War In Iraq: An Exclusive Report From the Frontlines!

The highway protesting squad depicted in this authentic realistic simulation.

The War in Iraq... no matter where you live, you cannot escape it. Although the brave men and masculine women of the United States and Britishalvania have been engaging the Iraqis for days now, the world's population cannot escape footage and news reports from the front line. Well, most of the world at least; I assume North Korea has been helpfully televising around-the-clock footage of three filth-encrusted sock puppets praising their government's various political decisions in front of a radioactive North Korean flag. Barring North Korea and random other ninth-world countries whose names resemble rare tropical diseases, Iraqi war news permeates every form of media throughout the world at this point in time. As I drove down the I-5 yesterday, I witnessed three idiots leaping around the highway overpass waving what I assume were anti-war protest signs. I experienced slight difficulty in determining their precise purpose due to the following facts:

1) The highway overpass is located roughly 500 million feet (12,487 hectotomic milliamps) above the road. If one of the protesters were to accidentally fall off the bridge during a fit of pure anti-warism, they would hit the ground roughly two weeks later.
2) The protestors, exhibiting what could either be a lack of foresight or perhaps brain activity rivaling many kitchen appliances, decided it would be in their best interest to purchase poster board signs the size of a credit card. While the dust particle people from the city of Microville might've been able to read their signs, any normal human being lacking those diamond dealers' nuclear magnifying glass tools undoubtedly experienced failure when attempting to decipher their exciting political statements.
3) Out of the two words "NO WAR," at least one was misspelled.
4) The protestors were leaping around as if somebody had poured molten rubber into their pants. Although I would've personally volunteered to provide such a service, I doubt the rubber in their pants was in a liquid form at the time of protest.
5) All cars passing below them were traveling at standard Washington speed, roughly the same velocity as a Patriot missile, only lacking the precision guidance. Wait, now that I think about it, I believe a police officer had pulled somebody over near the overpass, a riced-out vehicle that undoubtedly broke some law prohibiting cars from resembling seven-year old children's crayon drawings with significantly more yellow.

With all these crucial elements combined, one can easily understand how the protestors' voices could be drowned out in such a raging river of white trash pickup trucks and moving vans full of stolen merchandise. Regardless, it still serves to illustrate my main point: the war with Iraq reaches nearly every nook and cranny of the world. For scientific purposes, I attempted to hide beneath a cubic ton of RCA cables in my closet last night, just to see if I could escape Iraqi war news updates. My cats soon broke in and began speaking about US General Tommy Franks in less than 18 seconds. For scientific purposes, I must also admit I had been drinking heavily before conducting this scientific experiment, but that's what us scientists simply refer to as "cumulonimbus data."

An enemy Kraken launches an anti-American assault.

The unfortunate aspect of our nonstop, round-the-clock Iraqi news coverage revolves around the fact that we, the people not attempting to shoot Iraqis, do not really get much "news." Sure we're fed noise which the major advertising networks label as "news" 24 hours a day, but how much of this information can truly be classified as "news"? Reporters, under strict military control, may only describe events and occurrences which will not put US troops at risk. Things that fall into this category include "mentioning Iraq in any sentence" and "talking about anything which does not occur within the borders of Idaho." For all we know, an entire squadron of US soldiers may have been eaten by the Kraken while smoking dope on the USS King Tut. Of course we will not read about this event until it surfaces on an A&E special 20 years from now, so until then we must survive on a meager diet of propaganda and selective information.

Now we here at Something Awful don't have a lot of money. Hell, we don't have any goddamn money, and the limited cash we do receive travels directly to the government's bank account so they can hire people to issue me parking tickets. All of the cash we make through SA Forum accounts and donations goes to pay for bandwidth, and this bandwidth goes to people who complain to me that certain Photoshop Phriday entries contain historically inaccurate representations of various dead presidents. I'm fine with this inherently flawed and collapsing business model as long as I can afford to keep open at least one SA email account to collect all the "LOWEST MORTGAGE RATES EVER" and "FREE XXX CHICKS BEING HIT WITH A DONKEY PENIS PHOTOS" emails that flow in each nanosecond. While all the major news outlets such as CNN, Fox, and Bonzi Buddy can actually pay reporters to fly into Iraq and accompany US soldiers equipped with flamethrowers and those way cool skiing goggles which turn enemy soldiers into Kermit the Frogs, we simply don't have the resources to pull off such a feat. However, we do have a lot of SA Forum members enlisted in the armed services, people who agreed to travel across the globe into a highly foreign country so they could begin shooting bullets at non-American people in an attempt to make them less alive than the current government status requires.

