Do you think there should be a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage?
Dawn Catwand
Prayer Bus Volunteer
"Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman or, in the case of Mr. Pringles and Bongo, a mini-Pin and a Pug. Darlene said Bongo is definitely not gay and I know my Mr. Pringles."
Sgt. J.J. Pillock
U.S. Army
"They're destroying the institution of marriage. When my brother heard gays could marry he immediately got a divorce from his wife. What's next from these homos? Are they gonna want to drive? Translate Arabic?"
Rhett Racecar
MILF Hunter
"When I heard they legalized gay marriage I was really excited because that meant CNN would have a bunch of footage of hot babes kissing. Ha, I'm definitely against gay marriage after what I saw."
Brian Multitoast
Hemp Advocate
"Oh, no, definitely not. We're all just tiny atoms circling in the same cosmic body electric. Proton to proton, electron to electron, it's all good, man."
Jeineane Fizz
Marketing
"No, of course not, because the thing I want more than anything is fewer available men. "
Rudy Giuliani
Immigrant
"You just got to ask yourself: man, what would Batman do? I'm pretty sure you know, Batman would marry a gay."


What will you do if a candidate you do not support wins the election?
Dawn Catwand
Prayer Bus Volunteer
"Oh, dear, well I don't know. I suppose I'll just wait until the bus is all full of praying kids and then I'll drive the darn thing off a bridge. Ker-splash! No point living."
Sgt. J.J. Pillock
U.S. Army
"God created rooftops so you can vote from them. With a rifle. I mean 'shoot' when I say 'vote.' Hopefully the rooftop has wheelchair access."
Rhett Racecar
MILF Hunter
"Haha, ain't no thang. I'll probably sleep in and forget to vote that day anyway. You snooze, you lose, but you're well rested. Hahaha!"
Brian Multitoast
Hemp Advocate
"Man, I always expect disappointment. I've got my bags all packed and everything. The minute I hear about one of those corporatist slime balls winning I will do what I did in 2004 and not move to Canada like I swore I would."
Jeineane Fizz
Marketing
"If it's Giuliani I'll just listen to radio a lot. If It's Clinton I guess I'll start thinking about having sex with a woman. It got me out of gym class in 8th grade, it can work again."
Rudy Giuliani
Immigrant
"Guess I'll just move back to Mexico and eat dirt like all of the poor Mexican dirt-eaters. Oh, wait, I almost forgot! I can go teach at a respected university in Mexico and live in an air-conditioned five-bedroom villa."


I'll continue to try to ingratiate myself with the new principal at Whitebrook. I'm told Harry & David have a great candied fruit basket that I'm sure Mrs. Poplar will enjoy.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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