Wildlife FAQ: The Homeless
The Homeless Person is a figure of legend, but as much as we talk about the homeless their origins, behavior, and habits are still shrouded in mystery to the layperson. Many people have emailed me asking about the homeless so I felt they were an appropriate choice for the first ever Something Awful Wildlife FAQ.
What is a Homeless Person?
A homeless person is similar to a great ape. It occupies a strange niche on the evolutionary ladder between mankind and powerful jungle apes like the Silverback Gorilla. Unlike many of its cousins, the homeless person is thriving in the urban sprawl created by humanity. If anything, they seem to prefer it over rural habitats.Do not approach a homeless person unprepared!What do Homeless People Eat?
Homeless people are omnivores and as such their diets vary greatly. Some homeless people in the Great Plains region subsist on nothing but alfalfa and road kill. In urban areas homeless people tend to have more eclectic diets and consume everything from discarded hamburgers to stray cats to broken bottles. There are unsubstantiated reports of one homeless person eating another, although it is uncertain if homeless people kill each other for food or are simply willing to scavenge another homeless person's remains.
Are Homeless People Dangerous?
Very! Homeless people, much like turtles, are carriers of a number of strains of bacteria that can be fatal to humans. Be sure to wash your hands immediately after you handle a homeless person. Some homeless people are also very aggressive and unpredictable. Remember that the homeless person is a wild animal, and no matter how domesticated or friendly it seems, its instincts can be dangerous. If you ever hear a homeless person making noises like "What's the frequency?!" or "God, I done told you to shut up!" you should immediately distance yourself. These are signs that the homeless person is in heat and may attempt to bite you or worse.
Are Homeless People Social Animals?
Some are and some are not. Most of the less dangerous homeless people tend to congregate in man-made shelters designed to keep them from inconveniencing people who own Hummer 2s. Other homeless people are less sociable and use shopping carts or wagons to carry a variety of seemingly useless objects that the homeless person picked up. Usually these objects are worthless, but occasionally these solitary homeless people will have dangerous tools like improvised clubs or axes inside their shopping cart. Stay away from these homeless people at all costs, especially if they seem to be docile or sleeping. If you approach their possessions while they are sleeping they will leap up with terrifying speed, shrieking and spraying venom from their mouths.
Can Homeless People Be Kept as Pets?
Some rare homeless people can be domesticated for labor purposes and the government has had limited success with breeding programs to bring out desirable traits. However, this work is in its infancy, and homeless people are generally too wild to attempt to domesticate them as house pets. Even if you train them to suppress their aggressive behavior they will still revert to other unfortunate habits like grooming themselves with their saliva, masturbating to crude drawings they make in the dirt, and taking shiny objects that strike their fancy.This is how experts believe a homeless person lays its eggs.How Do Homeless People Reproduce?
Many believe that homeless people lay eggs much like frogs, secreting a mucus sac containing thousands of eggs against a bridge pylon or inside a drainage culvert. While there are vague distinctions between male and female homeless people, experts seem to think that these are mostly cosmetic and both sexes are capable of fertilization and egg laying. The reason young homeless people are rarely seen is that they tend to hide in caves and sewers until they burrow up through the ground for breeding and feeding purposes. Until then they subsist on the protein-rich remains of their egg sac and any plants and insects they can find.
Can Humans Mate With Homeless People?
God, that's disgusting! How can you even suggest something like that? We're talking about animals here. Can humans mate with horses? I suppose so, but do you really think a centaur or some sort of horse headed baby is going to be the result? Of course not, jail and torture at the hands of the Holy Inquisition are the only possible outcomes of such an unholy union.
Can Homeless People Fly?
Only the Queen and a handful of royal guards can fly. The ability to fly seems to be linked to how much royal jelly a homeless person ingests during their youth and young-adult periods. You will rarely see this happen in urban areas because the government employs teams called "Jelly Patrols" that scrub out any deposits of royal jelly found near homeless shelters or in dumpsters. In rural areas it's possible that you may encounter flying homeless people, but in these areas any colonies tend to be very small and usually confined to beat up Volkswagen vans that they have learned to crudely operate and maintain. These nomadic groups can easily be mistaken for hippies (FAQ coming soon).
Why Do Some Homeless People Look so Much Like Humans?
This is part of their micro-evolved camouflage. It has developed due to their proximity to mankind in urban areas. Homeless people that can pass as a human, even for a short period of silence, are the greatest threat facing us today. Researchers are working feverishly on genetic differences in these homeless people that will allow them to be sprayed for without endangering humans, apes, or even normal homeless people.
Wouldn't a Homeless Person Stop Being a Homeless Person if We Put Them in a House?
YOU can pay to build them a house! Don't try forcing me to spend my hard earned tax dollars on ape escapes for these filthy vermin with your kooky socialist agenda. You can put a sweater and a knit cap on a dachshund, does that make it a college kid on vacation in Aspen? These things are born homeless, live homeless, and should die in their natural habitat or possibly inside the back of a specialized van filled with carbon monoxide.Despite their best efforts, homeless people can be useful to mankind.Can Homeless People Use Tools?
Homeless people are capable of using crude or improvised tools such as levers, clubs, and shopping carts. They are not capable of understanding tools with a useful purpose and are totally incapable of utilizing something like a water drill, a claymore mine, or a Lasik machine. Don't be fooled by their mannerisms. Some homeless people will collect and even seem to use more complex tools, but they are simply imitating humans in an attempt to blend into their surroundings.
Can Homeless People Be Useful?
Definitely! While the government has not yet perfected techniques for training or otherwise domesticating the homeless, great strides have been made in putting the homeless to good use. Did you know that each adult homeless person contains enough carbon to make 885 pencils? Mead is working on a machine to do exactly that! The homeless are also quite edible and although few would choose to subsist on them they are proving a great boon to farmers who need feedstock for their animals. Some scientists are also currently working on a formula for refining homeless people into fuel oil. It is believed that each homeless person can provide enough crude to propel a Hummer 2 almost five yards!
I hope this FAQ has provided you with invaluable insight into the homeless menace. God and country willing, we will soon be answering many more hard hitting questions about wildlife throughout the world.
Missing you in Phridayville!
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Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
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