs and collapse into heaps. They release fluids in gory rivers. Screams echo from soda nook to urinal. Men in masks storm the kitchen and dispatch the cooks and wait staff with submachine guns. The assistant manager is put to death for his political sympathies. Hand grenades chase the panicked herd into the parking lot. Windows shatter and cars begin to burn. This isn't supposed to happen in Jacksonville.
19-year-old Canadian folk singer Taylor Mitchell was attacked and killed by coyotes. No rabies was found in the coyotes' butchered brains. Wildlife experts believe the coyotes mistook Taylor Mitchell for a deer. When the animals severed her jugular and tore out her hamstrings the coyotes believed they were biting a deer. When these coyotes, for the first time, tasted the hot wine of the human heart, they believed they were swallowing - gulping - the blood of a deer. We forget what it is to be consumed by something other than disease. Reduced to fuel, repurposed for something else, an unlucky few glimpse the world we forget. Thankfully death is keen to visit before the muse.
Animals trapped between worlds are becoming visible in the stockroom. They move slowly and without purpose. They do not seem to see Ron as he screams in horror. Their shimmering bodies drift through the air as if balloons catching film images from a concealed projector. Ron cannot stop shaking and sobbing. He locks the stockroom and will never open the door. When his wife asks what has happened he cannot explain himself. The police do not believe him and will not even come to see. Using gasoline, rum, and matches Ron burns down his store. It is the thing that he has worked his whole life to build and preserve. The animals are freed. For the first time in his life Ron is happy. The sirens grow closer.
Kazuhiko Koga is drawing a manga about Afghanistan invading and occupying the United States. He hates the United States. His mother was sexually assaulted by a Marine. He hopes that terrorists destroy the United States and that no one's mother will ever be attacked by a Marine. Kazuhiko Koga believes Chinese to be less human than Japanese. He hopes America bombs the Chinese with atom bombs.
Dean's Sour Cream
Cannot be eaten by most Native Americans. The white man will make everything want to be like him. The white man has tamed the savage Indian. He has trained the negro. He has eaten your body and made it his own. Enjoy Dean's Sour Cream. Created by nature. Delivered by Dean. And the 400 year hegemony of the white man. And trucks.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.