Here in the United States the presidential primary season is heating up. Starting January 3rd of 2008 American voters will be able to voice their opinion about who they think will do the best job leading our eagle-filled nation. For many voters, the primary is the only opportunity they really receive to express their political views meaningfully. Once their party has chosen a candidate they either vote with them, against them, or pick some weird third party with no relevance that wants to give dental coverage to cats or thinks children need grenade launchers.
A handful of lucky undecided voters will get one extra opportunity to speak out! These average Americans come from all walks of life and all political parties and they were all too happy to answer my questions about the upcoming primaries. The names of the participants in my survey have been changed to protect their identities.
|If you were voting in the Democratic primary tomorrow, which candidate would get your vote and why?|
Prayer Bus Volunteer
|"Governor Richardson looks like the sort of chicano that would know how to discipline a child. So many of his people just let their little babies run wild at the store. Do you know last week I saw one with no shirt or pants on, just scampering around the pickle aisle like a little monkey, naked as a jaybird. I don't think Governor Richardson would let that happen with all of his babies."|
|Sgt. J.J. Pillock|
|"You make me vote democrat I'm gonna be votin' from a rooftop, you got me? I will be voting with a bullet and the hole puncher thing will be a rifle and I will cast my ballot by shooting at the democRATS. Can you make sure the 'rats' part is all in capital letters so it properly conveys my contempt?"|
|"Hillary Clinton, no doubt, bro. It is high time for the bitches to hit the switches. Although...I am totally energized by Chris Dodd."|
|"I have been really impressed with Mike Gravel's performance in the last couple of debates."|
|"Welllllll, I talked to Kennedy and she said she is voting for Obama because he is for peace or something, so are Shannon and Kelsy, but because he has great abs. Megan is voting for Edwards, but Rianna met him on a flight to San Diego and said he smelled like that chalky stuff that is on rubber bands, so I am going to go with Obama. Woooo!"|
|"I think Dennis Kucinich has some really great ideas on plowing the bones out of that redhead wife of his. I don't know if I'd vote for him, but I'd give him a high five."|
|If you were voting in the Republican primary tomorrow, which candidate would get your vote and why?|
Prayer Bus Volunteer
|"Sheesh, I don't know. Do any of them have a blog site I can download to find out about their stance on Lombardo County Mini-Pin Rescue?"|
|Sgt. J.J. Pillock|
|"Uh, hello, Rudolph Giuliani. He protected New York City from the terrorists on 9/11 and he's like the anti-terrorist version of Sean Connery in the Untouchables. The Iraqi people put me in a wheelchair, so now he'll put one of them in a torture prison."|
|"I am totally for Ron Paul's plan to let me cook my own meth and shoot guns. I also hate fiat currency. When he is president I am going to put a machine gun on a frigging speedboat and totally be like a pirate and be high 24/7 on everything."|
|"Ask yourself this, man: would any of them stop a cop who was brutalizing you with tasers just for exercising your first amendment rights at a fund raising dinner? The answer is no. And none of them care about hemp, either."|
|"Mitt Romney, definitely. I like Mike Huckabee an awful lot, but then I read on TMZ that he used to be fat and that is so gross I want to die."|
|"John McCain seems to want to seize my assets, round me up and dump me and my family in Mexico the least, so I guess I would vote for him."|
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
If you still have any difficulty transitioning to chip readers, please refer to the FAQ compiled from average user reactions.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.