The Page of ShameIt's time to shine the spotlight on all the worst entries I had to sort through. This week I was especially depressed about looking at crap, so I'm extra angsty right now and more than happy to insult a bunch of people who just wanted to have fun and make people laugh. I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL. Just kidding, I wouldn't wish your lack of Photoshop talent on even the denizens of Hades!
Piece of Crap #1
Why It Stinks: Joking about the quality of Mexican drinking water could potentially be funny, but not when you have the technical skills of a cactus. In all fairness, Esco asked for advice on how to improve this, but he unfortunately gave up and it shows. If I were some shrewd lawyer looking to pick apart this image in hopes of getting it the death penalty, I would point out that the contents of the water cooler do not match the contents of the glass. Does the water magically turn shitty once it leaves the holy water cooler? What a mystery! The second problem is that there is a magic flag just hovering over the water cooler. This just adds to the story, because is the magic floating flag protecting the water from looking dirty? I guess so, and that's why I'm a pretty slick imaginary lawyer. There is also a random white box at the bottom thrown in for good measure. Please, for the love of God and all his wonderful creations, learn to do more than cut and paste before you start spewing out your horrible creations. I'm not asking much here, I'm jut asking you understand how to do more than cut and paste in Photoshop before you enter Photoshop Phriday.
How Badly I Want Esco To Die: Fairly bad, hopefully due to full body exposure to a vat of acid.
Crapometer Score: -6/-10 (Bad Attempt at a Bad Joke)
Piece of Crap #2
Author: Mr. PK
Why It Stinks: Part of the charm of Photoshop Phriday is to come up with a new and creative jokes or at least recycle the old standbys with some technical or comedic precision so that it has some originality to it. What's the point of copying a joke directly from Saturday Night Live without changing anything? Yeah, you thought it was funny, super. If everybody had this attitude there would be nothing but retarded Austin Powers jokes and I would have shot myself in the head six months ago.
How Badly I Want Mr. PK To Die: Moderately, and I'd like him to be eaten alive by vultures.
Crapometer Score: -5/-10 (Bad Attempt at a Classic Joke)
Piece of Crap #3
Author: Mustard P
Why It Stinks: I don't think Mustard P even tried to make this look like food. He just grabbed a picture of some hardware, added some bland text, and thought that would make him a hero. Well, I got news for you: we don't need another hero! That's right, you just got owned by Tina Turner! I can't really complain about the technical quality, because like the joke quality, there is none.
How Badly I Want Mustard P To Die: A lot, in the best homemade backyard Thunderdome imaginable, and by a retard carrying a chainsaw.
Crapometer Score: -7/-10 (Lack of Effort in Everything Worthwhile)
Piece of Crap #4
Why It Stinks: A most brilliant job laying in that "WITH LAXATIVES" line, I must say. Especially where it stands out like a sore thumb on the body of an alien that has only three fingers on each hand, none of which are supposed to be a thumb. I find it most sad he was proud enough of this image to sign his name. I guess maybe a baker's dozen years from now future man will discover this image in a time capsule and say, "Wow, a decade and one year ago retarded men were functional enough to lay text over shitty images they found on the Internet, whereas today they can only flail their limbs and shout 'Batman' over and over again." Then future man will eat another baby capsule and order their clone slave to do something immoral and sinister - like administer a vaccine that destroys emotions to some innocent hobo. I think I just digressed, so I'll just wrap things up by saying retarded_man is doing a fine job living up to his name.
How Badly I Want retarded_man To Die: A lot, and by terminal diarrhea.
Crapometer Score: -4/-10 (Crappy Joke with Crappy Font Matching on a Crappy Picture)
Crapmaster Champion Harikan
Why It Stinks: Harikan scored a major coup getting two of his entries in the hall of shame, but I get a feeling he's a man who knows how to pull off an upset. What's wrong with his humble intent at making people laugh? Well, it appears he went out of way to get the worst possible source images to work from imaginable. Honestly, I couldn't find source images this shitty if I tried. I don't know if he took special effort to degrade their quality and blow them up, but that's possible. Then, to apply his masterstroke of comedy and wit du jour, he works some shitty un-aliased text in with typical bland jokes. Yes, stick the word "man" in there and the laughs will just pour out like lava from a volcano or vomit from a drunk college kid. Cripes, if you want to make crap, go to the bathroom, close the door, and turn on the exhaust fan. Don't do it online and don't put in a place I have to look.
How Badly I Want Harikan To Die: With all my heart, and by getting his head stuck in an elevator door until he dies of starvation.
Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (Everything)
Good grief, that sure was fun! Honorable mentions for sucking go to the five thousand people who thought it would be funny to once more joke about the various excretions living organisms can produce over and over and over and over again. Anyway, enough negative talk! Join us next week when we all die in a car crash!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Photoshop Phriday showcases the tremendous image manipulation talents of the Something Awful Forum Goons. Each week they tackle a new theme, parodying movies, video games, comics, history, and anything else you can think of. If you want in on the action, join us on the Something Awful Forums!