Page of Shame

As is the custom dictated by tribal law, I will now belittle all the submissions I felt were unsatisfactory. Why? Well, everything should be a gamble, including helping to provide free content to a website as lousy as this one! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the all too real pain of my awkward and nauseating whining.

Author: Icemakor

Why this image is terrible: The overall simplicity of this picture prevents it from looking totally like the inside of Abe Vigoda's colon, but it certainly doesn't take it to any great heights. I'm a little tired of seeing people take jokes from The Simpsons and other TV shows and throwing them out like poisoned candy. I know how overwhelmingly amazing it is to quote The Simpsons endlessly over and over again, because god knows it's not something just anybody can do. I mean it's not like there's already a million slobbering yokels reciting entire Simpsons episodes to each other in Yahoo chatrooms and other dens of dorkdom.

Crapometer Score: -2/-10 (Bland execution of recycled comedy. Try a hilarious Austin Powers joke next time!)

Author: eX.machina

Why this image is terrible: This image certainly falls short of meeting the high standards of the cross-shaped dildo image genre. You might say it's a little flaccid (EL OH EL)! In reality, I'm glad this was the only entry involving dildos, because I pretty much thought that's what everybody was going to do. Still, while it's too simple to be a total failure, it's really boring, unimaginative, and plain. Most Photoshopkateers could make this picture in under 2 minutes, and probably make it more exciting no less. The only redeeming thing about this picture is that it probably keeps you safe from horny female vampires. Seeing as how I've never encountered any horny female vampires, let alone tested the effectiveness of a cross dildo on them, that's more hearsay than empirical truth.

Crapometer Score: -3/-10 (Thanks for nothing, comrade!)

Author: Joe Runner

Why this image is terrible: This might not have been so bad if not for the fact it's so sloppy. The splotches and smearing all over the background are very unnecessary and wouldn't have been that hard to fix, or at least cover up by using a different background. Then the characters are all jaggy and strange. Looking at this picture makes me think my eyes are broke or that I'm drunk, which is quite possible. I'm guessing Joe Runner used that new filter set I've been hearing about that makes your images look like a hobo threw up and urinated on them. I really hope that goes the way of the lens flare.

Crapometer Score: -5/-10 (SLOPPPYYYYYY)

Author: Cap'n Plaid

Why this image is terrible: I'm not sure really sure what Cap'n Plaid even did here. I'm guessing he grabbed a few pictures of action figures, lined them up, then wrote that witty quip about them being less gay. I can't really comment on the quality of this Photoshop since it technically could have been made in MS Paint or even with a busted Etch-a-Sketch by a tar-covered retard on PCP. What, are you afraid of actually trying to do anything in Photoshop? If so, you've got less balls than Skeletor, and he's a fucking skeleton. Way to go Cap'n Plaid, you mastered the universe of being a lazy ass.

Crapometer Score: -6/-10 (I AM CAP'N PLAID MASTER OF LATHARGIC PHOTOHOPPING!)

Author: allhailskippy

Why this image is terrible: That lovely tiling fire pattern in the background is just wonderful. A background like that might have sufficed circa 1994 on somebody's crappy Doom fan page (featuring the latest wads + sound filez from army of darkness!!!), but not nowadays. We have standards that we occasionally hold to, and this ain't holdin' to them standards very well. When all is said and done and you factor in the wonderful cut and paste job, those non-tiling flames are hardly noticeable. Real heads on action figure bodies. Perfect. It's just damn good that there is some hard to read red text thrown in to balance everything out.

Crapometer Score: -10/-10 (I'd rather mistake a container of acid for eye drops and burn my eyes out than look at this horrible image any more than I already have.)

Thanks for putting up with that. I feel much better now. And hey, wouldn't it be neat if people spent a little time learning Photoshop before they start throwing around shitty images they made in 2 minutes on the Inter-network like unwanted orphans? I guess I dream too big. Please come by next week when we use Photoshop to remove lollypops from pictures of Telly Savalas.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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