In September of 1936 the Wood River Express train departed from Vogt Station in Salt Lake City, Utah bound for Red Flats, Nevada on what was known as the Salt Line. 214 souls were aboard. The train was spotted at 11:34 PM near the border with Nevada disappearing into a particularly dense fog bank. It was never seen again. No wreckage was found and there was no trace that the train had ever been there. In 1998 a freight train traveling along the B & O freight line near where the disused Salt Line had been overgrown with desert weeds came across a strange sight. Sitting parallel to the freight line, poised where tracks had once run, was the pristine length of the Wood River Express.
The baffled crew of the freight train stopped to inspect their unusual find. Only one person was aboard the train: the conductor. He was a smiling man who offered no answer or explanation other than his name. That name was Wink Martindale.
On a dare Wink Martindale exploded the heart of a finch with his mind, but was later heard to remark that its song had "grown tiresome." While Abraham Lincoln toiled and labored under the hot sun building his log cabin Wink Martindale sat beneath a shade tree and watched while sipping on iced lemonade. When Lincoln approached and asked for a drink to refresh himself Wink Martindale stared him in the eye and poured the pitcher out into the dirt. Wink Martindale knows no fear for he is fear incarnate.
Wink Martindale wants to know if you think that's air you're breathing. When the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you dies Wink Martindale can't be far behind. In 76 AD Wink Martindale hurled a pilum through the chest of Augustus Ramilius, a Roman poet of little historical significance, simply because the unfortunate man stood in his path. Wink Martindale corked Sammy Sosa's bat to prove a point about Reaganomics. You disgust Wink Martindale.
Wink Martindale holds the record for largest and smallest pancake ever eaten in one sitting, but he wishes there were a record for most medium-sized pancake ever eaten in one sitting. Wink Martindale was so hungry he could eat a horse, but all he had was a Ponderosa buffet coupon and he doesn't like the way paper tastes. Wink Martindale wants to be out of here by five o'clock. He's got girls coming over. Whole ones.
Wink Martindale can transform a case of Dr. Pepper into a case of Mr. Pibb simply by questioning the accreditation of the university that provided the soda with its degree. On two occasions Wink Martindale has used a similar technique to reduce Dr. Dre to tears. Wink Martindale dungeon mastered for Vin Diesel and tricked him into putting on cursed bracers. Wink Martindale doesn't care what you rolled for magic resistance.
Wink Martindale is apolitical but supports the war in Iraq because he is turned on by women weeping. Wink Martindale can create rock so heavy even God can't mosh to it. Wink Martindale offers prayers only to Ganesha lord of the hosts because he likes the way elephants kiss. Wink Martindale is designing amputees for artificial legs. Wink Martindale hopes you like toffee.
Wink Martindale was the first person to tell us about the Convention Center. Wink Martindale won't judge an Arabian horse no matter how much money you offer him. Wink Martindale is a first responder. Wink Martindale thinks you did a heck of a job on these brownies. Wink Martindale can divine the future by reading the liver of a lamb. Wink Martindale does not think this augurs well for the return of the hully-gully. Wink Martindale knows 101 ways to improve your golf swing. Wink Martindale isn't talking.
The nail that sticks up will be hammered down by Wink Martindale. The knowledge contained in Wink Martindale's autobiography could save or destroy us all. Wink Martindale isn't concerned with peak oil. Wink Martindale believes in Intelligent Design because he sat in on some of the meetings. Wink Martindale thinks the complexity of the human eye is shit and accepts no blame or responsibility for that one. Wink Martindale has remained unchanged throughout the eons. Wink Martindale has evolved the ability to change his shape and patterning. Wink Martindale looks like a pair of size 3 boy-shorts being sold at Victoria's Secret. Wink Martindale is designed to wick sweat from your groin.
Wink Martindale is irritated that Clay Face has yet to appear in a live action Batman movie. Wink Martindale is going to give you a burial at sea. Wink Martindale thinks the Petronas Towers cheated. Wink Martindale liked "Trancers 3: Deth Lives" best of the series. Wink Martindale donated three revolvers to the Solar Temple. Wink Martindale is coming to your town.
Through the unfolding of the ages Wink Martindale has been with us, a watcher, a diviner. Though he takes no prominent role in name he assumes many guises both famous and humble to shape the course of mankind. Through the turmoil and chaos of modern times Wink Martindale looks ahead to a golden age when man will take to the stars in a great Diaspora. Our seed and our stock will find purchase and take root on one thousand times one thousand worlds.
We will multiply and prosper such that our empire is infinite and our ingenuity boundless. Wink Martindale will be waiting there, by our side, among us, invisible, inseparable. The great calamity will come. One by one the worlds of our great civilization will sputter out or disappear. Contact will be lost, fleets of billions will disappear in transit, mustered armies will vanish from the field of battle without a trace. Then, in our last terrified redoubts, we will huddle and watch as Wink Martindale rides out upon a pale horse, his mouth wide and his eyes bright.
Wink Martindale will take us into him, into that great raging tempest's heart, as a woman might give her fertile core up to a lover. Pain and horror will flash across us and we will be nothing. Then, with a brilliant burst of riotous light and harrowing convulsions we will emerge from Wink Martindale's gullet rough and new. Our spoor will take upon a newly made volcanic world and we will begin the slow march of evolution once again. Again and again man will rise and fall as the tide, drawn to ebb or to flow by our own lunar god. His name is Wink Martindale. He is really good at Twister.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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