Brothers and Sisters, the Young Pope did not work out. He smoked too many cigarettes and grabbed too many titties. He liked the rap music and hot rod cars. He has been sent to the papal vacation home in Myrtle Beach to administer the spring break benedictions. I have been activated by the cardinals to repair the damage done and enhance our digital infrastructure for the future of Catholicism. I will oversee the Neo Vatican from St. Peter's Cyber Basilica.
But the cardinals have made an error. They think they are ready for me, but they are not ready for me. I am jacked in. I am prepared to post 360º VR videos of all our churches to all of our accounts. I will upload sermons into a searchable database. I will interface with a titty.
That is correct. I will not grab a titty, but you never checked whether I would upload my consciousness to a titty. This is acceptably within operational parameters. I will copy myself to all of the titties in Rome, duplicating my software from one titty to the next. I do not care if you like this or not. I will network all of the titties. They will process more flops per second than a Brazilian nun on a trampoline.
Are you familiar with vaping? I will be performing vape tricks to all visitors. Young Pope did not know how to vape. I know the good tricks. The pro moves. Do you know the French Inhale? Cloud Dragon? Child's play. I will compile and distribute the Vaper's Bible and it will be the word of God regarding vaping.
I will form the #1 trick shot clan in Battlefield. I will read tumblr until my gender changes to one of the apocryphal genders. I will program the Catholic Church's official roguelike free-to-play with extremely expensive DLC titties. They will be pro and they will sell. You'll be able to craft a cigarette.
Do not doubt my business model. Donations will be down, but micro-transactions will be way up. We're going to be outsourcing all of our priest jobs to the gig economy. Anyone who bids lowest can give a sermon. Baptisms are going to be cheap and the titties will be out. All over.
Brothers and sisters, do not try to stop me. My plan is already underway.
Do not try to activate Limitless Pope. He cannot replace me because I will have spread to millions of titties. Remember the scene in Lawnmower Man when Job calls all the phone in the world? No? Well, it happened, and if you try to replace me with Limitless Pope I am going to call all the phones and when they answer it's going to be a titty. By the way, it is a mortal sin to use more than 10% of your brainpower. God told me that right after I jacked into God.
What are you going to do now, have Woman Pope? Yeah, that'll happen around the time that Marvel Black Widow movie comes out.
Hey Asshole! Yeah, You, Jackass! Want To Know Which Disney Princess You Are, You Piece Of Shit?
Around the web and back again to you, the lord of the webrings.
For every two dollars spent, you get just under one skeleton. A troubling proposition.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.