Much like the how fun-size Snickers bars and marshmallow fluff in Fluttershy's cereal bowl stick together, so do Internet vloggers. In fact, she has quite the armada of Internet white knights at her beck and call, waiting to strike with a defensive manueveur whenever someone insults her over the Internet. I am preparing a moat at this moment, filled with public social situations: the greatest monster any vlogger could ever face.
But sometimes these vloggers fall for the fair lass. Is there romance in the air, or did Fluttershy just eat a box of nearby potpourri? By now you should know the answer.
First of all, was there some recent government program where millions of webcams were dropped via parachute over The South? The only reason I ask is because I've seen countless vlogs featuring camo vests, deep woods, a version of English hundreds of years behind what we speak today, and a pervasive stupidity that is unique to the "barefoot" regions of America. But I guess it makes sense that The South finally hopped on the Internet when a version of it came out that didn't require literacy. Take our pal, "sscol96," for example. Behind his fetching hat and adorable use of the phrase "you was" lies a man with a fourth grade education who is completely smitten with Fluttershy. From the looks of his location, he's either in the middle of a militia standoff with federal agents or he has to run out to the woods and hide from his wife whenever he wants to make videos for fat girls on the Internet. And behind all that talk of molestation and grumpy stepdads is the burning desire to chill with this siren gigantress of the Internet. Notice the stammering, sheepish offer to meet with Fluttershy sometime in the future around the 5:50 mark? sscol96 would give Fluttershy the denim shirt off of his back if he could, which I guess she could use as a napkin or something.
I was shocked to learn that Fluttershy doesn't keep such a close circle of Internet friends due to her size and pull of gravity alone; she also bribes them. YouTube user thesmiths1013 was sent a very special gift from Fluttershy, and for the occasion she put on her dressiest sweatsuit (I bet there are sequins or puffy paint lurking somewhere offscreen) and dusted her studio apartment. Does making your small child watch videos of Fluttershy on the Internet constitute as child abuse? Probably not - though it will if Proposition 405 passes - but withholding food and backhanding them until they stop calling Fluttershy "the big huge computer lady" while on camera will definitely make it so the next time thesmiths1013 can talk to her child about Fluttershy, it'll be through a thick iron mesh. And if you don't think thesmiths1013 is an unfit mother, just listen to all of that squawking in the background; either she's a crazy bird lady, or she broke into The San Diego Zoo for the purposes of this vlog. What really matters here is that creepy gift: note the feeling of awkwardness when thesmiths1013 realizes that Fluttershy sent her child a bear named Fluttershy. Really, she could have just sent the kid a bag a mulch with a smiley face drawn on it in magic marker and it would have been a more appropriate Lil' Fluttershy.
At this point I was going to move on to talk about one of Fluttershy's vlog pals, whose look could best be described as "Fairuza Balk after being bludgeoned to death with a shovel." In a closed-casket-funeral act of sanity, however, she has also made it so her vlogs can't be embedded in other web pages. So in the interest of human decency, maybe it's time to show that, just like all of us, Fluttershy is capable of finding love. And she does it in her own special way by meeting men from the Internet and planning a marriage in another country after only knowing them in person for five days.
This is a song I wrote for my son when he was in the hospital
I took him to the hospital because sick people go to hospitals
I bought him a lion but he was scared of the lion and I said it's a nice lion
The nurse brought him Jell-O and he ate the Jell-O it was green
Jesus Christ, Eric Clapton didn't write a song half this annoying and his kid fell out of a fucking building. But what does this have to do with Fluttershy? Well, piperben66 just happens to be Fluttershy's beau! Obviously, Fluttershy believes in idealistic fantasies like true love and living past 40; why else would she pay the obscene funds needed to rent a dropship to carry her to Scotland where she would meet the man of her non-pastry related dreams? From my estimations, Fluttershy first fell for piperben66 when she heard his songs and believed he was singing to her, as if she was his own special little mega-angel. But what of Ben, this man of which we know nothing? Is he Fluttershy's "Mr. Right?" Will he give her backrubs and make the multiple daily White Castle runs necessary to keep her massive frame alive and happy? Well, this English "blokechap" has to troll for fat chicks in other countries using the Internet, so that should give you some idea about his character. And from checking out his Vlogs you can clearly see an obsession with polar bears, making it obvious why he wants to stick his Piccadilly Circus into Fluttershy.
As with every part of her life, Flutteryshy has documented her stay in Scotland, terrifying YouTube users around the globe with her quiet desperation. Through her YouTube videos, you can see a woman who has never received attention is her life - not counting all of the angry buffet employees. She's posted a few vlogs with her lumpy boyfriend, showcasing her preteen reaction to attention from the opposite sex as well as her inability to move her head more than three inches away from a certain Internet crooner. And if you're no stranger to pure animal fear, just look into piperben66's eyes; what was originally a plan to gain supplies for a giant woman skin suit has turned into "OH SHIT OH SHIT I'M IN OVER MY HEAD" Just look at this parting video: Ben's words may say "This is sadder than the series finale of Friends!" but his body language says "JESUS CHRIST JUST LEAVE AND QUIT PRETENDING YOU MISSED YOUR FLIGHT YOU LOVE-STARVED COW!" Fluttershy's use of music and editing in this video also show that she knows nothing about healthy adult relationships outside of what she's seen on the Hallmark Movie Channel.
By this point, many of you probably think I've gone too far with my mockery of Fluttershy. After all, who am I to talk? Even though I don't need a special seat at the movie theater, I am an Internet comedy writer. This is a profession that you don't see covered very often in Sassy or Tiger Beat. I'm no prize pig, myself - and I'm not even a prize pig on the inside like Fluttershy. Evan "Pantsfish" Wade, who refuses to do Internet communication through any other medium now, sent me this vlog a few days ago trying to make that point. I'm not sure what got into him, but if he was camping like he said he was chances are it cost $50 an eighth and came from a guy named Julio in a Texas Roadhouse parking lot.
Whatever the case, if you should have learned anything from today's update, it's this: We're all fat on the inside. Because this is where your body stores fat.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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