Something Awful has been blessed with the honor of hosting my new web site and you, my loving fans, have been blessed with my rapier wit and timely sense of humor for at least a day. Hello, for those of you who have been living under rocks since the Timelab program launched allow me to introduce myself to you. My name is Daring Armstrong and I am a hero of time and space. Every week or so I must hurtle my body through the quantum continuum accompanied by my portly mentor Professor Chronos. It's a tough job, but no one else could do it!

To kick things off and bring to you the exciting launch of my web site I have created a comic detailing the first mission I went on through the incredible Time Portal. I traveled all the way back to 32 AD to save some Jesus guy from being killed or whatever. It was quite an adventure and you can bet this retelling of it is heavy on the action and light on the plot. I wrote it myself to be that way!

In addition to this comic, which would be enough on its own to wow you for weeks, I've also had our intern here at the Time Lab go through my collection of photos and info and put together a web site so that the fans can keep up on the goings-on at the Time Lab.



What is a hero without a sidekick? Well, I'm pretty much the same only I say "this time it's personal" a lot less. During the days when the Sidekicks Co-op program was running I had a total of three unbelievably cute helpers. There was what's-his-name the huge-eyed Mexican kid that I don't think even spoke English. He got run over by a tank when we traveled back to World War I, or maybe it was World War II. Either way this tank just came out of nowhere and squashed him like a little Mexican bug. Then I yelled "this time it's personal you stupid Krauts!" and I opened the hatch of the tank and it was just like "burratatatatat" and I nailed everyone inside. I think the Mexican kid would have been proud that he helped me in his very tiny way by sacrificing his life like that.

Ladies, if you're single, please don't hesitate to e-mail me and we'll see if you're hot enough to come visit me in between pulse-pounding escapades through time itself!

– Daring "American Hero" Armstrong

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.