This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
**Welcome to the Ares Station Update Service. This appears to be your second visit to an information kiosk. Previous updates are available in archived format!
*** Previous Updates: 05-15-2301 - 07-14-2301.
Archives for the following dates are available:
**This kiosk is designed to keep you up-to-date on the latest developments pertinent to residents of the DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station, the premiere living and research colony on Mars. As a new resident of Ares Station, you are no doubt aware of past problems. DynaMars Corporation assures you that Ares Station is now 110% safe. However, it is still critical to keep up with the latest Ares Station news and events via information kiosks such as this one.
Please read each update in full.
*** 07-15-2301 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the residents of Ares Station, as well as to the scientific community and all mankind for announcing that ancient alien tablets had been found on Mars. This was a hasty decision on our part, and we regrettably acted without proper verification. The ancient tablets discovered beneath the Area 7 caves were actually menu placards from T.T. Fiddlesticks that had been misplaced. Because of the high level of corrosion caused by the washroom crisis, they mistakenly looked like ancient alien tablets. However, the words "Aloha Sundance Chicken" were a dead giveaway and our experts should have caught them sooner.
Once again, DynaMars Corporation deeply regrets this mistake.
*** 07-17-2301 - New Entry
We have reassigned the personnel of both the Area 5 Geology and the Area 5 Archeology Departments to select Area 10 Shopping Center Pretzel Galaxy eateries.
DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce that the T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery is now open for business in Area 7, where the Area 7 Smoking Lounge used to be. Stop on by and enjoy the festive family atmosphere!
Fox-Sonymount Entertainment is pleased to bring a newly retooled edit of "The Creature From Earth," now re-titled as "Ninja Diaries: Go Kart Go!" in the Area 10 Cineplex Theatre 5. The ticket price will automatically be deducted from all Ares Station residents' salaries, so you've already bought your seat to this exciting motion picture!
Do not miss the screening, scheduled for 1900 on 07-25!
*** 07-18-2301 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation has received disturbing reports that residents have been disappearing after entering the Area 7 T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery. We have asked Chief Security Officer Parsons to investigate these complaints at once.
Today is a day of tragic news, as the remains of Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams have been recovered in the Area 8 Airlock. Pranksters apparently crushed him to death. Funeral services will be held in the Area 8 Spiritual Needs Center, which was just cleaned up and reopened after the sewage leak. Services are scheduled for 0600 on 07-20. DynaMars Corporation is appointing Chief Intercom Engineer Jones to Ares Station Interim Commanding Officer.
A forensics team has discovered fresh soda residue, as well as aluminum scrapings, indicating that cans are still being crushed in the airlocks. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that vandalism of airlock doors puts everyone at risk. Let us not forget the airlock crisis we had last week.
*** 07-19-2301 - New Entry
Chief Security Officer Parsons has reported that the crew he sent in to investigate the Area 7 T.T. Fiddlesticks have disappeared and stopped responding to radio. Because of this serious problem, we are temporarily asking all residents to boycott T.T. Fiddlesticks while we investigate the matter more thoroughly. Quantum Labs has suggested that the crewmembers may have died of complications related to wheat allergies while dining in T.T. Fiddlesticks, but that remains to be seen.
DynaMars Corporation is demoting to Ares Station Interim Commanding Officer Jones back down to Chief Intercom Engineer after he was caught crushing soda cans in the Area 4 Airlock. We are currently investigating whether he is the same prankster who murdered Ares Station Commanding Officer Adams. His pay has been duly docked, but we are pleased that this situation has resolved itself for the most part.
We have recalled formed Ares Station Commanding Officer Kyanka back to take over fulltime management. Kyanka is a seasoned veteran of the great Bear Wars of 2293. In the meantime the new Ares Station Interim Commanding Officer will be Chief Pipe Engineer Dunn, who previously made sure all the pipes in Ares Station were properly connected to something.
Exciting news, residents! Quantum Labs has reached a breakthrough in the ongoing war with wheat allergies. They have completed construction of a prototype "superloaf," a remarkable new form of bread. This superloaf, codenamed Species 134-B, has been placed in Security Locker 427, with the password 227.
Quantum Labs Chief Science Officer Tucker believes this new superloaf will revolutionize sandwiches, if not the known universe. In a speech held in the Area 5 Press Conference Center, Chief Science Officer Tucker stated the following:DynaMars Corporation shares Chief Science Officer Tucker's enthusiasm and view of a better world!
For generations wheat allergies have silently divided mankind into the haves and the have-nots. Today we can all have bread and fear not the stings of wheat, regardless of what allergies may rest inside us. This superloaf is the great equalizer in a war that has turned man against man, man against himself, and man against bread. The superloaf also inadvertently proves string theory, making it a reality instead of a theory.
