Rawr!Some of you may have heard the news about a certain Mr. Dennis Smith who wants to transform himself into a tiger. He has already gone quite a ways towards his goal, filing his teeth into hideous fangs, covering his body with orange and black stripe tattoos, having plastic whiskers installed in his face, and wearing green contact lenses. The guy keeps a regular job, apparently at Lax Dress Code Incorporated, and plans to drop another 150 grand or so on having tiger pelts surgically attached to his body. That's right folks, he's basically a furry who is heavily into body modification and looking like a creepy moron. I have a lot of difficulty imagining how this guy maintains a job let alone function even semi-normally in society. What self-inflicted hell must he experience at, say, the grocery store?
Tiger Man: Do you goodly folks have any milk?
Shopple Mart Employee: OH JESUS FUCK!! (running into storage and locking himself in the bathroom)
Tiger Man: (after using cat-like senses to stalk another employee) I have been looking for the milk for near on an hour now good sir, yet I am unable to find it, might you direct me to it?
Shopple Mart Employee #2: Oh my! Uhhh…shit…over there I think.
Tiger Man: I am a tiger.
Shopple Mart Employee #2: SECURITY!
Tiger Man: (advancing) Raaaarrrrr! (eating the face of employee)
It all seemed so shockingly stupid to me until I realized that not only is it shockingly stupid, but it provides an excellent opportunity to solve the funding problem here at SA. By offering "enhancement packages" to furry and body modification enthusiasts, I think R-Lo and I might just be able to turn the situation into a definite "win-win"! For the second time in as many weeks, I invite our furry fans to read on and the rest of SA's fans to kindly go jump up a rope.
The Puma Package
This package is very similar to the custom work that Tiger Man is having performed on himself, with a lot less pain in your wallet area! SA is bringing the savings to you and at the low price of only $75,000 (US), it's hard to go wrong with the Puma Package. The Puma Package includes a tooth-sharpening procedure performed by a slightly drunk manicurist, a one way ticket to luxurious Puma pleasure thanks to the SA wiggery, and predatory cat legs and arms courtesy of our helpful multiple baseball bat fracture technicians. Sign up now and receive real Puma pheremones to help you attract that head-biting/back-clawing mate you so desire.
The Donkey PackageYou won't lose all your friends after the package has been applied, you'll just be asked by nomads to carry things more frequently.One of our cheapest offerings, the Donkey Package is available for a mere $40,000 (US). The procedure is fairly simple and is unique in that it requires two people to complete. The first will be the "head" of the donkey and will wear a donkey head on their upper body. The second person will the "tail" of the donkey and will be forced to hunch forward behind the first person, placing his or her hand firmly on their hips. Using cutting-edge hot-glue technology a coat of "synthetic donkey pelt" - also known as a "gray blanket" in technical terminology - will be applied to both subjects. Donkey rides can be fun for the whole family!
The Bovine Package
Have you always wanted to be a cow? Well if the internet is any indicator, you aren't alone, and we here at SA can help make your dreams come true. Just shell out the $60,000 (US) required for this "surgery", and we'll take care of the rest. You will be given a general anesthetic and when you wake up it will be to your new and improved cow body. We achieve this amazing transformation by sewing two sides of beef to you, one to your front and one to your back. Special holes will be cut in these sides of beef for what we in the medical profession like to call "poop" and "pee".
The Human Bat Package
Many people dream of flying, soaring through the clouds without the constraining necessity of a mechanical aircraft to assist them. With the Human Bat Package you will be flitting from tree to tree in no time at all. Just drink 10 of our "magical" iron-rich milkshakes (shakes do not contain milk, shakes contain 20% water and 80% iron filings) and hop aboard the "StateOg Human Bat Magnetic Accelerator Fun Lift". If our horribly amateur physics calculations are correct you should go from roughly zero to 500mph in less than a second. This is assuming the lump of iron in your belly doesn't tear through your soon-to-be-spasming corpse at nearly the speed of sound. A steal at only $50,000 (US).
If you don't see the life-changing furry alteration package that your heart desires, then just drop me a line and I'm sure we can improvise something. Horse conversions are forbidden by law and we don't work with horses anyway; they are not to be trusted.
Speaking of Cats...
Flash superstar Dante Passera has provided Something Awful and you fine people sitting at home or work with a new installment of his cartoon cat. Kitty's Country Holiday is rated "M" for Mature.
In this amazing episode Kitty decides to take a vacation into the country. There Kitty encounters Fatty, who is about to enjoy a most inappropriate repast. Intrigued? You should be, so for god's sake watch it!
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.