This article is part of the The Blue Stripe Logs series.
Hologram doctor is friendly, but can he cure what ails your grrgkak?This human ship is so vexing to my sensibilities. It is too bright and humorless, I feel like I am going to get my prurgnuk probed by a doctor with a very cold finger.
That reminds me, they thought I might be injured so I when I arrived earlier I was made a greeting of by their ship's doctor. Get this, it is a hologram!
Ha! Yes, I need CPR it is okay, just pantomime it and maybe you will make my hearts think they are being resuscitated. No, don't bother getting that artery clip I will get up and get it for you doctor ghost.
Ha ha! These humans are already very amusing at least, although I did discover later that I was wrong about their hologram doctor and he was able to shake my hand. Perhaps they were just messing with old Xorgus' brain lobes.
Captain Aneway and her dark friend Tuvok, who is not human, were also present for the introducement upon my arrival. They are both even uglier in person, but as I said not so ugly as many other species I have had dealings with. They did not appear to want to shoot weapons at me either, which is always a plus. We will see if this situation remains the same by the time I am departing in a hurried fashion.
After the greeting was completed I was shown to a chamber I might use for my sleeping purposes. It was far too cold and sterile for my liking, but I was able to adjust the temperature and humidity nearly enough to make it feel like Fancy Specter. There is even a porcelain bed which I can partially fill with water for my sleeping times. However the litter box seems very inappropriate and lacks the cedar chips I prefer to mask the scent of my ablutations.
This half robot thing was always slinking around and leaning against things. I do not know what was wrong with it.I am now going about the task of sorting my trunk of transient trappings to determine which might glitter and shine to the eye of a beast such as the humans. The humans will not need any genuine reproduction Maldorian beard and mustachio combs so I set my fine grandfather-of-pearl barber's case aside. They likely will not desire my mark-7 Srivani body cloak without its battery cells and with a malfunctioning shoak conduit. It is very handsome simply as a garment but these humans seem to enjoy their boring uniforms.
As a scion of the proud tradition of Wullshik quackery I have little doubt these humans will esteem my medicinal wares. Their dry skins veritudinally ache for the application of Otis X. Wullshik's Curious Balm and none can resist my own formulae of tincture, calmative, peptic, bromide, palliative, or cure-all. These always constituent a brisk business, yet to keep them moving I must lower the price to unreasonable levels. If I wish to find myself in the position of a truly enviable lump sum I must devise just the perfect item to offer these humans.
Ah! I lift away a satchel full of Kazon hair shirts and beneath it I find something that just might entice these gullible humans.
The old tiger repellent stone. One of my personal favorites.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.