*** 07-21-2301 - New Entry
While attempting to get to the bottom of the T.T. Fiddlesticks crisis, DynaMars Corporation has learned that Takasukanaki Industries, the apparent owner of the T.T. Fiddlesticks franchise, went bankrupt over a century ago. As of right now we have no idea who owns T.T. Fiddlesticks or who financed its construction on Mars. We also have no idea who constructed the Area 7 establishment either. We are ordering the facility to be quarantined and will begin negotiating sale of the space to interested parties.
We have opened a company wide investigation as to how we somehow leased valuable space to an outside contractor that has been out of business for years. DynaMars Corporation is very frustrated and asks for patience in resolving this situation responsibly.
All totaled, 48 crewmembers disappeared inside the T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery, never to be heard from again. A security detail has been placed on guard until the restaurant can be properly deconstructed. Those of you with Free Meal Vouchers are advised not to try to use them.
This loss of life has placed a tremendous strain on Ares Station, and so DynaMars Corporation is increasing shifts by two to three hours. Please check your schedule so as not to miss any hours.
Quantum Labs was unable to determine based on available evidence if the victims of the T.T. Fiddlesticks massacre succumbed to wheat allergies.
Memorial services will be held on 07-25 at 1700 in the Area 7 Spiritual Needs Center. Immediately afterwards, all residents are required in the Area 10 Shopping Center Cineplex for a previously scheduled showing of "Ninja Diaries: Go Kart Go!"
*** 07-22-2301 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation has received word that the superloaf has been stolen from Security Locker 427. Chief Security Officer Parsons has been instructed to recover the specimen at all costs. If you have any knowledge of the whereabouts of the superloaf or who stole it, please come forward immediately. DynaMars Corporation is offering a value-packed coupon book to all support crew.
*** 07-23-2301 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation is disappointed to announce that Solchannel Omnimedia has terminated its contract with Ares Station due to lackluster sales of music in the Area 10 Shopping Center Music Universe. Intercoms will be playing loud, blistering static until a new partner can be found to provide audio content for the station.
*** 07-25-2301 - New Entry
Security personnel have recovered the superloaf, although it has been badly damaged. The superloaf has what appear to be the bite marks of a hippopotamus
Already this situation has been blown out of proportion. Chief Sanitation Engineer Kirchner has had to remove seven different instances of blood graffiti, all spelling out the name "Mittens."
DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that the "Professor Mittens" story is just an urban myth concocted by stressed out workers stricken with space dementia.
*** 07-26-2301 - New Entry
Once again DynaMars Corporation has been placed in the embarrassing position of having to apologize to a corporate partner. In spite of the direct order and the automatic ticket purchase, nobody showed up for the screening of "Ninja Diaries: Go Kart Go!" Because of this egregious behavior, we have no choice but to declare martial law on Ares Station. No personnel are to leave their quarters except for when reporting to duty. Violators will spend a mandatory 72-hour cycle in Ares Station Outland Power Station, located three miles outside the base.
DynaMars Corporation is currently investigating the complaints of a strange odor coming from the air vents. Quantum Labs has determined it to be a particularly voracious variety of "onion blossom pheromone." Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen is currently on assignment crawling through air ducts looking for the source.
*** 07-28-2301 - New Entry
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen has found a T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery seemingly growing out of the upper echelons of the Area 6 Ventilation Control Tower. DynaMars Corporation has no idea how it was constructed, and certainly did not authorize it. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all Ares Station residents that T.T. Fiddlesticks is an unauthorized incursion and is currently being boycotted.
*** 07-29-2301 - New Entry
Ares Station Residents have spotted T.T. Fiddlesticks franchises in the Area 1 Cargo Bay and the Area 2 Atmospheric Processing Center. Scanners indicate that the Area 2 Atmo Processors are now pumping the onion blossom pheromone into the Martian atmosphere as well as the station. Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen is working on bringing backup systems online, while Chief Pipe Engineer Dunn works to make sure all pipes are properly routed to something.
We are currently assigning all non-essential personnel to the removal of these unwanted franchise restaurants. This situation is unacceptable.
*** 07-30-2301 - New Entry
The entire Area 10 Shopping Center and Cineplex is now one giant T.T. Fiddlesticks eatery. We have shut down all life support to this section of Ares Station as a result. Do not attempt to enter the Area 10 Shopping Center and Cineplex! It appears some 61 personnel are forever lost to this scourge.
*** 08-01-2301 - New Entry
Exciting news! On his way to the Interstellar Cup Hockey Championships on Europa, hockey great Leaf Elgar will be stopping by Ares Station! Leaf will be on hand all day on 08-03 in the Area 5 Recreation Center to sign autographs and discuss his big match, Canada versus the Moon.
*** 08-03-2301 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the friends and family of the 13 crewmembers killed by Leaf Elgar. We had no idea he was suffering from severe space dementia, or that giving him a slice of the superloaf would imbue him with supernatural strength, which he used to chop people to pieces with his famous game winning hockey stick. We also apologize to Canada for having to shoot their goalie. We wish them the best in their upcoming match against the Moon.
