This article is part of the The Chronicals of Winesburg, Indiana series.
The Winesburg County Sheriff's Department and the Winesburg Police Department reported the following activity during the period of June 6th, 2006 trough June 8th, 2006.
9:23 AM Reports of small dog sleeping in the street in the 1500 block of Jessup's Holler Ave. No dog found.
11:04 AM Mailbox defaced on James Early Ray Rd. Officer assisted in the removal of the words "eat a d*ck c*ckface" from side of mailbox.
2:36 PM Loud peals of thunder heard in the heavens accompanied by the voice of God declaring the beginning of the End Times. Officers advised several people to remain in their homes.
2:40 PM Teresa Walters, known in Winesburg as "That Cat Lady" reported missing. Officers attending the scene discovered one soiled pair of sweatpants and a soiled sanitary napkin in her driveway. Neighbors reported her screaming at her cat, Elizabeth, instants before the voice of God spoke and then she was gone.
5:04 PM Tractor stalled in turning lane at intersection of 1st and Main streets. Officers attached ropes and pulled the vehicle from the thoroughfare.
11:34 PM Officers responded to a noise complaint in the 30000 block of St. Rt. 64W. Terrance Duncan and two unidentified guests were advised to reduce the volume at which they were blowing on ceramic jugs to make music.
2:01 AM Dog reported sleeping in the street again in the 1500 block of Jessup's Holler Ave. Officers responding to the call did not find the dog but removed the rear axel of a pickup truck from the northbound lane.
3:44 AM Three juveniles were reported laughing loudly near a house in the 700 block of Grant road. Officers responding could not locate the juveniles but did find a discarded soda bottle.
5:07 AM Officers requested ambulance in the 300 block of 3rd street after encountering an "unusually sweaty" man in his late 40s. The man, later identified as Roger Simmons, declined medical treatment.
10:25 AM All officers were asked to provide security for the arrival of the United Nations Emergency Management Patrol officer Duke Cautuvaaeus. One gentleman snoring loudly on a bench was asked to leave. Mr. Cautuvaaeus gave a brief speech outlining the new purchasing tattoos mandated by the UN. Chamber of Commerce Beat the Heat Summer Fun Bucks will be accepted at participating retailers until September.
2:03 PM The number of pairs of shoes hanging from a telephone line in the 900 block of Rutledge road exceeded the safe allowance of three and officers contacted a repair technician.
3:18 PM Lena and Todd Hooper of West Winesburg were involved in a domestic dispute. Lena Hooper claimed that Todd Hooper had died more than a year earlier and was attempting to bite her. Todd Hooper did not offer an explanation for his behavior and refused to cooperate with a sobriety test. He was placed in confinement at the Winesburg County Jail. Lena Hooper refused to press charges.
6:04 PM Officers from Winesburg and surrounding counties were asked to assist the 76th Infantry Brigade of the Indiana National Guard in disabling a Hellbore Maggot set loose upon the countryside near Kawalski Township. Officers arrived to find neither the National Guard nor the giant maggot present. They advised three juveniles flying kites to avoid nearby power lines. Several hundred skeletons were found along a county road and were collected and donated to Winesburg area schools for their science classrooms.
8:30 PM Officers responded to reports of juveniles laughing and breaking glass in the 700 block of Grant road. Three juveniles were found sitting on a porch. They were advised to keep it down. A copy of Maxim magazine and three partially-consumed Red Bulls were confiscated.
12:01 AM Several calls were placed by concerned citizens regarding the sky turning red and illuminating at the stroke of midnight. They were advised that it was the Northern Lights.
12:23 AM Nude women with tails, wings and large talons were reported roosting in the steeple of Winesburg United Methodist Church at 264 N. Main Street. Officers arrived and dispersed them with a foghorn.
3:15 AM Dog reported sleeping in the road in the 1500 block of Jessup's Holler Ave. Officers investigating the call located a three-headed dog the size of a truck and called animal control. Raffles, as the officers on the scene dubbed the animal, is available for adoption through the Winesburg County Humane Society.
9:03 AM Janice Lowry from the County Courthouse requested police assistance and an ambulance after calling to report that UNEMP officer Duke Cautuvaaeus had grown three feet in height and inverted his skin. Mr. Cautuvaaeus was coherent on the scene despite insisting officers refer to him as Duke Cautuvaaeus the Gorehided, Scourge of Acheron and Rotseer of the Nine Hells. Mr. Cautuvaaeus declined medical assistance.
11:32 AM Officers were asked to respond in force to a public disturbance at the Winesburg High School large gym. Ruth Anne Hart and Carl Stapleson were refusing to receive their UNEMP-mandated commerce tattoos. Officers provided each with 50 Chamber of Commerce Beat the Heat Summer Fun Bucks and escorted them from the premises.
1:45 PM The Morning Star was visible in the sky throughout the early afternoon and appeared nearly as bright as the sun. Several callers requested medical attention after suffering temporary blindness from staring at the sun.
2:08 PM Rachel Crest of North Winesburg called to request the current time. She was informed by officers that the time was 2:08 PM.
4:20 PM Vern Rutledge called to report that he had caught The Devil in a live-catch raccoon trap in his barn. Deputies arriving on the scene confirm that Rutledge had trapped a devil and not The Devil. Animal control released the devil at Shaganaw Park.
7:44 PM Evening service at the Winesburg Sacred Heart Baptist Church was reported as being disrupted by a geyser of blood emerging from the baptismal. Deputies arriving on the scene confirmed that a geyser of blood was filling the church and overflowing onto Brookley Road. County Works crews were unable to determine a way to stop the geyser although it later stopped on its own.
9:34 PM 1344 Lyle Lane resident Jonathon Buckley called to report that he had sliced off his thumb while cutting a carrot. Nearby officers responded and Buckley reported that he became distracted when he saw a 900 foot tall manifestation of Jesus Christ fighting with an ebon-skinned six-armed lord of the abyss. Buckley's thumb was later reattached at Whittcomb Memorial Hospital.
11:02 PM Three juveniles were reported laughing and throwing rocks into the magnificent rift into the realm of eternal heaven. Officers responding to the scene advised the juveniles to go home and go to bed and then all fell to the ground and writhed in ecstasy as the archangel Metatron appeared before them.
11:58 PM A car was reported making an unusual noise in the 1200 block of Coolidge Street. Officers responding to the call did not locate a car making an unusual noise.
Copyright © 2006 Winesburg Courier Post
A guide to the loud, large men who will be filling our living room weekly.
He has unlocked the secrets of the universe and seen beyond the mortal plane, yet Doctor Strange can't believe how easy it is to eat an olive.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.