Before these brave troops flew or sailed or drove to Iraq (I'm not exactly sure what location on my globe Iraq occupies or how the fuck anybody would actually get there), I had the opportunity to give Private John "-=Ez_Killa=-" Trevell a handheld PDA and a wad of authentic forged 100 dollar bills. I told him, "John, we need somebody like you to provide us with the real scoop behind this hostage crisis in Iran." John's brother then corrected me by explaining the lack of any hostage crisis or war with Iran, and I politely told him to shut the hell up or else I'd give his parents a copy of the post he made concerning his fetish for urinating in his sister's panties and then wrapping them around a Wile E. Coyote plush figurine. Private Trevell agreed to provide us with an exciting, exclusive, unique series of updates from the front lines by writing them down in his mobile Livejournal program, physically mailing us the PDA, and then waiting for us to mail it back to him because he stored all his important military orders in it under a database file named "topsecretdontreadplz.txt." To be honest, I never really got around to sending him his PDA back, on account that I've been busy staring at all the boxes in my bedroom and attempting to move them simply by using telekinesis and possibly my hands. The important point here is that we've got the big news scoop and we're the first site to actually bring you a report from a US soldier on the front lines. Without further ado, allow me to present the Livejournal of Private John "-=Ez_Killa=-"! Actually, let me add some ado first, just to be terribly inefficient and lose readers. The capital of Canada is Manitoba and this highly racist province produces 97% of the Earth's blutonium supply, the raw material used to power steam engines and Greg Kite. Okay, that's enough ado.

Tuesday, March 4 - 11:38 AM

sup, asl sup? this is my frist update on my LJ so give me some time LOL : P my name is -=Ez_Killa=- and u might kno my name from {Clan ODB} before we broke up. then we were _:-Clan NsN-:_ before R3D-3Y3 quit playing Counter Strike and deleted our webpage when his mom caught him downloading the video of the dog and the manicurist. Then we went to Clan SyK0 to Clan TTYL to Clan WYSIWYG and then Clan Railgunnaz. anyway, I decided to join the Amry a month ago becuz I was so pissed after 9/11. Just like they said, I never forgot and then I wuz watching "a Tribute to 9/11" and when they reinacted the peopel jumping off the WTC by throwing clay mummy dolls from the window, I started to cry and think "why cant we live in piece? y do we have to fight and y cant we all just get along?" then there was a comerical for the US Amry and it showed an eagle and three d00ds in a tank and since I got fired from cleaning the pool tables at Dave & Busters the other week I said "y not?" so I enlisted. okay the first thing about the US Amry that u'll learn si that they make you wake up REAL FUKIN EARLY to do shit. HEY GOVERNMINT, WHY DIDNT U PUT THAT IN UR DAMN COMMERCIALS? MAYBE I OUTTA TALK TO RALPH RADAR ABOUT SUEING UR ASS FOR FALSE ADVERTISMENT!!!! i thought I would be driveing a tank or Humvee but instead I gotta carry all this shit on my back and a rifle I mean WTF a rifle??? I thought they stopped using rifles in the Cival War. I wanted Dessert Eagles but the guy said "no" and I said "y not" and then he made me clean the mud room again. WTF/ anyway Ive been training for a while and we havent been doing nething relly but running and practiceing and stuff and Im getting better at shooting, i can now hit the ground if I aim up high enuff. the sargent, SARGENT MILLER is a real asshole and keeps yelling at me to aim at the targets and I say "WTF" and hes like "FU" and then he makes me clean the mud room again. the amry sux if ur like me and u just want to serve your country by never forgeting 9/11. anywayz Sargent Miller saids we're goin off to Iraq in a few days to do something (I dont remember, i was tired) and whatever, I got to call my mom and asked her to send me my radiohead and tool CDs but they said she couldnt so I was like WTF, the boat were gonna be on has a CD player right??? and then they made me clean the mud room again. Current mood: sleepy Current WinAmp song: 50 Cent - "High All the Time"

