This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.

**Welcome to the Ares Station Update Service. This appears to be your first visit to an information kiosk. Please read each update in full.

**This kiosk is designed to keep you up-to-date on the latest developments pertinent to residents of the DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station, the premiere living and research colony on Mars. As a new resident of Ares Station, you are no doubt aware of past problems. DynaMars Corporation assures you that Ares Station is now 110% safe. However, it is still critical to keep up with the latest Ares Station news and events via information kiosks such as this one.

*** 05-15-2301 - New Entry

The DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce the grand reopening of Ares Station, the premiere Martian living and research colony! DynaMars is fully aware of Ares Station's checkered past, and is pleased to announce that the reopening is in full compliance with newly updated Interstellar Occupational Safety and Health Administration regulations, as well as with the DynaMars Corporation's strict commitment to excellence.

The newly restored Ares Station features completely tamper-proof support systems with multiple layers of redundant failsafe systems to ensure life and living continues unabated. All mission critical support personnel have undergone rigorous background checks, psychological aptitude tests, and extensive training. Many former Ares Station employees were quick to sign up for new contracts, and we insisted that each returning employee renew their existing space station management certifications. All non-critical support personnel have attended mandatory training seminars and demonstrate the utmost competence. In short, Ares Station is one of the safest places in outer space to live and work.

We are pleased to announce that DynaMars Corporation's partnership with the Hercules-Transmag-Bovine Corporation has resulted in an extensive new shopping complex and multi-screen cinema, located in the brand new Area 10. This partnership includes an exclusive contract to screen new movies to Ares Station residents before they are distributed to Earth and other outlying colonies!

Ares Station will also be maintaining its scientific edge, with a brand new Quantum Labs research facility and science team. Quantum Labs is poised to embark on an unprecedented journey through the world of the unknown, pioneering 24th century cures for wheat-related allergies.

*** 05-22-2301 - New Entry

Cheers to all personnel for a successful week of problem free operation!

In honor of a job well done, you are all casually invited to screen the new Fox-Sonymount romantic comedy movie "The Creature From Earth" and offer your own valuable feedback to the producers. Afterwards, DynaMars Corporation, in partnership with the Vox-Tomaculum Corporation, is pleased to provide every station resident with a free voucher for a hamburger at the newly opened Olympus Monster Burger, located in the Area 10 Shopping Center Food Court, Junction 8A, across from the Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Station C Entrance Corridor A.

Do not miss the screening, scheduled for 1900 on 05-23 in Area 10 Cineplex Theatre 7!

*** 05-24-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation has received some discouraging comments from Fox-Sonymount in regards to the free screening of "The Creature From Earth." Aside from low attendance, many residents did not complete or fully complete feedback forms. Some residents went so far as to write sarcastic and derogatory comments. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that feedback forms are not anonymous, and that you are accountable to Fox-Sonymount if your suggestions are implemented and fail to meet audience expectations.

*** 05-26-2301 - New Entry

We have received scattered reports that pies are being stolen from the Area 3 Dining Hall. DynaMars Corporately was regrettably unaware that the Area 3 Dining Center was still in service. It has been shut down and the space is being leased to the Phobos Lifestyle Solutions Corporation. They have already expressed interest in opening a full service nail salon. From now on, all meals must be purchased from the Area 10 Shopping Center Food Court.

*** 06-01-2301 - New Entry

Several residents have claimed sightings of "zombies" in the Area 10 Shopping Center. Although previous residents of Ares Stations did have minor difficulties related to zombie mismanagement, all life was extinguished prior to the latest Ares Station Reclamation Project. Nothing from the previous Ares Station mission survived. In short, DynaMars Corporation assures residents that there are no zombies on Ares Station.

The Area 10 Shopping Center is completely safe. Furthermore, it is vital that all residents contribute to the Ares Station economy by shopping regularly.

*** 06-03-2301 - New Entry

You are invited to attend a community focus group addressing the lack of interest in the Area 10 Shopping Center. This focus group will be held at 1500 on 06-04 in the Area 4 Conference Hall. DynaMars Corporation is in negations with the Hercules-Transmag-Bovine Corporation to provide complementary beverages to all attendees.

*** 06-05-2301 - New Entry

Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams wishes to remind residents that focus group attendance is important to the community. Because everyone who showed up refused to address the problems and instead chose to bicker about alleged paranormal happenings, a new meeting will be held 1500 on 06-08 in the Area 4 Conference Hall. Focus group participation is now mandatory.

*** 06-09-2301 - New Entry

Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams is grateful all residents showed up for the scheduled focus group, however he was again disappointed by the lack of interest in supporting the waning Ares Station economy. Because of this, Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams has had to make some difficult decisions.

Due to the fact people seem to be avoiding the Area 10 Shopping Center for purely trivial and irrational reasons; DynaMars Corporation is forced to take drastic actions to protect not just the Ares Station economy, but also DynaMars Corporation's partnerships. All washrooms will be shut down, save for Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Stations A, B, and C. The auxiliary Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Station D will be brought online on a provisional basis to help accommodate the need.

