The NFL season officially starts two days from now and I know a lot of you are lost. "Gee golly," you may be saying, "I sure wish Evan 'Pantsfish' Wade" was here to give his opinion on things!"
Pantsfish: “Hey, Nick. It’s your boy J-C. Just wanted to let you know Daunte Culpepper and Joey Harrington are on your team now. I hate to tell you all this in a voicemail, but I checked in and you seemed kind of busy with the whole ‘sobbing and punching yourself in the face’ thing. I tried to talk Dad out of it but he was reviewing this big list of horrible freak accidents he’d planned for your family and throwing darts at a picture of your face. Later on, bro.”
Flea: believe it or not i think the dolphins might have a chance here if the right stars align
for instance, the entire steelers club could forget how to play football
short of that the dolphins team bus could drive into a nuclear reactor and the whole team could get superpowers
the dolphins just aren’t the same without john elway
Pantsfish: They could easily minimize Ben Roethlisberger’s effectiveness, too. I don’t know what kind of sanctions they’d put on the Dolphins for kidnapping him and handcuffing his wrists to his ankles in the shower, but if they dropped Culpepper in there with him he’d probably spend the game looking like his ass deepthroated a tree stump. I don’t know how much harder that would make it to throw a touchdown but it would be funny to hear him toot like an empty Coke bottle every time the wind blew a little too hard.
Edit: This article was written way before Big Ben went out with some pussy appendix disease.
PW Final Score: Dolphins 14, Steelers 27. I only score the Dolphins so high because I think it’s still league policy to give a team a pity touchdown when their coach steals the ref’s ceremonial pistol and shoots himself in the face with it.
Flea: a wise man once told me you could cultivate rap music by plowing atlanta and sprinkling potting soil on the rubble
here's what i'm thinking:
maybe if they sprinkled cocaine and tennis shoes instead they could grow a talented athlete
Pantsfish: I know a lot of you guys are picking the Panthers to run away with this one. While I’m inclined to agree you need to keep one thing in mind: this could be the year Michael Vick learns how to throw a football. Sure, those linebackers can stop him when he’s running headfirst into their sweaty, meaty chests play after play, but how are they going to stop if he decides to throw the ball? Actually, the answer to that is pretty easy – one of them can just yell “Stop! Police!” and he’ll spend most of the game cowering under the bench until someone lures him out with a carrot on a stick.
Flea: atlanta is kind of an interesting city
i mean, it’s both hot and totally worthless
it’s kind of like going to florida and finding out disney has been replaced with a big pile of dead old people
i wouldn’t take a dump in atlanta unless it fertilized a tree that would eventually fall over and kill everyone
PW Final Score: Hawks 9, Panthers 10. The Hawks will get safety points when the Panthers realize that they have stay in Charlotte when the game is over and Jake Delhomme hangs himself from a goalpost.
Pantsfish: Honestly, I don’t know a lot about the Bucs other than that they were my favorite team on NFL2k on Dreamcast. While a six-year-old football game might not be the best tool to evaluate a team for the 06/07 season, you have to admit the 2k games were pretty fun. Football games in general would be better if there was a little monochrome cheerleader in your controller and she flashed her tits at you every time you scored a touchdown. If those controllers rumbled I never would have left my bedroom when I was a kid.
Flea: tampa bay has to win this game
not because of a rivalry with baltimore, mind you
but because they need to wash the stink of drunken sorority pussy from their city
Pantsfish: I have to admit I’m in a similar situation with the Ravens, mostly because nobody cares about Baltimore sports, even people who live in Baltimore. Especially people who live in Baltimore. Fuck, I don’t even know anyone who lives there. Is Baltimore a state or a city? Where’s it located on a US map? These questions are great and all but I just read something that said “The Ravens, hoping to maintain a healthy stable of quarterbacks, brought in Steve McNair over the offseason” and now I;m lauhjghing toao hard too ty2pe.
PW Final Score: Ravens 7, Bucs 21. The Ravens will quit in the third quarter when the Bucs keep running that same pitch play over and over, claiming they “play for fun” and calling the tactic “cheap”. The Bucs will respond by calling the Ravens “fags” and say “if it’s in the game it’s not a cheat”. The Bucs will then drink all the Ravens’ Mountain Dew and rack up a bunch of long-distance calls on their phone, and the Ravens will get grounded for it.
Flea: who are the bills again
i remember hearing a joke about them on “perfect strangers” once but i don’t think i could name a single player on their team
oh, wait, their coach can’t either
Pantsfish: “Alright, guys, here’s the plan. Before the game we’ll show a video about Tom Brady’s heart and tenacity, then maybe a compilation of clips showing Teddy Bruschi’s heart and tenacity. After that we’ll show that recording of the entire city of Boston giving itself a blowjob. Then, right before kickoff, we’ll play the clip of Tom Brady whining about not getting enough respect while he’s wearing his Super Bowl rings on his cock and fucking a supermodel. After that we’ll huff some glue and finger-bang our cousins on a bed of dry leaves and dog shit because we’re sports programming producers and that’s what we do”.
