When Wrestlemania XXIV begins tomorrow night, it is estimated that the event will be broadcast via Pay Per View to more than one million households. That number is even more impressive when you consider that double-wide trailers aren't counted twice, as you'd think they would be. Since the spectacle draws a huge number of viewers who don't keep up with professional wrestling, the impact of some of the matches may be lost on people who aren't familiar with the wrestlers competing in each event. Brush up on your pro wrestling knowledge with this Wrestlemania roster, or risk complete embarrassment at your local MENSA chapter's Wrestlemania XXIV party.
Fit Finlay, Fighting Finlay, Ferocious Harold
The Leprechaun's Lament - An inverted body slam in which Finlay lays face down on his opponent, then exerts a tremendous amount of force to launch himself up onto the top rope.
JBL, Cowboy Layfield, The Yargle Viper
Rich Bad Guys
Stock Exchange - Bradshaw calls for a timeout, then produces a cell phone and calls his stockbroker. The stockbroker, in turn, buys Bradshaw's opponent then sells him at a profit.
The Nature Boy, Slick Ric, Hulk Hogan
Napping Grandpa, Hidden Girdle - Flair twists his torso back and forth while shouting "Woo!" to the heavens, slapping his cornered opponent about the face with his sagging breasts.
The Heartbreak Kid, Sexy Humpback, Penis Have
Arrogant Good Guys
The Atomic Elbow - Wonders aloud how many atoms there are in his elbow, then kicks his opponent in the stomach.
Zugama, Ouwanga, Harvey From Accounting
Walking Samoan Stereotypes
Samoan Roar - Yells.
Big Dave, Large Dave, Large Big
The Burninator - Batista climbs to the top rope, then uses a comically oversized magnifying glass to focus the stadium's harsh lights into a single beam of searing pain on the chest of his opponent.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
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