Thank you for expressing your interest in becoming a citizen of the United States of America. We are looking forward to your individual and important contribution to our great Republic. Before you begin filling out your Application for Citizenship (Form 13342.43A see attached) you should be aware of some recent changes in our citizenship process.
US voter law now requires that before becoming a US Citizen you must determine your US Political affiliation. There are two choices of political affiliation that will be explained fully in the My Two Dads: Voting in America booklet, which has been provided with your citizenship packet.
For purposes of brevity the two choices will be known hereafter as Red (Republican) and Blue (Democrat). Now you will answer a series of self-assessment questions to determine which party you prefer. Answer each question by circling either Paul Reiser's head or Greg Evigan's head. If you do not speak English, then please just circle whichever head you find more sexually electrifying, or ask a citizenship advisor to assist you by speaking English loudly and slowly. Please answer each question honestly; there is no right or wrong answer.
1. I support massive Federal spendingYes (Red)2. I like the government to raise taxes on the people to cover massive spending.
Yes (Blue)Yes (Blue)3. I like the government to use imaginary fantasy money to cover massive spending.
No (Red)Yes (Red)4. Christ is Lord and you had better believe it.
No (Blue)Yes (Red)5. Christ is Lord, but hey, whatever guy.
No (Blue)Yes (Blue)6. I support the troops, until they stop shooting and start complaining.
No (Red)Yes (Red)7. I support the troops, because it would look bad if I didn't.
No (Blue)Yes (Blue)8. The jury is still out on this "evolution" business
No (Red)Yes (Red)9. The jury is still out on this "capitalism" business
No (Blue)Yes (Blue)10. I get all of my opinions from film celebrities.
No (Red)Yes (Blue)11. I get all of my opinions from radio celebrities.
No (Red)Yes (Red)12. "Liberal" is a dirty word, it's "Commie", you pinko.
No (Blue)Yes (Red)13. "Black" is a dirty word, it's "African-American", you racist.
No (Blue)Yes (Blue)14. Which statement most closely approximates your views on the war in Iraq?
No (Red)"Oh my God, the terrorists might kill us at any minute, invading this random country was the only way to be safe!" (Red)15. Complete this statement: "Political protestors should…"
"Oh my God, our Commander in Thief is making the troops torture Iraqi babies until they bleed oil for Halliburton!" (Blue)…be congratulated for their incredible bravery. (Blue)16. Complete this statement: "France is…"
…move to Canadia if they don't like it here. (Red)…a utopian center of world culture and philosophy. (Blue)17. Could you forget about Poland?
…now known as "Freedom". (Red)Yes (Blue)18. Could you forget about Dre?
No (Red)Yes (Red)19. Which statement most closely approximates your views on Social Security?
No (Blue)"We should bankrupt it as quickly as possible by shoveling money into re-election pork and interest groups." (Red)20. Why are you applying for citizenship in the United States?
"We should put our heads between our knees and pray because it'll take a miracle to save this shit." (Blue)I want to be rich (Red)21. No, really, why are you applying for citizenship in the United States?
I want to be free (Blue)To live off of handouts and spit out dozens of welfare babies so that I can lazily work a minimum wage job. (Blue)
I'm a terrorist (Red)
After you have finished answering the questions, tally your number of Red responses and your number of Blue responses. If you have more Red than Blue then you are a Republican. If you have more Blue than Red then you are a Democrat. Be sure to double check your answers as both you and your children will be committed to voting for your chosen party in perpetuity. Be warned, if you are or plan on becoming a firefighter, policeman, soldier, cripple, lesbian, or ethnic minority, you can be asked at a moment's notice to appear next to a smiling old white man for publicity purposes. Please ensure your teeth are clean and straight for this reason.
You're almost there! You're almost a citizen. Now all you need to do is answer the following fundamental citizenship questions and then wait 3-6 months while the Immigration and Naturalization Service reviews your application. These 12 questions have been selected to reflect core values of US citizens. They are questions that every legitimate American should know the answer to.
1. __(blank)__ be to rap, what key be to lock.A. Digable Planets2. What do the stars on the flag of the United States of America represent?
B. Chief Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist
C. The AH-64 Apache
D. FranceA. The number of pounds overweight the average American is3. Who won the Second World War?
B. The number of gallons of fuel stored in a Ford Excursion
C. The number of States of the Union excluding territorial holdings and Canada
D. The number of planets in our solar systemA. The United Kingdom4. Why would an alien invasion of earth fail?
B. The Soviet Union
D. The United StatesA. The Second Amendment to the US Constitution.5. Why are so many US doctors originally from India?
B. Jeff Goldblum would upload a computer virus into the alien mother ship.
C. Alien immune systems would be fatally susceptible to freedom.
D. Alien cruisers not built Ford-tough.A. Indian healing factor makes physicians redundant.6. Which of the following was not invented in the United States by a genius?
B. All turtles are reincarnated as doctors in India.
C. Indians learned difficult lessons about the human body during the Trail of Tears.
D. High-tech American Internet Universities offer all of the great education abroad with half of the accreditation.A. Television7. What does the FBI do?
B. The Sports Car
D. NazismA. Straight set-trippin8. What does the acronym N.A.S.A. stand for?
B. Control the sale of dildos in Texas under U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.
C. Play the role of antagonist in TV's "The Sopranos"
D. Work closely with the ATF to take the fun out of AmericaA. Need Another Seven Astronauts9. Who is the current president of the United States?
B. Need Another Six Astronauts
C. Need Another Seventy Astronauts
D. Nuclear Astro Space AcademyA. Albert X. Gore10. Which branch of the Federal Government is a front for the Trilateral Commission?
B. George W. Bush
C. George H.W. Bush
D. George H.A.W. H.A.W. BushA. The CIA11. Why did the United States intervene in Vietnam?
B. The NSA
C. The TGIF
D. The PLZ RSVP ASAP THXA. To get at Vietnam's massive oil reserves12. Who is currently America's Sweetheart?
B. Vietnamese hookers willing to provide better dollar value than US hookers
C. To prevent Ho Chi Minh from developing weapons of mass destruction
D. Domino, motherfucker!A. Meg Ryan
B. Condoleeza Rice
C. Lindsay Lohan
D. Tom Selleck
Hooray! All that remains between you and the total freedom enjoyed by a US citizen is a quick 3-6 month citizenship application review process. Please note that if your nation of origin is any of the 129 listed in our Why You Aren't Welcome Here booklet, then please allow 20-30 years for a full Homeland Security review. In the mean time please enjoy the gratis photograph of the Statue of Liberty included with your citizenship packet for ironic purposes.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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