At a Glance: Beam Software and Mattel combine their efforts to make the most blatantly homosexual game I have ever seen in my life. Knowing that Mattel makes Barbies and other children's toys, I would think that they would be ashamed to release a game with such content, knowing that children of all ages would be playing it. I can only imagine how many people have become drunks, drug addicts, and murderers due to this game.
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)
Download: Downloayd ROM here - 79k
Here I am pleasuring a midget to death while his friend watches with lustful eyes. Dirty!Game Plot: Well, I think you are supposed to be clearing the streets of crime in this game. You basically walk along the seaside, traintracks, and city fighting villains dressed in flamboyant outfits. Evil criminals are not the only thing that you have to clear the streets of though, it appears that basketball players, motorcyclists, dogs, tigers, and apes are also very bad and need to be beat up as well. I do not know where the weird animals came from, I can only imagine that local zoos are on the phone calling in reports of Bongo the missing ape and Seigfried the missing tiger while you proceed to beat the crap out of them or molest them with your superior fighting skills. Anyway, you will find yourself walking for a tedious amount of time fighting the things mentioned above, as well as many more disturbing things, until you have beaten up the entire city's populace.
Weapons: Since you are a big muscular man, the only weapon you have is your body. You have about twelve different moves and holds you can perform on the unsuspecting criminals and zoo animals, but you are only assigned three different moves for each level. There were the normal punches, kicks, and grabs, in addition to some other moves that were very "special". This is where the blatant homosexuality becomes really evident. You have one move called "trip" which has nothing to do with tripping, and is more like groping. You grab your enemy and push them into the ground, where you proceed to rub their chest or ass until they die from pleasure. Another move you have is called "bull ram", which (unfortunately) involves a lot of ramming. You can imagine my shock when I saw the muscular man get down on his hands and knees and shove his face into the enemy's crotch! I guess I wouldn't normally find this too strange, except there is only one enemy that even closely resembles a female, so I really had to question what they were thinking when they put these moves into the game. Maybe they wanted little boys to become homosexual so that their sales in Barbie dolls would go up, I really see no other reason.
Enemies: I could probably write ten pages on the enemies and their filthy attacks alone, but I will spare you. A few enemies really stuck out in this game: the pink skateboarders on pink skateboards, the little midgets wearing orange and blue togas that propel themselves through the air using their ball and chain weapons, and the breakdancers with white hair and white jumpsuits. The skateboarders are first introduced to us as end bosses. Their main attack is ducking on their skateboards and running into you. If they are not ducking, they manage to ride right through you and off the screen, where they proceed to jump right back onto the screen again. In order to defeat the skateboarders, I had to assume that they would not be ducking or jumping really high as they passed by. With some luck, I managed to kick or grope them occasionally as they passed near me. The midgets were also introduced in the first level. They flew in using their ball and chain weapons and then landed and started to throw their weapons at me.
I watch one of the breakdancers in white show me his moves!I first ran into the white breakdancer on level four or five. He rolled onto the screen and I bumped into him, not knowing that by doing so I would be caught in his "Whirlwind of Doom". That move really annoyed me because I couldn't avoid it 75% of the time, and each time he did it I was forced to stand still and lose about a whole bunch of my health. There was also another very special enemy who wore a hat and a trenchcoat. He would run along the screen and sometimes drop health, but to be tricky he would sometimes drop bombs. I am guessing this enemy was placed in the game because they needed a way for you to get your life back up after fighting all of the other stupid enemies. In one level they actually had the giant guy in a trench coat appear, who would open up his coat and a tinier man would jump out, charge towards you at obnoxious speeds, and punch you with a go-go gadget spring arm.
Number of Levels: Fifteen levels, each with it's own caption and meaningful saying at the beginning. Here are a few examples of the text the game displays at the beginning of every map: "The mouse that has but one hole is quickly taken." I will not even get into obvious meaning this could have. Another great saying was, "They said to him, 'It can't be done,' but he went right to it. He took that thing that couldn't be done...and he tried." What this meant to me in the game, I don't know, maybe they were talking about trying to beat the world record for midget groping. Apart from the sayings, the levels started repeating themselves after I beat the first four. This created a very exciting environment.
Number of Bosses: I couldn't count them all. Usually designers try to make a game that has one boss for the end of each level, and the occasional middle of the stage boss. Bosses in this game became regular enemies further on, and in an attempt to make things really hard, they started grouping the baddies together at the end of some levels. In a few instances I found myself fighting a midget while dodging a breakdancer, and in other instances I was dodging two skateboarders at a time or being forced to deal with three breakdancers at once. Occasionally I would be faced with some giant end guy, but this was only once every five levels, and I would never see these big guys again after I beat them. The last end guy was supposed to some sort of ex-marine I think, who was wearing green and had a rocket launcher that took away 75% of my life each time he hit me. When I destroyed him, all I got to see was a screen of me smiling in a blue car while little pieces of confetti dropped all over the place.
Defining Moment: This game had many special moments in it. I particularly liked the time that the lost tiger had some how managed to spawn in the background of the scenery so that I could not kill it and proceed. I also really liked it when I performed the "trip" move on the pitbulls, who would then lay on their backs and let me rub them while I said "good boy." Probably the moment that defined this game the most was the fact that after you killed enemies, their weapons gained wings and flew away. If you grabbed some of the weapons during the game, your character would throw them into a dumpster at the end of the level. I guess that's what you do when you don't want baddies to have their weapons, you throw them in a big dumpster because no one can take things from dumpsters! If you want to experiment, throw this game into a dumpster, I bet nobody will pick it up.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The Rom Pit is dedicated to reviewing the most bizarre and screwed up classic console games from the 1980's, the ones that made you wonder what kind of illegal substances the programmers were smoking when they worked on them. Strangely enough, the same illegal substances are often necessary to enjoy or make sense of most of these titles. No horrible Nintendo game is safe from the justice of the ROM Pit.