What critics are saying as they press their wobbly newborn heads through the shells of their rectangular wooden eggs and squint up at the complex's halogen lights:
"Life-affirming and mesmerizing!" - Leonard Maltin
"Unforgettable! A classic!" - Anthony Lane, The New Yorker
What critics are saying about being picked up by a human hand, their fur and gender roughly inspected before they are dropped into sorting chutes:
"What a spectacle.... a can't-miss joyride!" - Christopher Orr, The Atlantic
"An emotional rollercoaster that will have you at the edge of your seat!" - Wesley Morris, Grantland
What critics are saying about landing in a tray packed with other acceptable specimens, finding themselves surrounded by something resembling family for the first time, yet overcome by their first pangs of insignificance in the crowded mass:
"Bittersweet... a triumph!" - Steven Rea, Philadelphia Enquirer
"A gripping, vivid exploration of some seriously heavy themes!" - Joy Tipping, Dallas Morning News
What critics are saying about the droplets of food paste that are extruded from overhanging nibs as the tray continues to glide through a white ceramic tunnel:
"A senses-shattering display of craftsmanship!" - Katie Rife, AV Club
"Substantial and deeply satisfying... everything an audience could possibly want!" - Richard Corliss, TIME Magazine
What critics are saying as they are held in stasis by glittery blue beams of light while mechanical hands nimbly cover their bodies with tiny business-casual outfits as if they are itty bitty college professors:
"A dazzling tour-de-force!" - Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune
"Stunning! You won't believe your eyes!" - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
What critics are saying as the blue beams intensify, burning the fur off their exposed skin, moments before puffs of sterile air deposit miniature human-like wigs onto their heads:
"Gut-wrenching... powerful!" - Claudia Puig, USA Today
"Jam-packed with twists that defy expectations!" - A.O. Scott, New York Times
What critics are saying about the floor of their tray dropping out from under them, whisking them through individual tubes that carry them far away from their newfound family:
"You've never seen or felt anything quite like it!" - Sheri Linden, Hollywood Reporter
"In a word... wow!" - Justin Chang, Variety
What critics are saying as their tube deposits them behind a tiny desk, where they turn to see a miniature bookshelf behind them, then face forward and blink at a comparatively huge camera lens inches away from their face:
"Mysterious... haunting... a chilling tale for the ages!" - Peter Howell, Toronto Star
"Pulse-pounding suspense!" - Meredith Goldstein, Boston Globe
What critics are saying when the camera's light glows and a booming voice asks if 50 Shades of Grey is smutty sleaze... or a date movie that will please?:
"Mesmerizing!" - Christy Lemire
"Stunning... must be seen to be believed!" - Rex Reed, New York Observer
What critics are saying as the voice responds with forced laughter and an insincere thanks, the camera light goes out, and they glance down at the faint outline of a trap door beneath their clawed feet:
"Spellbinding!" - James Berardinelli, Reelviews
"Astoundingly intense!" - Ben Kendrick, ScreenRant
What critics are saying when silent minutes turn to hours, and the hunger for more food paste is only exceeded by a desperate hunger to see that light blink back to life:
"A simmering thriller!" - Elizabeth Weitzman, New York Daily News
"Jaw dropping... it'll blow your mind!" - Rafer Guzman, Newsday
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.