> pull out your revolver and shoot the computer while screaming
> Show you're not afraid by standing up and opening your coat in front if the webcam.
> Open trenchcoat, revealing revolver tied to your penis, start shooting computer while screaming
You recoil in horror from the computer and begin screaming. Then, as you had practiced so many times before, you yank open your trench coat and fire your Crotch Pistol into the computer tower several times. This is a tricky process involving flicking your member upward, cocking the hammer on your belly and then firing the weapon with each thrust of your hips.
It never suspected a thing. The monitor turns off.
> Tell the voice that The Internet is now a crime scene
The uniformed officer runs in from the living room, service pistol drawn. "What happened? I heard shots fired!" He looks around frantically.
"Stand down, kid," you try to calm him, "We're gonna need to declare the entire Internet a crime scene. I need you to not let anyone in or out until this case is closed."
"I don't... I don't think-" the officer is interrupted as the nearby monitor blips back on, the previous video game still in progress exactly where it was.
> Transfer and hack yourself into the internet like a bad '90s action movie
BRING THE FIGHT TO THEM
Steeling yourself, you touch your hand to the monitor and close your eyes. A malevolent presence courses through your body, chilling you to the bone.
"I've missed you, Neo. Do you remember all the fun times we had together?" booms the familiar voice in your head.
You are forced to relive the death of your family at your own hands. It is a nightmare that lasts what feels like to be an eternity.
Mercifully, you suddenly feel as if every atom in your body is ripped apart and then reassembled.
When you open your eyes, you find yourself in an endless landscape of circuits and code. You conclude that you must have successfully made it inside of the Internet.
"There has to be clues around here somewhere," you muse out loud. Your voice is strangely distorted and digitized.
Huge Obamacare Fan
> become the Freakazoid
Taking a page out of your Detective's Handbook, you use the entire knowledge of the Internet to become the Freakazoid. You feel empowered.
A group of brightly uniformed humanoids approaches you.
One of them speaks. "Halt, outsider. What is your business in these, our most precious tubes?"
cock hero flux
> make eye contact with the closest man and stare directly into his eyes
walk up to him and flip the hat off of his head, and if he tries to pick it up kick it away from him. do not blink or speak
The other two humanoids draw strange weapons and level them at you. Their voices sound out in unison and are highly distorted.
"Your behavior is unacceptable. You are hereby under Internet Arrest. You will be escorted to the Net Nanny for your arraignment. Comply."
cock hero flux
> unhinge your jaw and put the man's now unprotected head entirely in your mouth
via gestures make it clear that if they don't put the guns down you will eat his head
The humanoids wait through your action patiently, then fire searing hot lasers into your chest, severing your head from your body.
You are dead.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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