Chief Sanitation Engineer Kirchner is anticipating heavy loads on Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Stations, and DynaMars Corporation is allocating all the resources he needs to maintain healthy flow.

*** 06-10-2301 - New Entry

In a shocking turn of events, former Chief Security Officer Davies has been found alive, hiding in the Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Station D. Officer Davies has been missing since 08-24-2295, when it was presumed he suffered a severe psychological breakdown and ran out one of the airlocks. As to how he survived for over five years on Ares Station, Quantum Labs is now trying to find an answer.

Please disregard Officer Davies' ominous and imaginative forecasts of certain doom. Though his past on Ares Station was mostly exemplary, we have to remember that he is not in a sound mental state and therefore has no idea what the future holds.

*** 06-13-2301 - New Entry

In compliance with new anti-smoking laws, Ares Station is now a smoke free facility. This means that the Area 7 Smoking Lounge is closed. The space has been leased to Takasukanaki Industries for future development. Current plans call for the construction of a T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery. In spite of the ban on smoking, we remind all residents that the Area 10 Shopping Center Marlboro Mart remains open for business. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that a healthy Ares Station economy is critical to long-term survival.

Chief Security Officer Parsons has been instructed to apprehend anyone violating the smoking ban and institute a mandatory 24-hour lockup in the Area 3 Brig, across from the Daycare Center.

Although T.T. Fiddlesticks is a "family eatery," this is not to be construed as an endorsement of family living on Ares Station. Relationships between personnel are strictly prohibited, as are children.

*** 06-14-2301 - New Entry

Upon reviewing space station regulations, DynaMars Corporation has come to the conclusion that the Area 3 Daycare Center is in severe violation of interstellar laws. It is to be shut down immediately, and the 33 children enrolled there are to be transferred to the Area 3 Brig until a transport ship can retrieve them. The space is now being leased to the Milky Way Amalgam Tranplanetary Banking Corporation.

A transport ship is scheduled to arrive on 06-25 to extract the children.

We apologize for this gross oversight of rules. If you mistakenly brought your child along, DynaMars Corporation would like to make it up to you. Please redeem your child for a Free Salted Pretzel Voucher, to be honored at participating Area 10 Shopping Center Food Court Pretzel Galaxy eateries.

*** 06-15-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation wishes to congratulate Quantum Labs for completing preliminary research into the causes of wheat related allergies. They have isolated the cause of these allergies - wheat - and are working on ways to render wheat harmless to everyone. Not all men are created equal, but DynaMars Corporation believes equality can be achieved through responsible science.

In addition they have found that Officer Davies survived on a strict diet of meat left over from the last Ares Station experience. He is also believed to have been responsible for the recent pie stealing. DynaMars Corporation has chosen not to prosecute him for the theft. Although he has been through a lot, DynaMars Corporation feels he is more than deserving of employment, and he has been assigned to work for Chief Security Officer Parsons.

*** 06-18-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the friends and family of the 21 crewmembers Officer Davies violently murdered yesterday evening. We felt Officer Davies did not demonstrate adequate cognitive capacity to fire a weapon in his mental state, and therefore believed it to be perfectly safe assigning him to active security detail. This was an oversight. Those suffering from emotional trauma are invited to the Area 8 Spiritual Needs Facility on 06-24 at 1200, where Free Meal Vouchers will be distributed, redeemable at the forthcoming T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery.

Davies has been reassigned to the Area 8 Communications Center, where he will not be able to hurt anyone.

*** 06-23-2301 - New Entry

Communication Officer Davies has been reassigned to the Area 3 Electron Catalyst Dephazer Control Center after using the intercoms to deliver dire warnings of doom. Although Communication Officer Davies was speaking through DynaMars Corporation equipment, he was not speaking on behalf of DynaMars Corporation. DynaMars Corporation assures all residents of Ares Station that everything is fine. There is nothing to worry about.

Excessive strain on Area 8 Sewage Corridor A10 has caused heavy flooding, which spilled into the neighboring Area 8 Spiritual Needs Facility. Because of this, the services scheduled for 06-24 will now be taking place in the Area 5 Recreation Center. Free Meal Vouchers will still be distributed at the Area 8 Spiritual Needs Facility, however.

Chief Sanitation Engineer Kirchner has advised us to close the Area 10 Washrooms. We are opening the Area 3 Washrooms as a result. However, in order to use the Area 3 Washrooms, you will need a Washroom Voucher from the Area 10 Shopping Center Washroom Voucher Distribution Kiosk. While there, be sure to do some shopping!

*** 06-25-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind residents that writing graffiti on Ares Station walls is strictly prohibited. Anyone caught vandalizing the station will be severely fined. We wish to especially remind residents that writing graffiti in your own blood is unhygienic and quite mad. Please be reasonable.

The transport ship is now docked and is accessible via the Area 7 Ventilation Control Tower Docking Umbilicus A2. All 33 children will be departing at 1900. If you are not scheduled to work at that time, you are invited to say goodbye to them.

*** 06-26-2301 - New Entry

Tragedy struck when the transport ship carrying the 33 children of Ares Station crashed in the Hellas Planitia crater. There were no survivors. If your child was among the dead, we regret to inform you that your Free Pretzel Voucher is no longer valid. DynaMars Corporation is deeply saddened by this tragedy, but reminds all personnel that life goes on.

