THE PAGE OF SHAME
This week was a colossal improvement over last week and there were seriously very few painfully bad submissions. For the first time in awhile it was a lot harder to pick out the obvious visual atrocities. Not that we were without any less than stellar images, just that the ratio of good and average to overwhelmingly bad was far more acceptable. My eyes and pride in humanity are both on the mend!
Why It Stinks: The actual execution of this image isn't that bad. His fonts work pretty good and the color matching/cutting and pasting is decent. The reason I hate this image is that it just seems like he was trying way too hard and reaching for some impossible dream of comedy somewhere high off in the heavens. While I know that feeling all too well, I'm not the one on trial here, so back to insulting Nagget! I didn't know Paul "Rear Entry" Reiser or Tony "Hump my Rump" Danza were gay, nor did I know they had such retarded nicknames. I also have no idea what the hell they have to do with Metal Gear Solid. Folks, I hate to alarm you, but this isn't a good parody, joke, or image. These kind of gay jokes do a major disservice to the really good gay jokes. For shame!
How Badly I Want Nagget To Die: I guess I don't really want him to die, but I think it'd be pretty keen if he got hit in the face with a duck Fabio style at some point in his life.
Crapometer Score: -2/-10 (Commendable Execution of an Insanely Moronic Joke)
Why It Stinks: Ratsey did make a pretty swell image this week, but he also submitted a bunch of really pathetic Ultima Underworld parodies that quite frankly were not up to par with the highbrow standards of humor and workmanship we hold so dare. Yes, we have those, and I don't care if you never noticed before. Ratsey's text work is okay, but by god this joke is so lame my Grandma would probably laugh at it if only she could tell what the hell that purple thing is and what the hell this "Ultima" business is. I guess that's supposed to be a cow, but the quality of the picture makes it look like a dog or possibly a furry diving into his basement shelter to escape the harsh beatings of his disgusted stepfather.
How Badly I Want Ratsey To Die: A little bit. I think it would be totally boss if he was made lactose intolerant (if he isn't already), then forced to drink six gallons of milk.
Crapometer Score: -5/-10 (Painful Execution of a Painful Joke)
Why It Stinks: I'm really wondering where the rest of this image is. The topic of "fake games" is pretty open, but generally everybody submitted either a Photoshopped game box or a screenshot. This is just some fancy pants collage of bad graphics tailored around a vapid joke. There is a tiny monkey graphic in the background blown up in size making it all distorted, then there is a mostly-crappy manipulated logo thrown over it. Where's the rest? I don't expect anybody here to be a ninja graphic designer who slices and dices pixels faster than the eye can behold, but oldkike could have at least looked at all the other images and said, "Hey, my picture somehow seems horribly incomplete next to every single entry posted in the history of Photoshop Phriday. Also I'm gay and I wet my pants." Okay, yeah, so he probably wouldn't say that last part, but maybe he should.
How Badly I Want oldkike To Die: Moderately. I'd like him to get bitten by an Ebola-infected monkey. Let's see you dance dance while you're crapping organs, pal. On second thought, let's definitely not see that.
Crapometer Score: -8/-10 (Terribly Incomplete Execution of Some Kind of Joke)
Why It Stinks: While we've embraced a fair share of cliches throughout our glorious history of laughter and terror, we generally try to bury them as quick as possible. Some people have a hard time letting go, as evidenced by the fact we still get periodic Ackbar submissions from internauts (the radically hip new term for web surfers I learned from reading Yahoo news) at the forefront of modern humor. The one joke that pisses me off the most is the whole pedophile love affair with those scary looking Olsen Twins. I can't really count the number of these stupid lame "I masturbate to underage girls" and "I want to rape underage girls" and "hey, underage girls are hot" jokes I've had to survive, but once was ten times more than enough. We all know you're proud to be in aspiring pedophile or whatever, so shut up already. To make matters worse for Rammark, he was the second person to use this exact same joke this week. I would have included the first attempt at Olsen Twins gold here, but that would have hardly been justified given that this lame rip off was calling out for mockery. I would really appreciate it if everybody stopped making this same goddamn joke and let the Olsen Twin's die in the same maggot infested death trap as Ackbar. Come up with a new crutch, you lame rods.
How Badly I Want Rammark To Die: If I could choose to go back in time and either prevent Rammark from being born or Hitler, I'd choose Rammark.
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (Goddamn Worthless Execution of a Fucking Overused Joke)
Author: Lord Hawking
Why It Stinks: Well, well, well, if it isn't our old friend BLAND RED INNER BEVELED TEXT WITH A GODDAMN DROP SHADOW!!! Why not just shove your thumbs in my eyes and be done with it, damnit. To further enhance the graphical neatness of this striking masterpiece, the text is given a nice Photoshop warp effect making it look even more "cool" and "dynamic." I know I'm not the freaking Pope of fonts or font effects here, but if everyone would find it in their hearts to never touch the layer effects options in Photoshop, I think the overall quality of every Photoshop image in the world would increase tenfold. Also a public execution of the creator of "Comic Sans" would help things out a lot. This image is just a mess of bad political humor smashed together with the grace of a riot. Even Gallagher smashes things with more precision. Bonus points for those strange black boxes in the background and the clever spelling of "monkeyz." Hey Lord Hawking, you're hot stuff.
How Badly I Want Lord Hawking To Die: I would black the sun out and kill us all if it meant you would die too.
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (CRAP, CRAP, CRAP)
That concludes our journey through the forbidden wastelands of crap! Thanks for being a brave little trooper and reading this. Join us next week when we use Photoshop to add extra explosions to Jerry Bruckheimer movies.
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