Saturday, March 15 - 9:31 PM

some faggo in a helicopter stole my shit, wtf ok, were in iraq now. NO wait, we're in Kuwait. Kuwait is a town between Iraq and the Person Gulf. now let me tell you whats in Kuwait: SAND AND LOTS OF IT. there is sand evrywhere and the country is full of Egyptians. we cant wander off the barracks which f'n sucks becauase I wanted to see if they had a Tower Records in town so I could get that slipknot CD. wtf. we had to run these drills in the range outdors today, I got sand in my hair and tryed to brush it out and I tripped and fell down and six doods behind me fell down over me and then fucken sargent miller started screamin at me so I was like "WTF???" and he threatened to kick my ass into the Person Gulf if I didnt ship up so I said "okay sir" and when he turned around I called him a "stupid butt" and he didnt hear me, LOL!!!! I had to throw those fragmentatian grenades today, so I said "more like FAGMENTATION GRENADES!!!" and then Sargent Miller heard me and that guy he always talks to, Captain First Sargent ASSFACE heard me too and then they made me run circles around the camp for like a billion hours. I fell down when I wuz running and like six guyz behind me fell down too and I laughed when I stoped rolling down the hill and my head was on a rock. ahahahaa!!! I heard prez Gorge Bush Jr said were probly gonna have 2 attack Iraq which is fine by me because that King Iraq guy, Saddam Hussaine, wuz the d00d Paypalling Osama Ben Lauden all the money to buy the planes that blew up the WTC on 9/11 (never forget). so once we go to Iraq Im gonna pop a cap in his ass and say "this is for FREEDOM mutha facko" and do that dive where the guy jumps across and shoots him with the guns sidewayz. Like in that Jet Lee movie about The Matrix. all the people who live hear are egyptians and dress werid, but its okay, I know I should acept there strange Mormon culture. the women here wear all this cloth and carry thigns, there was this woman named Nabisco or sumthin. I want 2 ask her out but I dont know what 2 say!!! I was never good with women or talking too girls so I dont know how 2 break teh ice or what 2 say or nething. I wrote this poem for her: Oh sweet Nabisco "Beat beat beat" you make my heart go but we r seperated 2 woralds apart But u still have my heart I love you do u love me 2? I am a lovur, I don't want to attack But the US Amry makes me fight in Iran. if I wuz back in Georgia then I wouldve turned this into a song and my emo band "Black Torn Edge" wouldve played this song at the Cracker Barrel on Saturday night. I gotta get to sleep or else theyll make me clean the dirt room./ Current mood: angry Current WinAmp song: no WinAmp song available

Sunday, March 23 - 8:48 PM

lol, it was dave's birthdayt, lol yayayay today I saw sum actian!!! that fag Sargant Miller said we had to employ cover for a mobil armored something, which was his fancy talk for "tanks" or something so he had me run along teh tank and then Id drop down and ppl would yell at me but I would be liek WTF BECAUSE I COULDNT HEAR THEM AT ALL!!!!! I HAD SAND IN MY PANTS AND ONE OF MY SHELLS FLEW INTO MY PANTS TOO AND I STILL CANT F'N FIND IT!!!! I sat in the sand and fired at sum wall for like a million hours while they shot at something and i said wtf si going on but nobody answered me. I ran out of bullets so then I jsut layed there until somebody told me to leave and then I went home. sumbody said taht we might face resistance but I didant see any Iraqi biplanes with potato cannons or whatever they have here, like volcanos or soem kind of shit. if I did see that then I wouldve gotten on teh AA guns and shot Sadam to hell and back even tho they never let me use them, I saw it in Pearl Harbor and I can do that shit. I didnt see Nabisco today I hope she didn't leave teh city just becuase somebody raped her or something. u should treat females w/ respect and wtf guys who are mean 2 girls are assholes. also raceism is bad too. I thought of another poem when I was out by the tank when it was shelling taht village: Oh dear Nabisco Your tears flow like crisco My deep and acheing heart Is bigger than the bigger Super Wal-Mart I love you so very very very very much that leaving u will be very very very very tough there was more of teh poem but I forgot it becasue all I can remember right now is "BWWOOOOM" that the tank made before shit started blowing up. I'm gonna write one more update on next Saturday so I can send Lotwax this PDA so he can use it on Something Aweful and thatd be kewl. I dont know how im gonna send it tho, they dont let us send any mail out so I dont know wtf to do. the only way they send ur shit is if you get killed in combat and then they send everything back. OH WELL, i guess I'll think of something next saturday. Im gonna see if I can sneak out and see Nabisco tonight, I'll let you kno how it goes!!!!!! l8r Current mood: cool Current WinAmp song: no WinAmp song available

At this point, we lost all correspondance with Private John "-=Ez_Killa=-" Trevell, and simply received our PDA in the mail with a faint stamp reading "EVIDENCE" across it. Fortunately for us, the stamp washed off after liberally applying a concentration of saliva and something more disgusting than saliva to our thumb and obsessively rubbing it for approximately nine hours. We're sure that -=Ez_Killa=- will show up in time, or at least most of him will, and we have absolutely nothing to worry about. After all, we frequently played on the same clan server as he, so we know firsthand what he's capable of, and he frequently aluded to some "super secret move where he jumps across and shoots his guns sideways." I can hardly wait!

Golminer 49'er!

It's Tuesday, so you know what that means... FREE COLON EXAMS WITH EVERY PURCHASE OF $15 OR MORE!!! Oh wait, no, that's not really what it is at all. By jove, it's the goddamn Comedy Goldmine just waiting for you to click on its supple breasts! Today's topic is entitled "Misunderstood Computer Terms" and is aimed at the geek inside all of us. Well, not me personally, but mostly you.

Horrible puns, obscure computer terminology, shoddy Photoshops... we got it all here, so click away you horrible monster!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)