The graffiti vandalism spree has continued, making it necessary for DynaMars Corporation to give Chief Security Officer Parsons carte blanche on finding and punishing the culprits. Already Chief Sanitation Engineer Kirchner has had to divert time away from restroom maintenance to removing graffiti. Writing "Mittens Lives" on the walls in blood is incredibly childish. We are all adults here on Ares Station, especially since all the children that were here died yesterday. There is simply no excuse for this behavior.

*** 06-28-2301 - New Entry

We are receiving several complaints from Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen that some residents have been using the airlock doors to crush soda cans. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind residents that those airlock doors are all that stands in the way of certain death. Anyone caught crushing soda cans or any other item in the airlock doors will be punished severely.

*** 07-02-2301 - New Entry

Chief Intercom Engineer Jones wishes to let people know that:

The harrowing moans of a cursed and hell-defiant creature are echoing with supernatural hate through the intercom system. Please ignore the noise. This creature likely thrives on attention.

DynaMars Corporation disagrees with Chief Intercom Engineer Jones' assessment of the problem, as it is likely the work of the can-crushing pranksters. This is not the work of Electron Catalyst Dephazer Technician Davies, as his clearance does not allow him to access Intercom Control Systems.

*** 07-03-2301 - New Entry

Intercom systems have been taken offline due to unexplained technical phenomenon. Chief Intercom Engineer Jones has brought backup intercom systems online as a result. In partnership with Solchannel Omnimedia, the new intercom system will be playing Top 10 Hits 24 hours a day.

Many Ares Station residents have expressed concerns that yesterday's intercom problems are more signs of impending doom. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all Ares Station residents that technical glitches are common, but hardly a concern. Life on Mars is not without its challenges, but it has been made safe through incredible science and austere discipline. We encourage all residents to maintain a healthy attitude towards the bright future.

*** 07-04-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation and Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams wish to remind residents that vandalizing Ares Station is a crime. We have received widespread reports that residents are damaging and dismantling intercoms, thereby illegally impeding transmission of Solchannel Omnimedia's Top 10 Hits. This behavior is absolutely inexcusable! Chief Security Officer Parsons is on full alert and making regular patrols. Criminals will be punished severely.

*** 07-07-2301 - New Entry

Area 8 is now completely off limits due to a malfunctioning airlock door. It appears that someone tried to crush one of the TI-8200 Mainframes in the airlock door, causing severe damage to both the computer and the airlock. Chief Engineer Bowen has been unable to fix the airlock due to allergy-related illnesses.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind residents that maintaining stable operations means Quantum Labs can work full force in defeating wheat-related allergies. If it is indeed a reaction to wheat that is causing Chief Engineer Bowen's sickness, then we must make haste in reining in the power of wheat. Mankind's destiny should be left to mankind, not to wheat.

This situation is incredibly grim due to the fact that it is no longer safe to work in the Area 8 Sewage Corridors and Sanitation Processing Centers. The Area 8 Communications Center is also inaccessible. A temporary Communications Center has been set up in the Area 1 Cargo Bay, but as you well know, the acoustics in there are terrible.

As a precaution, we have shut down all washrooms station wide. To compensate, we have set up makeshift restroom facilities in the caves beneath Area 7 Engineering Control. Although Chief Engineer Paskiewicz will tell you not to go in there, he has no authority over your bowels. DynaMars Corporation asks that you merely clean up after yourselves so as not to make a mess for the Area 5 Geology Department working down there.

*** 07-09-2301 - New Entry

Due to the toxicity of the environment, Area 7 Engineering Control has been temporarily moved to the Area 3 Electron Catalyst Dephazer Control Room and the Area 3 Electron Catalyst Dephazer Technicians will temporarily be operating out of the Area 2 Atmospheric Processing Emergency Command Center. The caves beneath Area 7 Engineering Control are now off limits, as they simply were not designed to support the sanitation needs of an entire Martian outpost.

DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the Area 5 Geology Department for unintentionally hindering their work in the caves.

Chief Sanitation Engineer Kirchner and Chief Engineer Paskiewicz worked together in fixing the Area 8 Airlock. We are temporarily bringing all Ares Station washrooms online to catch up on lost time.

The Area 8 Communications Center is now back online.

*** 07-14-2301 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce some truly amazing news! The Area 5 Geology Department has found some ancient tablets belonging to an intelligent civilization in the caves beneath Area 7 Engineering Control. Although they appear to have received heavy damage from the recent washroom crisis, they have been turned over the Area 5 Archeology Department for in-depth analysis. Scientists from Quantum Labs are already speculating that this long dead race may have succumbed to wheat-borne illnesses, bringing a sense of renewed urgency to their work.

Please check back for frequent updates on this amazing new discovery!

** End of updates. Thank you for using DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station Update Service!

Dirt Dirt Darrrrhhh


There are brand new Daily Dirt write-ups from Senor Livestock and Senorita David Thrope. They can be accessed by barking like a dog and clicking here and/or here!

– DynaMars Corporation Information Kiosk (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.