Quantum Labs has suspended all production on the superloaf. They are heading back to drawing board in the name of ethical science.
All of Area 3 has been shut down after Electron Catalyst Dephazer Technician Davies used the ECD to set fire to the Area 3 Disco Hall. The laserization process also spilt into the former Area 3 Dining Hall (currently leased to the Phobos Lifestyle Solutions Corporation) and Area 3 Daycare Center (currently leased to the Milky Way Amalgam Tranplanetary Banking Corporation). DynaMars Corporation is deeply troubled by the attacks on not just the station, but on important corporate partnerships vital to the survival of the Ares Station economy.
There has been little progress and destroying any of the T.T. Fiddlesticks franchises. In spite of efforts, new T.T. Fiddlesticks family eateries have been discovered in the Area 8 Sewage Corridors. The Area 8 Spiritual Needs Facility has been shut down, and all essential control systems are temporarily being relocated to the Area 5 Recreation Center. Recreational activities are henceforth suspended.
This situation could soon cause problems for sewage processing station wide. DynaMars Corporation is committed to resolving it quickly and efficiently.
*** 08-04-2301 - New Entry
Ares Station Commanding Officer Kyanka has arrived and firmly established his hold on the base. DynaMars Corporation is pleased to have the station back under the control of an experienced leader. Ares Station Commanding Officer Kyanka has already announced the following edict:DynaMars Corporation offers its full support of Ares Station Commanding Officer Kyanka's grand plan to bring the station back under control.
Anybody caught attempting to construct a franchise restaurant will be shot dead.
*** 08-05-2301 - New Entry
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen has reported sighting a tiny hippopotamus in Vent Corridor D4A in the Area 6 Ventilation Control Tower. As a result Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen was unable to finish putting up necessary barriers to prevent the spread of the onion blossom pheromone. While DynaMars Corporation understands Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen's fears; we wish to remind him that the situation is grave and therefore no kind of environment for paranoia and flights of fancy.
As a precaution, we have taken Officer Bowen off duty and assigned him to the Area 4 Mental Ward. We have put air ducts under the jurisdiction of Chief Pipe Engineer Dunn on a provisional basis. He will ensure they are all properly sealed or routed to something.
*** 08-06-2301 - New Entry
Chief Archeology Officer Knisley, the sole surviving member of the former Area 5 Archeology Department and Area 10 Shopping Complex Food Court Pretzel Galaxy franchise, believes that the menu placards were in fact alien tablets after all, and that T.T. Fiddlesticks is an alien entity trying very hard to terraform Mars and Ares Station. He is working feverishly to devise a means of communicating with the T.T. Fiddlesticks franchise.
Ares Station is experiencing minor technical difficulties in that all of Area 8 has disappeared inside of a large, pulsating vortex. Chief Engineer Paskiewicz believes that the vortex was caused by the same culprits responsible for the theft of the superloaf. Storage Locker 427 was also holding a transdimensional vortex contained in a FlexFit hat, which went missing as well. DynaMars Corporation regrettably did not take proper inventory of all storage lockers. Due to these problems please avoid Area 8 at all costs.
Ares Station Commanding Officer Kyanka hopes the transdimensional vortex currently eating Area 8 will soon cancel out the T.T. Fiddlesticks entity, but we do not share his optimism.
As a result, all washrooms are now offline. There is a backup washroom in the Ares Station Outland Power Station that you are invited to use, provided you have proper authorization to leave your quarters or work duty from Ares Station Chief Commanding Officer Kyanka.
*** 08-07-2301 - New Entry
Chief Archeology Officer Knisley has mysteriously disappeared, along with all hope of communicating with the T.T. Fiddlesticks entity. Life support to Ares Station will once again be terminated due to gross incompetence and out-of-control technical difficulties. All Ares Station equipment and structures will be liquidated and sold to the highest bidder.
At the very least, there are some answers. Chief Security Parsons caught Electron Catalyst Dephazer Technician Davies attempting to construct a T.T. Fiddlesticks in the former Area 5 Geology Department with the aid of an army of zombies. Unfortunately he was eaten while radioing in that message. As he was being devoured the distinct sounds of a hippopotamus roar could be heard in the background.
It is not known whether the army of zombies Officer Parsons made reference to were the crewmen that disappeared inside T.T. Fiddlesticks eateries, or if they were the zombies from the last Ares Station crew. Regrettably, DynaMars Corporation only made sure there was nothing living before declaring Ares Station threat free. We failed to check for the undead.
DynaMars Corporation now regrets mistakenly committing Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen, especially since the Area 5 Mental Ward was not evacuated in time.
All other personnel in Area 5 quickly relocated to Emergency Area 0.
Rescue ships will be dispatched in 10-15 days to pick up remaining crewmembers.
** End of updates. Thank you for using DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station Update Service!
Lard, lard, lard, lard. Daily Dirt is here behind the lard!
This is not my jury summons!
Can you figure out which clickbait headlines are a gross parody of journalism itself, and which are fake?
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.