Flea: wind blows through the trees
subtle; caressing; loving
mom, boston farted
PW Final Score: Bills 3, Boston 17. I really don’t know what to say here other than you’re an idiot if you pick the Bills to win, even if I hope they do just so I can see Tom Brady huff off and refuse to shake anyone’s hand afterwards. I know it’s cliché to hate on the Pats and Tom Brady now but god damn that dude’s a douchebag faggot.
Pantsfish: Really I think the Bengals would be better if everyone started calling them “The Shitty Colts”. Carson Palmer could change his name to “Shitty Peyton Manning” and Chad Johnson could change his to “Shitty, Insane Marvin Harrison”. They could change their uniforms to something that didn’t look it it flew out of Lisa Frank’s snatch, maybe navy and off-white with a logo of a horse running into knee-high saw blades. This goes right along with my plan to rename Cincinnati to “Shitty Indianapolis”, which is pretty much the truest, yet the most redundant, description you’re ever going to hear.
Flea: palmer’s supposedly healthy now that he threw an amazing game against the packers
a severed arm could throw an amazing game against the packers
that’s like being handed a billion blue crayons and getting a blowjob because you drew the sky
Pantsfish: The real question here is what Jason Whitlock thinks about the situation. Jason has the most respected opinion in Kansas City, a situation not unlike having thousands of those chocolate gold coins except they’re all stale and some dude at the county health clinic staggered out and peed all over them. I don’t know how to end this paragraph so I’ll just tell you all I had an image of Jason being stuffed with tin foil and thrown in a giant microwave, which, if repeated about 15 times, could be the perfect alternative to the 45 hours of subpar shit Chiefs fans have to slog through this season.
PW Final Score: Bengals 17, Chiefs 14. The Chiefs will almost pull a comeback when Green removes his shirt and blinds the defense with his sterling white chest, but the Bengals will use his lack of pigment as a rallying cry, shouting “nigga look like a porcelain doll” until he pouts off the field and refuses to come back.
Flea: what’s with all the horse names in the nfl
at least the denver nba team is named the “nuggets”
that’s called truth in advertising, people
Pantsfish: The first in our Games Nobody Gives a Shit About series, Broncs vs. Rams should be a pretty good opportunity to clean your gutters or paint your living room or something. Personally I’m going to file my orange juice or defrost my nails, or maybe go to those dyslexia classes my doctor referred me to. I hate to estimate an outcome since the mere thought of this game is threatening to send me to sleep, but you can rest assured the announcers will spend the entire game talking about the Rams not having Marshall Faulk. That I can guarantee you.
Flea: i think the winner here will be whoever gets the fuck out of st. louis first
“missouri” sounds like “misery” because every motherfucker living there needs his kneecaps inverted with a sledge hammer
PW Final Score: Broncs 14, Rams 3. This is an arbitrary, unverifiable figure since everyone watching the game will be asleep within five minutes, allowing the players to leave the arena to go shopping or dirtbike racing or whatever.
Flea: drew brees came from san diego all the way to new orleans
it’s like jumping out of the frying pan and into the rancid pile of shit
i think i screwed that up but the point still stands
Pantsfish: Call me crazy but I think this could be a blowout for the Browns. They’ve really shaped up this year supposedly, and they have a big advantage in the color of their uniforms. If they find themselves dropping behind all they need to do is drop their heads, charge forward, and shout “Pssst! I’m stagnant water! I’m coming to make your house smell like Goodwill underwear! Psst!”
Flea: if you own a shirt that says “world’s biggest browns fan”, congratulations
you can pick your prize up at the door
it weighs seven grains and fits conveniently between your eyes
PW Final Score: Browns 24, Saints 14. The killing blow will come by way of a Cleveland field goal in the fourth quarter. Unfortunately, the awkward silence that follows when the PA guy plays “Rock You Like A Hurricane” to celebrate will only worsen when some jerk cuts a long, loud fart in the dead-quiet arena.
Flea: look, i live in tennessee, life is so great
haha just kidding, i live in opposite world
i’m also a girl and a member of a band with artistic merit
ask me how much i don’t want to swallow a xanax factory
Pantsfish: Really the game isn’t the most interesting part of this matchup. I’m more excited to see what happens when they put the Jets and the Titans in the same state. I’m assuming the first time they make contact with one another a giant vortex of anti-talent will cover the entire South, which would really suck a lot if even one person in the South had any discernible talent to begin with. Maybe someone will try to rail his cousin but miss and start screwing someone not related to him instead. Who knows.
Flea: i think tennessee will really miss steve mcnair
let me reiterate: i really think the team will be lacking without steve mcnair’s contributions
you have to wonder what a team in that situation is really spending its money on
PW Final Score: Jets 10, Titans 7. This is a different figure than my original, negative eight billion to negative six billion. I was forced to change it when I found out the NFL doesn’t allow negative scoring, even when Chad Pennington is on the field.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
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