Wink Martindale is a cruel genius. He's the kind of man who will invite a friend to picnic with him in a park and then stabs his companion repeatedly in the throat for no other reason than to watch the way their blood sprays and spurts out of their neck. Wink Martindale is a hateful artist. He will crouch down, low in the dust, and drag one finger of his murderer's hand through the cooling pool of sticky crimson and then write a poem on the dirt.

Wink Martindale is the world's greatest lover. He injects testosterone directly into the shaft of his penis so that he can remain rigid and stimulated for dozens of hours without pause. He is a man with epicurean tastes, preferring to dine on truffles and caviar placed on a platinum inlaid serving tray that balances on the back of a woman he is balls deep in. He will drink champagne from the skull of a saint mid-coitus if it offers even a slim chance to provide him with a febrile hallucination akin to a religious vision.

Wink Martindale buries cowboys up to their neck in the hard pan dirt of the desert and drives off laughing. He doesn't even care enough to watch them die.



Wink Martindale will swerve to hit a cat, jump at the chance to throttle a dog, and volunteer his whole family to have their skin flayed as long as their tormentors promise to mail him a copy of the video. If it suits his mysterious master plan, Wink Martindale will sit motionless for days on end. Wink Martindale thinks DVDs are a fad, and he's right.

Wink Martindale is your best friend. He will be there for you when the chips are down. He will spend long hours on the phone with your sobbing daughter and he doesn't even want to get into her pants. Wink Martindale will read your eulogy and then set up a scholarship fund for troubled teens in your name. He will cry when he thinks about all you might have done with your life. He will write your obituary and leave out the time the two of you got drunk and dared each other to have sex with a sleeping cow.



Wink Martindale is your worst enemy. He will gain your confidence and betray you at a critical moment. He will do anything it takes to get into your sobbing daughter's pants and he plans on taking pictures. Wink Martindale will spit on your grave and steal your birth certificate to create a fake identity. He will laugh when he thinks about how he got away with murdering you. He will write anonymous letters to the editor that includes evidence proving you had sex with animals.

When hope is lost and things fall apart you will pray to God and Wink Martindale will be there, snatching your prayers as they float into the ether like he's catching fish in the river of sorrow. He will unfold each prayer and carefully read it, then laugh and rain pestilence, famine, and war down upon us all. Wink Martindale will be there when the world burns with a can of kerosene and a book of matches. Wink Martindale enjoys miniature golf. Sexually.



Wink Martindale has a promising career as a computer repair technician at Circuit City. Wink Martindale manages a successful chain of donut stores in Malaysia, and he hates you for being fat. When he's sleeping Wink Martindale is just like the rest of us, except his dreams can kill. Wink Martindale is addicted to purchasing show ponies and he's not afraid to admit it.

Wink Martindale thinks politicians are rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Wink Martindale sunk the Titanic, but not the way you're thinking. Wink Martindale's favorite band is "The Prodigy" and his favorite song is "Mindfields". When a tree falls in the forest Wink Martindale is there, no matter what, to hear it fall. He can levitate at will but chooses to walk for the exercise. Wink Martindale sends postcards to women reminding them to "check your pussy for bugs".

Wink Martindale predicted the last big Earthquake in Japan by looking at the surface of the moon through binoculars. If you ask him Wink Martindale can tell you how long you have left to live, but only because he shoots everyone who asks him with a revolver as a joke. His favorite console is the Playstation 2 but he likes the Gamecube "okay" and thinks the Xbox's hard drive is "pretty neat". Wink Martindale has not beaten a roleplaying game since "Bard's Tale II" but he got all A ratings in the first day of owning "Gran Turismo 3".

If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But, if you've made your peace, the devils are really Wink Martindale, freeing you from the earth.

Wink Martindale thinks Mexicans are stupid but does not consider himself a racist. Disco is not dead, at least not in Wink Martindale's house it isn't. Wink Martindale has forgotten more about martial arts than you will ever know. Wink Martindale hosted a discussion panel with former president Jimmy Carter and halfway through the proceedings hurled a tabletop through Carter's chest. You can only see Wink Martindale out of the corner of your eye. If you try to focus on him he dances out of sight like a hummingbird.

Wink Martindale voted "yes" on proposition 80 because 80 is one of his favorite numbers. Wink Martindale has journeyed to the center of the earth and befriended the blind cave gnomes that live there. Wink Martindale has waged ceaseless war on hemlines. When it comes to abortion Wink Martindale lives by the old adage "if there's grass on the field then play ball!"

Here are Wink Martindale's favorite things:

10. The entire TGIF lineup
9. The number nine.
8. Women's hats.
7. Boxed wine.
6. Those circular soft plastic combs.
5. TETSSSSUOOOO!!!
4. Windex.
3. KANADAAAAA!!!!
2. Photographs of chairs.
1. Transformers Beast Wars

Wink Martindale does not smoke but likes to be around people who do. He is involved in a trademark infringement lawsuit with the actor who portrays Chairman Kaga on TV's "Iron Chef". Wink Martindale once climbed to the top of Mount Hood and then took a nap. Wink Martindale was married to the sea but grew jealous of the Kraken and filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. He wants you to fail.

Wink Martindale thanks you for your contribution. He has lobbied long and hard to legalize shrink rays. There are few things in this world more comforting than a hug from Wink Martindale and one of them is a kiss from Wink Martindale. Wink Martindale just installed spyware on your computer to monitor your web browsing habits. Wink Martindale is giving away free lobsters again.

Close your eyes and imagine a place far away from the tumult of the world around you. Travel deep inside yourself to this place, a quiet refuge that only you know about. Concentrate on every detail of this place. The way the air smells, the temperature, the feel of the floor beneath your feet. Wink Martindale knows about this place, and it's on a short list of things he plans to set fire to.

Wink Martindale is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

Dodge This, Patch Adams!

Hello friends and heartless communist sympathizers, Livestock here with the latest dirt from the street. According to my sources, namely me, the SA Forum Goons have released a new shipment of images. I have taken the liberty of acquiring a batch of them for your viewing pleasure. The flavor of the week is "Movie Crossovers" and you can bet a lot of money or valuable monkeys that comedy is in the cards. Here is a picture that you may look at:

If you want to look at more pictures, simply click here and watch the magic happen. For an interesting article on birds, click here! Hah, fooled you!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.