This article is part of the The Blue Stripe Logs series.

The Crafty Ork


Grim-Lathe Furnimek

Eazyboy

Inscrutable and Indefatigable, the green-skinned orks of the 41st millennium represent a nearly omnipresent threat to mankind. They are the barbarians at the gates of humanity. Their vast numbers and their physical robustness make them fearsome adversaries. Their primitive technology would not seem to work by any known science, yet despite (or perhaps because of) the crude construction their weapons and machines function. They supplement their supplies by looting and modifying vehicles and equipment from the stores of their enemies.

On one unnamed world controlled by the orks the legendary warboss Ugg Zug-Ugguth is preparing to unleash another Waaagh on nearby human space. While the Stormboyz drill and the Mekboyz build war machines other orks are taking part in the upcoming invasion in their own way.

One such ork is Grim-Lathe Furnimek, one of the most accomplished and “hard” of the Eazyboyz. This clan-within-a-clan consists of unskilled woodworkers hammering randomly at planks and looted furniture trying to create the next bedroom set for one of the bosses. We met with Grim-Lathe at his workshop in a canyon littered with the wreckage of partially constructed furniture.

Blue Stripe: You consider yourself the “hardest” of the Eazyboyz. What does it take to make you the hardest?

Grim-Lathe Furnimek: Ya clomp da most nails in da most chairs an make da biggest tabul an da biggest lamp. Ya paint awl da chairs red an cova dim in da 'ardest bits. Meeb’m da bestest cause meeb put da most nails in mi chairs. Neva fall apart.

BS: Walk me through one of your projects.

GF: If meeb make a chair fer da boss meeb godda git da biggest chair wif da most parts. 'Ammer more parts onto dat an use lotsa nails. Den meeb put da 'ard bits on an sum rokkits. Make a side tabul ter go along wif dat outa more bits an glue.

BS: Do you just make furniture.

GF: No way! Meeb make evreefin' da boss needs. Meeb make slidz an pillows wif da most dakka. Meeb love birds so meeb make birdhousz wif da uumie bits. Meeb make da shootiest birdhousz. No wun makz shootia birdhousz.

BS: What is your greatest accomplishment? One of the birdhouses?

GF: Meeb made da fastest an da shootiest birdhousz. Meeb made da biggest birdhousz. Meeb tink mi bestest though iz da terraryum meeb made fer Boss Glamglitz’s sqwig. Used da windshields from da uumie tanks. 'Ammered in sum nails an put sum shootaz on da siidz. Put a burna on da top an a big side door werr ee cud put stikkbombz if it got too mad.

BS: Did he appreciate that?

GF: Ee said it was da bestest ee ebur saw an den ee put 'is pet sqwig inside an it killed it.

BS: Uh-oh.

GF: Yeah. Boss was mad. Den meeb showed boss awl da wheels on da boddom. Meeb put loike nuin o' dim on dat wun. It was da fastest terraryum anybody ebur built. Fastest an da shootiest.

BS: Did he ever use it?

GF: Ee drove it da next baddle! Ee killed lotsa panziez in dat terraryum. Den it got broke by a panziez shooty beam. Boss was dead, but da nyoo boss iz gonna git an eben bedda terraryum. More dakka an more ‘ard partz.

BS: I’m sure the new boss will be pleased.

GF: Yeah, onlee sumtimes ee ask fer stuff meeb don’t know ow ter makes. Sumtimes meeb tink ter myself maybe meeb du nub ab da abilitiss o' da job. Meeb wonda if old Grim-Lathe be in ober iz 'ed. Did meeb oversell mi abilitiss ter da boss? Meeb always try ter be realistic, but meeb loike ter challenge myself. Sumtimes meeb tink meeb challenge myself too much.

BS: You’re overreaching?

GF: No! Reach iz gud. Armz is gud. There iz lotsa gud Eazyboyz an they awl wan ter make da bestest chair. Da baddest birdhouse. It iz always a struggle. Jus' wunce meeb wuud loike ter be abul ter wurk ona birdhouse wivvout worryin' wona theyz younga grotz iz lookin' ober mi shoulda.

BS: Competition can hone your abilities though.

GF: Ya don’t godda tell meeb dat uumie. It’s wot orks iz awl ubbout. Meeb’m almost nuin years ole though an meeb jus' wonda if meeb adn’t put alla mi life inta mi wurk wot meeb might ab done. This job iz awl meeb ab nows. Wen meeb retire iz there goin' ter be a rock fer meeb ter spore behind? Will meeb ab da financiul security meeb ab urned? Meeb jus' don’t know, uumie. Maybe weeb kan neva rilly know until dat time comz in yer livz.

Special thanks to Discount Bees for the 40,000-themed artwork!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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