THE PAGE OF SHAME
Well hello there ladies and gentlemen! I bid you welcome to another crap roundup. It was entirely logical that this week's robot-powered challenge would prove too great for some people. Not everyone approaches the topic of robots with reckless fervor and wild abandon. Instead most people just approach it reckless, which means lots of sloppy work and big headaches for me, because I take this stuff way too damn seriously. I'll have my revenge sooner or later. By convenient fate, very soon, as in the gigantic table right below.
Why it stinks: Well, obviously agile young Beefnog did not have the mental capacity to figure out that this image looked like the result of two planets crashing together. I guess I shouldn't say that, since a picture of a celestial event such as that would probably look totally awesome. This is more along the lines of two overweight mentally handicapped people crashing into each other with rare cosmic force, smashing together so hard that they become permanently conjoined and therefore twice as retarded. Beefnog, when posting this image on the forums, uttered the epic controversial battle cry of "I'm going to hell", signaling that this image is edgy and extreme. Why is it edgy? Because it has Jesus in the background. I'm in no position to condemn a fellow human to Hell, but I wouldn't wish you on any afterlife, unless there was one specifically designed for bad Photoshoppers. Some kind of fancy place where your intestines are cut out of your body and then pasted to your face over and over again, I suppose. I should get back on track and bash this image. What the hell is it? Is there some secret "Jetsons" theological joke I'm too dense to get, or am I 100% justified in assuming that Beefnog is some kind of goofball who has no idea what he's doing? I really don't care at this point. The damage is done.
Crapometer Score: -4/-10 (WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?)
Why it stinks: Nothing about this image works on any level. Not on a comedic level, not on a visual level, not even on that super easy first level of Super Mario Brothers. Cripes, looking at this picture just makes me want to jump out of a window. And I would, except that I don't live high enough off the ground to do anything but sprain an ankle, which would be alright, but hardly the kind of bitter and fitting payback Echostorm deserves. Let's just take an exciting look at this image in-depth. It's got a grassy field, a presumably Asian (I'm a racist) guy with a gun, and a robot. The robot was digitally inserted into the picture. You might have noticed this by the fact it sticks out in a rather brutal manner, like a sore thumb on an amputated hand that was sewn onto somebody who already has both hands in what can only be referred to as a tragic medical mix up. The perspective is off, the colors are dreary, the blending is poor. What's the point of this image?
Crapometer Score: -5/-10 (Poor attempt at a bad idea)
Why it stinks: I can't help but think this looks like a frame from somebody's horrible Adobe AfterEffects midterm project. It's a blurry mess of unmatching images thrown together and supported by the single worst execution of the EyeCandy fire filter I've ever seen. It's almost like he didn't even have that dreadful fire filter, and so he he had to cut and paste the filter's output from some preexisting image. That might possibly explain the weird black boxes around the flames. Heck, they almost look like burning buildings. The other problem is that the the robots in the picture don't even match up. The giant leg is obviously enlarged and therefore pixilated, and the other one isn't even shaded in the same manner. It's all so very depressing, since this stuff is of the most vital importance. "The Christmas Story" title leaves me wondering even more, because I thought that was about a kid shooting himself in the eye with a BB gun. This new version, with two robots loitering in front of a burning house, sure doesn't live up to the original. This doesn't even have anybody getting shot the eye.
Crapometer Score: -7/-10 (UGH!!!)
Why it stinks: Okay, enough with the 9/11 shit. We've proven time and again that horrible tragedies can be super hilarious, but enough's enough. We can't beat this dead horse forever. I have it on high authority that more tragedies will be coming, so don't fret you little vultures. Cheer up, more mass death is always around the corner!
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (I'LL FLY A PLANE INTO YOU!)
Why it stinks: greatn scored a triple header of crap, but since two of his jokes were pretty much the same I scraped one. Sorry, I know you're all disappointed. What can I say, this first class dolt doesn't know Photoshop. He so doesn't know Photoshop that just looking at his images causes people to suddenly dislodge their bowels and immediately eject them out through the ears. Okay, so maybe not that, but come on, these are just about as pleasant to look at as biting into a handful of well fed dung beetles. The LOTR disaster is bad enough, but the Mega Man monstrosity just takes the cake... and rapes it to death. The only way you could scream incompetence any louder is with a megaphone. Why is it people cannot simply look at their images and realize they suck to such a high degree that they dare not post them for other people to see? I certainly hope to find out the answer someday, for the cure could very well save thousands of lives. Maybe even Fark.com.
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (DIE!)
Well, I'm done. I hope you had a fun and jolly time as always. Feel free to show up next week when we Photoshop my webcam suicide pictures. Adios, suckers!